


The Ineffable Road Trip

by BeezandBitches



Series: Kiss the Human Girl [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alcohol, Anathema is the eye candy of heaven and hell’s most powerful lesbians, Anathema’s self discovery adventure, Blood, F/F, Gambling, Gen, Ineffable Family, Ineffable Godfathers, Its a lot of crack but i’m trying, Lesbian Anathema, M/M, Road Trip, breakdowns, cryptids mentioned, ineffable husbands, kind of one sided-beelzebub/anathema, light angst??, mild violence, peppering of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-05-18 09:07:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 61,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19331467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeezandBitches/pseuds/BeezandBitches
Summary: Anathema’s having to do a lot of self discovery after throwing away the road map of her unforeseen entire life. What’s a better way to discover who you are than having your adoptive godfathers and godsiblings and roommate accompany you on an road trip across America?





	1. Packing and Planning

_If the End would always bring a New Beginning and vice versa, then what would be most important? The new end of that new beginning or the journey to get there?_

 

Aziraphale was sitting back in his big, worn recliner thumbing through the contents of a Jane Austen novel as he waited for his tea to steep. He had met the girl once, right after the release of _‘Pride and Prejudice’_. He heard about a brilliant young writer’s newest novel being released in bookshops and Austen herself was there to catch a glimpse of her work in the wild. The two struck up a pleasant conversation about the joys of being both a reader and a writer. Overall, she was a nice young lass. He quite enjoyed her books as well.

 

Crowley was there also, sipping a fine red wine, watching his beloved angel enjoy another foggy London saturday. He stretched himself over Aziraphale’s 1915 mahogany-colored couch, lounging longways across the furniture. He wasn’t one for reading, but he could never get tired of watching Aziraphale read.

 

It was as if things had been back to normal after all they had been through with the Armageddon that never was. They had each other, they had a nice drink beside them, and most of all, they had peace and quiet.

 

**_Slam!_ **

 

That is, almost everything was back to normal.

 

Aziraphale jumped, dropping the book on his face in surprise. Crowley wasn’t quite as startled, but he nearly spilled his drink all over the couch. They both looked over to the kicked-in door of the store, seeing one Anathema Device’s boot poking inside.

 

“Hey you two!” Anathema said, walking in without invitation. She was seeming rather… chipper.

 

“Anathema! You scared us half to death!” Aziraphale said, sitting up from his chair and putting his book down on the coffee table.

 

“Sorry, sorry. Wait, can you two even die?” Anathema asked.

 

“Theoretically. But, ya know, the saying and all.” Crowley said, waving his wine glass around slightly. “What’re you doing here? Aren’t you busy with… do you even have a job?”

 

“Hah, funny.” Anathema said. “Well, you see, I have been going through.. a lot, since Armageddon and all. What with the whole saving the world and burning of my ancestor’s new prophecies that perfectly predicted the future of a world we didn’t even expect to still be here now. Plus, no idea where i’m standing with Newt. No clue. But ya know it’s whatever. Totally.” Crowley cocked an eyebrow at her overly fidgety tone.

 

“Sounds like you’re doing great, love.” Crowley nodded slowly, not believing a word she said. “So, again, why are you _here?_ ”

 

“Oh, right!” She slammed a big suitcase she had at her side onto the coffee table, barely missing Aziraphale’s novel. “So I was thinking, well, since i’m not a professional descendant, i’m not anything anymore! And well,” She snorted. “that’s no way to live, right? So I started looking for something that could turn me from ‘Anathema, the Professional Descendant’ to ‘Anathema, the Independent Person’. Then it hit me!” As she said that, she threw open the suitcase. Inside was a collection of items, including a digital camera, a bunch of bubblegum, a packet of hand wipes, some clothing, a set of sunglasses, phone chargers, and packet of vanilla granola. “A road trip! An exploration of myself on the open road!” She moved her hand out in front of her slowly like a tracking shot. Aziraphale took his book from the table before Anathema could do any harm to it.

 

“Anathema that’s all fine and wonderful, I'm proud you’re trying to move on.” He said. “But.. Why have you come to tell us? And why have you brought your suitcase with you?”

 

“I think we should all go. You, Crowley, Me, Newt, the kids. Think of it as a family vacation.” Anathema fixed the pair of glasses slipping off her nose. “I mean, we are close as family now. Armageddon can do that to some people.” She chuckled to herself.

 

Upon getting a much clearer look of her, Aziraphale was somewhat surprised. Her hair was messier than usual, her posture was off, she even looked somewhat tired. This whole ‘quitting’ being a descendant of a prophetic witch was taking its toll on her. But, she did say she wanted to be her own, better person. And as an angel, retired or otherwise, it was in Aziraphale’s nature to help humans become the best versions of themselves.

 

“One moment, Ana, pet.” Crowley said, pointing up a finger at Anathema before pulling Aziraphale to the side in a huddle. He even put up his wings for effect. “Angel, I don’t know about you but I think the girl’s done lost it.” He whispered to his love.

 

“Oh, nonsense. She’s just having a hard time. Humans can’t just immediately adapt to a life change as quickly as us, dear.” Aziraphale whispered back, shaking his head a bit. “I say we indulge in her little trip. It may do us well. After all, it has been six months now since everything. Heaven, Hell, Armageddon, so forth. We deserve a little vacation.”

 

“Yes but a road trip?” Crowley asked. “In what car? My bentley cannot fit- four.. five..” He quickly counted on his fingers as to not forget any. “eight people, Angel! Nine if Adam wants to bring the hell hound!”

 

“I can miracle it bigger on the inside. Just for the trip. Besides it would be so nice. We’ve practically adopted them all as our own, anyway. It can be some family bonding.” Aziraphale said. Crowley wouldn’t admit it, but he did kind of like the way that sounded. He had grown rather fond of his little merry band of godchildren. Even Anathema and Newt, who while being grown adults were like babies compared to Crowley.

 

“Even if i agree, would the kids parents even let us take them on a road trip?” Crowley asked. “Doesn’t that sound sketchy to you at all?”

 

“All of Tadfield know us by now. And Anathema and Newton would be with us. They’d know their children were safe.” One of the simultaneous flaws and virtues of small village people was their ability to only trust those in their circle with their children.

 

Crowley groaned quietly, making a noise like he was to disagree with Aziraphale further. When he turned to look at him Crowley just sank deep into his bright, blue, puppy dog eyes. His little pout was just too adorable to say no to.

 

“Ohhh.. fine, fine, yes, alright. But if that dog shits in my car or someone can’t hold it between stops I will lose it.” Crowley said, lowering his wings. He was given a kiss on the cheek from his husband before he turned to face the still standing there Anathema. “We’ll pack our things tonight, love. Now where should we start our adventure? Tadfield and go far from there?”

 

“No, no.” Anathema shook her head. “England’s like a tuna sandwich. Too small and too familiar. We need somewhere bigger. Something more exciting.” She grabbed a paper map out of her back pocket and slapped it down in front of them. Funny enough, neither of Aziraphale nor Crowley saw many people use them anymore. When the two opened it up they were hit with the most obvious choice Anathema could’ve made.

 

America, her homeland.

 

“So, I guess we’re doing an extra big miracle, eh?” Crowley said, his eyes peeking over at Aziraphale who only nodded in agreement.

 

They had their train of thoughts cut off by Anathema, who wrapped her arms around both of them in a huge hug. They were slightly too tall for her, so she had to stand on her tiptoes to be able to swing her arms around their necks.

 

“Thank you both!” She said cheerfully. “I really appreciate this. After everything, I don’t think I'd be able to do this trip alone.”

 

“You’re more than welcome my dear.” Aziraphale chuckled, patting her back. “We’d be happy to join you.”

 

“Should be right fun.” Crowley was good at a lot of things, one of those talents of his was hiding how he felt about things with a smile. It got him out of a lot of sticky situations both on Earth and in Hell. And lucky for him, his tone was lost on Anathema.

 

“I’ll let Newt and the kids know. We can start up east and work our way west.” Anathema pulled away from her ineffable godfathers and quickly zipped her suitcase back up. “Make sure to pack a swimsuit and a light jacket. Summer or not, the east coast is always a bit chilly.”

 

“What city are we starting in?” Aziraphale shouted as Anathema was heading to the door.

 

“I’ll find somewhere tonight and tell you later! We leave in the morning so be prepared!” She shouted back before heading out, the door slamming behind her just as loudly as it had when she arrived.

 

“Ohhhh Angel, what have you gotten us into?” Crowley asked, sitting back onto the couch. Aziraphale followed suit, melting back into his chair. Angels may not ever need to sleep but that 15 minutes of Anathema’s quarter life crisis made Aziraphale exhausted.

 

“It’ll be fun. Don’t worry, dear.” Aziraphale patted Crowley’s long spindly hand which rested on the arm of the couch.

 

————————-

 

Angels and Demons had no use for earthly possessions. They were completely trivial items to beings above the normal, simplistic creatures of humanity. That is, ignoring the fact that demons were hoarders. They collected things, usually one thing, but many of them. Usually it was small trinkets. A bunch of stolen keychains from a gas station in San Antonio, a wad of rubber bands too old and worn to have any functional use, or even a glove box full of fancy sunglasses. Angels, on the other hand, tried to keep tidy. Minimalism was a virtue, to all angels except Aziraphale. He adored collecting, mostly first edition books and novelty mugs. He had a delightful little angel wing handle mug that was one of his favorites due to the sheer comedy of it. An Angel owning an angel wing mug? Hilarious. At least, it was to Aziraphale.

 

Now, what any of this had to do with Anathema’s self discovery road trip was that Aziraphale was still up at 3:17 am, trying to decide between four books and three mugs to take with him. It had taken him exactly four hours and twenty-two minutes to narrow it down to those four books and three mugs. He was absolutely perplexed because the choice could very much affect his mood each day. He loved the little pink cup because it was a nice morning spark of color. But on the other hand, the tall green mug was best to use when wanting a nice heavy drink. The third cup would be nice beside the water but he wasn’t sure if they’d be beside the water at any time however it wouldn’t be bad to be prepared. Don’t even get me started on the books. They each had their multiple merits and downsides and it was driving Aziraphale buckwild.

 

Crowley on the other hand had thrown a pair of swim trunks, a jacket, and a whole tube of hair gel into a bag before spending the rest of the night setting up a misting system for his plants while they were gone. Unlike his angel, he wasn’t one for overpacking. It’s not like they needed a lot of clothes. They wore the same things everyday, and didn’t particularly _need_ to shower. All he needed was a change, depending on if they went swimming or if it was windy. The hair gel was purely aesthetic and didn’t quite do anything to tame his hellishly messy hair.

 

“Aziraphale,” Crowley yawned, walking over and wrapping his arms around his lover’s waist. “Just pick a mug, love. I’m tired of waiting.”

 

“Just go off to bed without me, dear.” Aziraphale said, looking between Crowley and the mugs in his hands.

 

“Nooo..” Crowley whined “You know I don’t like laying down without you there. Besides, you only need one mug. We’ll get you some new ones on the trip. Think of ‘em as souvenirs.”

 

“I do like souvenirs.” Aziraphale nodded. “Especially cute little snowglobes.”

 

“There will be _plenty_ of souvenirs on the long road ahead, Angel. We’ll be in America. Home of tacky little toys and prizes with no actual point to them other than being cute.” Crowley said. “Now will you please come to bed with me? Also, if you ask me, I think you should take the tall green one. Good for coffee.”

 

“Ooh, good point. Alright, now for the book..”

 

“Aziraphaaaaale.”

 

————-

 

In Tadfield, the Them were sitting on their suitcases outside Anathema and Newton’s cottage talking on and on about all the places they’ll see in America. None of them had ever left the country. Well, aside from Wensleydale, who had been to France once on winter holiday with his family. He didn’t remember much about the trip as he was only 5, but he did remember it happening.

 

“You know, I hear in America they shoot guns into the air to celebrate during the holidays.” Adam said, petting Dog who sat comfortably in his lap.

 

“Oh please, that can’t be true.” Brian said, leaning ever so slightly back to rest his hands on his suitcase.

 

“It is. I heard my parents talk about it once. They said Fourth of July is America’s most reckless holiday. Everyone there owns a gun.” Pepper said. She had a pair of big circular gold sunglasses resting in her dark, curly hair.

 

“You know,” Anathema said, peeping down at them from behind. The Them turned their heads up to look at her. “Not everyone in America are gun-wielding crazy people, right?”

 

“Oh of course, Anathema.” Adam said. “There’s you after all.” His quick wit got a snicker out of the young woman.

 

“Yeah well you got me there, kid.” Anathema turned back to the house to see Newt struggling to carry out his suitcases. “Need a hand?” She asked.

 

“No, no, I got it, no worries.” Newt said, barely able to pick up the heavy bag.

 

“What ‘cha got in there, Pulsifer? A ton of bricks?” Anathema walked over to Newt and just as she got close, his bag opened, spilling out computer pieces.

 

“Whoops.” Newt said.

 

“Newt, you know there won’t be a lot of room in the bentley for this on the road, right?” Anathema questions, cocking an eyebrow at him as she helps him pick up the spilled motherboards and wires.

 

“It’s not to do in the bentley, it’s for whenever we stop to sleep. I’ve taken up a new hobby. Phone repairing.”

 

“Phone repairing?” Adam asked, walking over. He still held Dog in his arms. “You need that much junk to repair a phone?”

 

“It’s not _junk_ , Adam. It’s all the key components that make up a cell phone. I.. may have over packed a tad. But it’ll all be useful. Guarantee that.” Newt nodded.

 

“So in this case, it’s more ‘phone making’.” Anathema stood up.

 

“Well.. I suppose so.” He answered.

 

Before they could continue on about cell phones the familiar roar of an engine came up the road. Crowley parked the bentley right at the gate of the cottage, then he and Aziraphale got out and went into the garden.

 

“Uncle Zira, Uncle Crowley!” Adam said, putting down Dog and bolting over to his godfathers. Crowley picked the boy up and gave him a huge hug, with a little spin included. The other three children followed suit and ran over to give them each a hug. Crowley was always good with kids, he had a soft spot for them. Aziraphale had to learn a bit more but he was making good progress getting used to the children. Though, he never understood why children were always, always so sticky though. Their little hands seemed to be so messy all the time.

 

“You lot ready to go?” Crowley asked. “We can load everything in the back, then pile in. Oh by the way, Ana?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Where the hell are we _going_?” Crowley said popping open the trunk to let the kids put their suitcases in. “Also how did you convince all their parents to let them come with us? Honestly?”

 

“Their parents love you two. Besides, it’s summer. Also I, may or may not have mentioned road tripping in America, specifically.” Anathema awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck. Crowley’s jaw dropped before he let out a hearty laugh. Aziraphale on the other hand, gasped in shock.

 

“You didn’t? Oh that’s rich, love! Absolutely rich.” Crowley clapped his hands together, laughing the entire time.

 

“Anathema Device!” Aziraphale scolded her. “I’m surprised with you, young lady. A woman your age should know not to lie to parents, especially about the whereabouts of their children!”

 

“I didn’t _lie,_ persay. I just didn’t tell them everything.” Anathema corrected him. “Besides, the kids will be perfectly fine. And they _won’t_ be telling their parents about America, right?”

 

Out came a chorus of yes’s from the four kids who were busy lifting their luggage into the trunk. Dog even barked in acknowledgement that he wouldn’t tell either.

 

“Our godchildren are a bunch of deviants..” Aziraphale sighed defeatedly. Crowley put a comforting hand on his shoulder and gave him a good squeeze.

 

“It’s alright, Angel. All part of being human, afterall. Kids need to be a little defiant every now and then, teaches ‘em street smarts.” Crowley said. “Now c’mon, don’t be so worried. It’s time for vacation in our still yet unknown starting location!” He yelled back to Anathema, who rolled her eyes at him.

 

“Relax, let's just get everything packed first.” Anathema replied, taking one of Newt’s suitcases and her own with ease and loading it up.

 

“Last one.” Newt said, plopping his other case inside the trunk and shutting it closed. Anathema let out a breath of air and smiled before pulling out her paper map.

 

“Alright, alright everyone gather around.” She said as the others crowded around her. “Now, there’s a lot of places to go in the United States but i’ve mapped out a great trip route with our starting city being New York. We’re going to the Big Apple!” The kids all looked at her with awe. They had only ever seen New York City on tv. The city looked absolutely massive! It must have so many things and places to explore!

 

“Haven’t been to New York in a while.” Crowley said “Sounds like fun.”

 

“You’ve been there, Uncle?” Pepper asked.

 

“ _Been_ there? My dear, Hell invented New York City. It’s cramped, it’s crowded, ticket prices for musicals are way too high. It has to be one of theirs.” Crowley opened the door to the backseat. “Alright, everyone in, kids and Dog first.”

 

When the kids climbed in the back, they saw the bentley’s interior was much similar to that of a suburban minivan. It had an extra row in the back which fit the four of them nicely, and had enough room for Dog to lay down comfortably. The middle row and front row were quite the same, except the middle row had an alleyway to let the kids get out easily without lowering a chair.

 

“Brilliant job on the car! I’ve never seen a bentley like this before.” Brian said, poking his head out from behind Newt’s seat.

 

“Just a little miracle work’sall.” Crowley pointed at Aziraphale with his thumb. “Can thank Uncle Zira for that one.”

 

“Thought it might be nice to have legroom for all of us.” Aziraphale said, hopping into the passenger seat. Crowley followed suit and got in the driver seat.

 

“Everyone all buckled up?” Aziraphale asked. A lot of yes’s came from the back rows before he turned to Crowley who turned to him.

 

“Well, we’re off then.” Crowley said, snapping his fingers.

 

And like that, the bentley disappeared. The ineffable family was on their very first road trip.

 

First stop: New York City.


	2. Pain, Plays, and Pretty Women

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Big Apple has a lot in store for the ineffable family.

Traveling by teleportation was a normal occurrence for all holy and infernal beings. It’s how a lot of them got around because who would waste their time walking or biking or driving to their next destination when they could just as easily snap their fingers and be exactly where they wanted to be? Well, Crowley found driving to be fun and soothing in his own way. The sounds of angry motorists honking and swearing over the roar of engines was like music to a demon’s ear. That was, besides the actual Queen music playing in his car at all times.

 

When his bentley landed in New York City, however, the mixture of noise coming from the streets, the cars, and the kids as they decided to play eye-spy with every little thing they saw was a little too much on his nerve. That was especially bad considering it had been all of two hours into the journey.

 

Crowley’s knuckles were turning white from how hard he was gripping the wheel. Dog had climbed his way up to the front seat and was now perched in his lap, surely shedding far too much onto Crowley’s black suit.

 

“Crowley, dear.. Perhaps we should.. pull over for a while? We can sightsee and all?” Aziraphale suggested. Crowley let out a deep, heavy sigh from the very core of his being.

 

“Alright. Now if we could only find parking..”

 

By the time they did find a parking space, the Them were antsy and ready to explore. When the backdoor was opened for them they all practically trampled over poor Newt who was still buckled in.

 

“Alright, we meet back here in three hours.” Aziraphale pointed at a sign that read ‘Broadway’ which was right beside a big green park. “You kids stay with at least one adult at all times.”

 

“Here’s a bit of pocket money for the afternoon, don’t spend it all in one place. Or do, if you really want to. But don’t complain for more.” Crowley handed each kid a small handful of cash. Where he got that cash was a mystery to the children as Crowley has never really had a job of any sort other than ‘demon/tempter of man’ and they assumed a profession like that didn’t pay very well, if at all.

 

“What’re you gonna do Uncle Crowley?” Adam asked as he was fixing the leash on Dog.

 

“I’m gonna go watch ‘ _Mamma Mia!’_ on stage. Then maybe once we meet up, we can go eat at a fancy American restaurant.” Crowley turned to look at Aziraphale who perked up at the idea, like he hadn’t tried every fine dining experience in the entire world three or more times over.

 

“Mind if I join you? I’ve never seen a musical, unless it was a Disney movie.” Adam asked.

 

“Sounds good to me. You, Angel? What’s your plan?”

 

“I’m going to look around all the marvelous spots always mentioned in those travel books. The Statue of Liberty, Rockefeller Center, all the good spots.” Aziraphale said, pulling out one of the books he had finally chosen to bring with him. On its front cover was the title “The Best Spots of America” written in shiny gold letters.

 

“I’ll come too. If i’m gonna find myself, i need to look everywhere.” Anathema said with a fire in her eyes.

 

“Good thinking, Ana. Anyone else want to come along? Pepper? Brian? Wensleydale? Newt, what about you?” Aziraphale asked. Newt rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

 

“I would like to, if we can stop by the National History Museum.” Pepper said. “I’ve heard it’s very grand.”

 

“Well, um, I was hoping to just walk around, absorb all that’s around me.” Newt said. “So i’ll go off on my own.”

 

“Oh, right.. Well, you have fun.” Anathema said, waving awkwardly as Newt left even more awkwardly.

 

“Are they having a fight?” Brian whispered to Pepper, who shrugged her shoulders.

 

“Adults are strange..” Wensleydale added to their little whisper circle.

 

————

 

Adam Young was exactly five foot six and a quarter inches tall. It was a normal height for a boy his age, but the giant, cloud-breaking skyscrapers made him feel like he was the size of an ant. Growing up in a village like Tadfield, he didn’t see many giant buildings all in one place. He had only ever seen a quarter of said buildings when he was on his way to visit Aziraphale’s shop in London. Even then, it was only ever from the other side of the bentley’s windows. So when he was only three steps away from one, he couldn’t help but marvel at it.

 

“Watch your step, kid.” Crowley snapped Adam back to reality when he was only three steps from slamming right into the doorway of a theatre. Adam hopped to his left as to miss colliding with the door.

 

“First rule of city exploring, keep your eyes in front of you and your feet moving. Lest you bump into something or get trampled by rapid musical fans.” Crowley said as he picked up Dog from the ground along with Adam. Now, Adam had two perfectly fine legs and was eleven and a half years old. He was more than capable of walking on his own, but Crowley being the responsible godfather he decided that it would be safer if he up and carried the boy and his pet. Kept them out of the way of crazy musical junkies. “You know it’s strange, I don’t remember musicals playing mid-day.” Crowley said. Adam shrugged in response.

 

“Maybe it's a new system. I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been to the theatre before.” He said, leaning his head and arms over onto Crowley’s shoulder.

 

“S’pose you’re right. Anyway, let’s go get our seats. We got here just in time.” Crowley said.

 

“Don’t we need like, tickets?” Adam asked, to which Crowley pulled a pair of _Mamma Mia!_ tickets from his pocket. Adam gave him a funny look.

 

“What? My miracles don’t impress you anymore?” Crowley half-joked.

 

“It’s not that, you’re just starting to be like Uncle Azra whenever he does his magic act.”

 

“Say that ever again and I will drop you, little man.”

 

—————

 

Newton Pulsifer walked the streets of New York aimlessly with no rhyme or reason to his path. His mind was too preoccupied on one subject alone, and that was what was he going to do about how weird it was between him and Anathema?

 

He kicked a pebble that skipped along the sidewalk, watching the people pass by him carrying on with their ever-so-average lives. Ever since he got wrapped up in all this stuff about Armageddon purely by accident, his life had been beyond strange. All he had originally wanted was something to get him out of the house. Shadwell’s ‘Witchfinder’ association seemed like a good fit, even if Newt had only thought of it as keeping the company of a crazy old man. Oh, how wrong he had been.. Now he was a pseudo-godchild of rouge forces of Heaven and Hell while the Ex-Antichrist would come to the cottage he shared with his witch roommate-slash-ex-fated-sex-partner and eat all their sweets before sitting down and talking with said roommate and rouge forces about the best course of action when it came to saving the _whales_. All Newt had wanted was to be a computer engineer!

 

The one good side of stopping the end of the world was having Anathema Device walk into his life. She was beautiful, she was brilliant, she had the blaze of a roaring fire shining in her eyes at all times. She was the exact opposite of Newt in every way. Where he was average, she was extraordinary. Even in her spiral of self doubts and self invention, she never was discouraged. Had it been Newt in her place, he was sure that he would’ve not even gotten out of bed the next day. She amazed him.

 

“Newt, I think we need some space.” That’s why it hurt so much when she told him this.

 

Newt had been sitting in the kitchen, reading the Tadfield morning newspaper when Anathema walked in without a word. She had started prepping some tea just as quietly, but when Newt looked up at her, he could tell something was on her mind. That’s when she told him that.

 

“Space? What do you mean?” Newt asked, confused. “Like, more property? Because the cottage fits us both quite well-“

 

“No,” Anathema put the kettle on the stove and turned to Newt. The gleam of her glasses danced with the sunshine peeking in from outside the kitchen window, making her dark brown eyes sparkle. “Space between us. Look,” She sat down on the chair facing Newt. “Armageddon was hard. On all of us.”

 

“You could say that again. Never thought i’d be so close to Death. Literally, Death.” Newt said, putting down the news paper. He talked about meeting one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse like it was him sitting next to an old schoolmate who he hadn’t seen in ages on the bus. Which, wasn’t totally wrong in the case of it being War or Famine or even Pollution who sat next to Death on the proverbial bus. But this wasn’t about any of them. This was just good ol’ Newt Pulsifer. Anathema cleared her throat.

 

“Yes, well, being that I want to follow my own path and not the one set for me.. I think we shouldn’t consider ourselves dating.” Anathema shifted her eyes away from Newt. He looked surprised.

 

“So, you’re breaking up with me?” Newt asked.

 

“Don’t say it like that, please..” Anathema sighed. “Newt, you’re a great guy, really. It’s just that we were strangers when everything happened. Besides, it was foretold. We had to do it.”

 

“So, you’re telling me you don’t feel anything for me?” Newt asked.

 

The kettle slowly started to bubble.

 

“No, of course I think highly of you now. But..” Anathema rubbed her arms.

 

“But what?” He questioned.

 

“But i’m just unsure now. I don’t think we’re right for each other.”

 

“Not right for eachother? But didn’t Agnes say-“

 

“The whole point is i’m trying to not follow her every word anymore, Newt.”

 

_Bubble, bubble…_

 

“You don’t understand. I was told since I was a _child_ that to save the world I had to have sex in a tornado with a random man-“

 

“Random man! That’s all I am to you? A random man from a prophetic book?”

 

“That’s not what I meant!”

 

“It’s what you said!”

 

_Bubble, bubble!_

 

“We spent one night together and then all of a sudden it’s like we’re in this grand ol’ relationship? That can’t possibly be all there is too it!”

 

**_Bubble, bubble!!_ **

 

“I’m in love with you, Anathema Device!”

 

The kettle started to roar with steam. Anathema did not get up to take it off the heat. She just sat there, staring at Newt. He had slammed his hands on the table, standing up in a fit of passion. His cheeks were bright pink and he looked like he was out of breath from screaming. His eyes studied Anathema for any trace of a reaction. Tears, a smile, even a glare, anything. He found nothing.

 

“I’m sorry, Newt..” She said, rising up from her own chair as gently as wind kissing the last leaf of autumn. “I just don’t feel the same way.”

 

Newton was so far up in the clouds that the only thing that brought him back to reality was the angry honk of a New York City driver who had half a mind to run over the poor fool for idling way too long on the crosswalk.

 

When Newt finally made his way to safer grounds, he sat on a park bench.

 

Anathema and him made an agreement to be strictly roommates since all of Newt’s belongings had already been moved in for a few months and to try to be pleasant to one another. That last part wasn’t hard, but Newt would always be trying to win Anathema’s heart. Sadly, like with computers, he would keep failing over and over again.

 

He watched a lone pigeon feasting on a pebble while all the other pigeons were eating crumbs thrown about by a nice older woman. Newt reached into his pocket and found the remains of a packet of biscuits he had forgotten to empty out. He took about half of a piece of biscuit out of his pocket and waved it around a little for the bird to notice

 

“C’mon now little one, I don’t bite.” He cooed to the bird, who chirped absentmindedly. It eventually looked over at him, saw the biscuit, and begun to hop closer to him.

 

The bird was a mere two inches from his fingertips when it snatched the piece right out of his hand. It ate the biscuit like it had been the best thing the bird had ever tasted. Judging by the fact it was a New York pigeon, it probably was.

 

Newt sat around, watching that bird for some time. It at least was something to keep his mind from returning to that very afternoon.

 

For some time.

 

————

 

Pepper, Wensleydale, and Brian had all run ahead of Anathema and Aziraphale toward the Statue of Liberty. The two adults were chatting about one of Aziraphale’s many memories of history.

 

“I was here, you know? When they first delivered the statue.” Aziraphale said, pointing up at the giant green woman. “Personally, I think she looks better all put together. Sending her in pieces was Crowley’s idea.”

 

“But wasn’t Crowley in London in 1875? He told me he was there opening the first roller rink.” Anathema asked.

 

“Well yes, he was. Wiley Serpent tricked me into partaking in it too. I fell straight on my face, then he held me by the waist as we rolled around the rink.” Aziraphale sighed fondly. Crowley had always had gentle yet firm hands.

 

“Are you _sure_ you haven’t been dating 6000 years? The more you tell me about your past the more I question if you were dating and you two just didn’t realize it.” Anathema wasn’t wrong, the two of them did a lot of gay shit in the six millennia they knew eachother. Most of the time, unknowingly.

 

“Look! We’re here!” Pepper yelled back to them. When the two of them looked over they were at the base of the statue. There was a line out the bottom trying to get to the top.

 

“It’ll take forever to get up to the top!” Brian complained.

 

“Well.. it doesn’t _have_ to.” Anathema turned to Aziraphale with a wicked smile on her face. He looked back at her, appalled.

 

“Ana-“

 

“C’mon, we’re only here today! What’s a little speed up miracle gonna do to hurt?” Anathema whined. “Besides, imagine the view.”

 

“It _is_ a lovely view..” Aziraphale said. “But doing so would be so, so- dishonest.”

 

“It’s just a little itty bitty tiny teeny miracle.” Anathema said, hands clasped together. “Right kids?” All three of the children nodded. Aziraphale sighed.

 

“Oh.. Alright. Just this once. We can’t be miracling our way across the entire bloody country, though.” Aziraphale said.

 

“We promise, last time.” Anathema said. It wouldn’t be the last time or even third to last time.

 

With the snap of his fingers, the line miraculously shrunk down to just them and maybe a handful of other people. A little overkill, but Aziraphale would do anything for those children.

 

“Race you to the top!” Pepper cried out as she bolted ahead of her friends.

 

The trio started laughing as they ran all the way up the stairwell, followed by their adult supervisors. At the very top of the viewing center, the kids were in awe of the sight before them.

 

“It’s like you can see the whole world!” Wensleydale exclaimed.

 

“It's Absolutely stunning!” Pepper replied, running to a pair of binoculars.

 

“It sure is.” Anathema said, staring out on the horizon.

 

The cool summer breeze washed over her like a mist. She watched the birds fly by slowly, as if they were flying through ice. She heard a pair of footsteps walk over beside her, expecting it to be Aziraphale who was taking many pictures of the places they had been to and of them enjoying the trip.

 

When Anathema turned to greet who she thought was her godfather, her brown eyes widened with surprise. The person beside her wasn’t someone she knew. It was a woman with curly brown hair that kissed the neck of her golden skin. She was about two inches taller than Anathema. She guessed it was due to her silver wedge heels that complimented her jean skirt and ruffled baby blue top which went so perfectly with the silver dangling earrings she had on. On the edges of her earrings were little green jade gems that shone the same shade as the woman’s gorgeous eyes. Her hand brushed the rail and Anathema got a glimpse of her nails, short and painted with green glittery nail polish.

 

By the time Anathema had deconstructed the entirety of the woman’s outfit, she realized she was staring at a random stranger so intently, like a weirdo. She quickly averted her eyes back down to the city before her. However, the entire time she stood there, which felt like hours, she couldn’t stop from catching glimpses at this lovely lady who was just trying to take pretty selfies but kept rearranging the angle.

 

“Do you need a hand?” Anathema asked. “I could take the picture for you.” When the lady turned to look at her directly, all of Anathema’s insides were screaming. What had she done?

 

“Oh, would you? I’d really appreciate it. My arms just aren’t long enough to get a good angle.” The woman chuckled as she handed her phone to Anathema.

 

Anathema stood farther back and turned the phone horizontally. The woman threw up a pair of piece signs, posed cutely with emphasis on her space behind her, and flashed a huge, shiny grin. Anathema’s face heated up as she hit the button.

 

A ‘Click!’ came from the phone and she handed it back to the lady who smiled upon seeing it.

 

“It’s perfect! Thanks, Sweetheart.”

 

With that two syllable word, Anathema felt a million arrows hit her heart all at once. She could melt just from the way she said it. So soft, so silky, so unbelievably perfect.

 

“Y-You’re welcome!” Anathema said, barely able to muster out anything that wasn’t gibberish without falling over from how weak her knees were.

 

The woman had already left by the time Anathema was able to stand up again. She put her hands to her cheeks and felt how warm they were.

 

“Wow..” She muttered, a faint smile over her face.

 

Now before we get more into Anathema’s recent awakening, we need to discuss Anathema’s life up until this exact point in time. Anathema’s family was very, very invested in Agnes Nutter’s prophecies. There was no missing that. All of Anathema’s life, she was surrounded by a constant reminder of Agnes Nutter’s wisdom even in her own home, as her grandmother bought it with the money she got from investing in Apple thanks to Anges. Anathema was homeschooled by her mother using the prophecies and even learned how to read by memorizing each and every prophecy in that book.

 

She didn’t have a lot of time to think about anything aside from her destiny to save the world with the help of a man who was the descendant of the man who blew up Agnes. The man who had apparently been destined to be her lover.

 

Anathema didn’t ever question Agnes, why would she? She was always right about, well, everything. She proved that in her book. So, for most of Anathema’s life, she believed that she would save the world, fall in love with her partner in world-saving, then live happily ever after. But, Anathema would be lying if she said that no woman had caught her eye before. Plenty of them had. From friends, to celebrities, to even once a really pretty worker at a restaurant. But she chalked it all up to it being childhood crushes. All kids had them, especially on other girls. It was just a sign of womanhood. That was a lie she kept telling herself to make everything seem ok.

 

“Anathema! We’re heading back to meet with Crowley and Adam now!” Wensleydale called out to her, snapping her out of her gay trance.

 

“Coming!” Anathema said, running over to them. Whatever she felt toward women, it would have to wait for a little while. They were on vacation after all.

 

————

 

As the performance of _Mamma Mia!_ went along, Crowley watched Adam just as much as he was watching the musical. He loved Adam, really. For a child he had suggested should die about seven months beforehand, he grew really fond of him. Something about that day though rubbed him wrong.

 

Crowley had been to his fair share of musicals, both on and off broadway. Never once had a show started before 5 pm at the earliest. So all of a sudden a big budget Broadway show changing all their time slots to be set at early noon was sketchy at the very least. At the very most, Crowley suspected Adam had something to do with it. He wanted to shrug it off at first. Maybe it was really just a new time management system. Strange, ok. But then it got weirder.

 

As they were sitting there, Adam’s drink never seemed to empty. Crowley knew how much that kid could drink, he’d seen him down an entire liter of sprite in 2 minutes once. On top of that, no one had questioned Dog’s presence. He wasn’t loud or anything, but it was still a non-service dog inside a theatre. That doesn’t just happen, they specifically have signs against that.

 

But, Crowley came here to watch a musical. A damn good one night I add. The soundtrack for the movie was one of the only CDs he continuously bought once his Bentley turned them into Queen’s Greatest Hits. So, he tried to relax and watch the performance.

 

 _“I was cheated by you, and I think you know when.”_ The actress playing Donna began to sing the title song. She had quickly jumped down from her ladder, peeping into the ‘attic’ of the set and setting sights on her three past lovers. _“So I made up my mind, it must come to an end!”_

 

Adam leaned closer in to watch as she would run across the stage, vaguely dancing the whole way. She locked the doors to her hotel storage room and the goat puppet came out onto the stage.

 

 _“Look at me now. Will I ever learn? I don’t know how._ ” She sang as she pressed up against the fake stone wall. She twirled and bumped into the goat. _“But I suddenly lose controoool, there’s a fire within my soul!”_

 

Crowley’s eyes peered over to Adam. He looked like any normal kid. He had to be just a normal kid now. He rewrote history, afterall.

 

 _“Just one look and I can hear a bell ring!”_ The actress climbed up a ladder toward a set of opening blinds. _“One more look and I forget everything. Woa_ \- She slipped on a step, falling backwards quickly. “Oah!!” she yelped in surprise.

 

The audience gasped in shock and worry, but at the last second, she grabbed the on and caught herself. Had she fell from that high up, she would’ve broken more than a few bones. It was a miracle.

 

A miracle.

 

Crowley turned to look at Adam, whose eyes had shifted colors to all black with red pupils and whose hand had been in the shape of a fist grabbing on for dear life. Just like the actress’.

 

Adam noticed Crowley had caught him. His eyes turned back to normal quickly as he turned to look at his godfather.

 

“Surprise?” He said. A nervous, cheeky smile was plastered to his face.

 

_“Mamma Mia!”_

 

“Here I go again..” Crowley muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They should bring back Mamma Mia! to broadway.


	3. Panic, Parenting, and Piña Coladas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley finds out the truth, Newt finds a problem, Michael will find an answer

Crowley had once believed that he had seen everything humans were capable of. While he admired and enjoyed all the little quirks of humanity and the Earth itself, for some time it felt like nothing could surprise him anymore. That was his mindset following Armageddon’t. He witnessed the pure, unadulterated childlike humanity in all four of the Them firsthand when they made the Horsemen literally crumble before them. Crowley, at that point, felt it was undeniable that he had seen quite literally everything humanity was able to do.

 

That is, until he saw Adam Young save a woman’s life using his Antichrist powers. The powers meant to destroy the entire world. The powers he wasn’t supposed to have anymore. 

 

Crowley sat in his seat, a million miles of thoughts streaming through his head. A few of them were screaming.. a lot of them were screaming. The loudest thought in his mind, however, was “How?”

 

“Uncle..” Adam whispered, putting his hand of Crowley’s. When Crowley looked down at him once again, he saw Adam’s frown and all the thoughts started to quiet down.

 

“Let’s go outside.” Crowley whispered

 

The two of them and Dog left their seats and went in the waiting room up front. Crowley sat down on a low red seat beside a window, nearly floundering the moment his ass touched the material.

 

“Adam how the hell did-“ Before he could finish his sentence, Adam Young started to dance. It wasn’t just any dance though. I believe it was a dance called “The Hype Man” from the popular game  _ ‘Fortnite’ _ . “Adam!” No response from his godson, just more dancing.

 

You see, Adam Young, like many children, enjoyed two things. Video games and getting out of trouble they had previously gotten themselves into. So, in his eleven year old brilliance, Adam had started fortnite dancing whenever he wanted people to start talking about something he had done. He’d just keep dancing and dancing until they eventually left the room. Crowley had witnessed it happen once when Mr. Young had went to tell Adam he needed to clean the dishes he had left in the sink. Miraculously, it worked.

 

“Adam you can't pull this with me, I invented Fortnite!” Crowley groaned. This declaration caused Adam to stop in his tracks.

 

“You did?!” He asked in awe.

 

“No!” Crowley said. “And I'm a little insulted you actually believed that!” He let out a sigh, “Look, Adam. You didn’t tell us you still had your powers.”

 

“I’m sorry!” Adam apologized. “I just wasn’t sure how to break it to you.”

 

“Break it t- Adam.” Crowley said, sitting up. “Adam, breaking news to someone is what you do when their pet dies. Or you dent their car. Not when you lie about still being the bloody Antichrist!” 

 

“I’m sorry, really!” Adam said. “I am! I just- I had just discovered them. I did a lot of bad things but I also used them to save the world! I didn’t know if we’d ever need them again. Especially- Especially with Heaven and Hell riding down yours and Uncle Zira’s necks! What if they tried to kill you? I could protect you!” 

 

“Adam.. It’s not your job to protect us.” Crowley took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. They still hadn’t told their family the tiny little detail about him and Aziraphale being kidnapped and nearly murdered by those twats Gabriel and Beelzebub. “It’s just not. You’re a kid. Moreover, you’re our godson. It’s  _ our  _ job to protect  _ you _ . Antichrist or not.” 

 

“I’m really sorry..” Adam muttered. Crowley patted the seat beside him, to which Adam obliged. “You’re really mad at me, aren’t you?”

 

“To be honest with you, Adam, I'm more worried than ticked. You’re a little kid you can’t be using these powers irresponsibly. Look what happened last time! You  _ made  _ Atlantis!” 

 

“I’m not using them wrong!” Adam said. “I only use them for little things. Keeping my cup filled, cleaning my bedroom, not letting it rain on days were going to play at the hideout. Saving that woman was the biggest thing I had done with them since Armageddon.”

 

“And what about changing the times of the show? Thought you’d never seen a musical before?” Crowley questioned him. Adam bit his lip. 

 

“Ok that was a lie too, I saw  _ Mamma Mia! _ with my mom once for mother’s day.” Crowley gasped dramatically, clutching at his shirt for effect.

 

“I can excuse being the Antichrist, but lying about  _ Mamma Mia! _ , unforgivable.” Crowley waved his hand for even more flare, getting a small laugh out of Adam. “We have to tell the others, you know that.” 

 

“Uncle Crow, please..” Adam gripped at Crowley’s jacket. “Please don’t tell them yet. I know we have to.. but we just started the trip, I don’t wanna scare everyone. Especially my friends..” He looked ready to cry, sniffling. Dog whined, watching his boy be so upset.

 

All of the parental signals in Crowley’s mind went off all at once, making him scoop Adam up in a big hug. 

 

“Alright, alright, we’ll wait. But we’re telling them before we get back to England. And no more miracles, you hear me?” 

 

“Promise.” 

 

“Good. Now c’mon, let’s go. We have a musical to watch. If we hurry we’ll be able to catch the part where they’re on the beach.” 

 

————

 

After a long day and a delicious meal, the ineffable family had found their way to a fancy hotel to spend the night. A triple suite had just miraculously opened up last minute. 

 

The Them had found their way into the kid’s room, complete with bunk beds. They were currently doing rock paper scissors over who slept on the top and who slept on the bottom. Anathema had set up her bed with her own pillow as she didn’t really trust the comfort of hotel pillows. Newt was sitting at the small dining table tinkering away at random pieces of computer hardware underneath a small lamp. Dog had made himself comfortable on the couch in the living area. Finally, Aziraphale and Crowley had gotten into the only double bed in the whole suite.

 

“So how was your day, dear?” Aziraphale asked, shifting over to look at his husband. “Did Adam enjoy the show?”

 

“Hm? Oh, yeah, he did.” Crowley said. He also saved a woman’s life from ten rows away from the stage, but you know. Details. “Got a shirt when we left. What about you? Buy any souvenirs at those little gift shops?”

 

“Oh yes! I found the most remarkable little pen set with the Statue of Liberty’s crown on it!” Aziraphale said “I also bought a nice book on the history of the statue.”

 

“Aziraphale, you were  _ there _ , remember?”

 

“Yes, well, I didn’t stay for the entire building process. It’s quite a fascinating read already.” Aziraphale said, looking back at the book in his hands.

 

“This is why I never learned how to read.” 

 

———-

 

Newt had peaked up from his work for just a moment when all of the nightly exhaustion hit him. He stretched his arms, popped his back, and yawned loudly. He got up from his chair, maybe a walk would be good for him. 

 

He took a card key and left to wander the halls of the stunning hotel. Newt had only ever stayed in the cheaper, bummer hotels when he had the chance. So being in a place with so much space between the walls was like walking into the royal palace. 

 

He took a turn into the soda machine and snack areas. Thought he could use a bottle of sweet tea. Best thing he was going to get unless he pestered Aziraphale awake to miracle him a kettle. Considering he wasn’t a child and Crowley was clinging to Aziraphale as he slept, chances are that wouldn’t work. So he had to settle.

 

He got out a dollar and put it into the machine. The machine immediately spit it back out at him. Try again? Spit it out. Try again? Spit it out.

 

Newt was wrestling with the damned contraption for a solid three minutes before he heard a pair of voices coming down the hall.

 

“Damned Gabriel. Damned ‘vacation’.” 

 

“Michael-“

 

“Uriel, listen. All I'm saying is we could be doing more important things with our time. Heavenly beings don’t  _ need  _ vacation.”

 

When Newt heard these voices coming, he panicked. What were other angels doing here? He looked around for an escape route of any kind, and found a door to the laundry room. 

 

He hid inside as quickly as he could, falling to the ground with his back and ear pressed up against the door to hear them.

 

Archangels Michael and Uriel were heading to the ice machine with one of those hotel buckets. Michael was in a very, very bad mood.

 

“The Almighty ordered us to take one. We can’t go against what she says.” Uriel said, lining the bucket up with the machine. 

 

“I’m not, that’s why I'm here. I just don’t trust it. This is Gabriel were talking about. The flash bastard-“ Michael groaned, tugging on his shirt. “These clothes too! The Almighty could  _ not  _ have possibly told us to wear things that are so- so- ridiculous!” On the shirt was the picture of a pineapple wearing a bright pink thong with equally as bright pink font underneath that read ‘SLUT’. “This is just demeaning.”

 

The ice machine rumbled and expelled ice into the bucket which Uriel took back. They looked down at their own shirt which was more of a tank top. It was somewhere between red and pink and read ‘What up, Beaches?’ clearly meaning ‘What up, Bitches?’ 

 

“Gabriel said he did all the research on what humans wear during vacations himself.” Uriel said. “Let’s not dwell on it much, Michael. After that failure of an Armageddon we all need some down time. Even the Almighty sees that.”

 

“Uriel, we’ve never been given a day off before.” Michael said.

 

“But now we’ve been given the entire summer off. Might as well enjoy it. I suspect it won’t happen again.” Uriel turned around the corner and motioned for Michael to follow. Michael huffed and before he did, he noticed a one dollar bill peeking out of the soda machine. Strange.. He turned and followed after Uriel.

 

“Gabriel better have saved some martinis for us!” 

 

Newt Pulsifer was internally screaming. What does he do? Does he tell the others immediately, and they book it back to England? Does he prepare in case there’s a fight? He wasn’t much of a fighter at all, so that second plan was completely out of the question. He stood up and did what any average person would do in that situation.

 

He didn’t say a word. 

 

————

 

Michael and Uriel returned to the penthouse suite, where more than a few dozen angels were lollygagging about, drinking like it was the end of the world. Which, had it really been the end of the world, none of them would even be here. At the very front of the wetbar was ‘Archangel Fucking Gabriel’ dressed in a baby blue polo shirt that had its collar half up. He was drunkenly-boasting about how he finally figured out what kind of matter actually was decently enjoyable to put into his corporeal form. Funny enough, it was alcohol! Leaning over him was Sandalphon, wearing a lampshade, rubbing his fingers together letting salt fall from them freely over the rim of Gabriel’s margarita.

 

“And that’s when I went up to the front office and said “Yes, I would like to try one alcohol!” and by the lord’s luck, it was actually good!” Gabriel laughed before slamming the martini. 

 

“We got the ice.” Uriel said walking up to the crowd with Michael. 

 

“Ah, perfect!” Gabriel said, taking the tub. “We can make something called a piña colada.” 

 

“Ooh! Humans have a song about that one!” Sandalphon added “Something something piñaaa coladaas.” He started to sing, missing every word and even most of the beats of the song anyway.

 

“Gabriel, a word, will you?” Michael said, grabbing him by the collar, leading him away from the drinking rally, and taking him to the bedroom.

 

“What’s the haps’ Mike?” Gabriel slurred. Michael crossed his arms.

 

“The ‘haps’ Gabriel is that this vacation thing is going a bit far, don’t you think?” Michael asked. He was being rhetorical of course. Gabriel never thinks.

 

“The Almighty told us we needed to loosen up.” Gabriel said, plopping his ass down onto the bed. “So I have been.”

 

“Gabriel, this is undignified.” Michael said, placing his hands on his hips. “Look at you, you’re slobbering like a- a sinful little-“

 

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence!” Gabriel pointed an accusatory finger at him. “Don’t do it!”

 

“Like a sinful little harlot!” Gabriel groaned in response.

 

“How dare you.” Gabriel said, standing back up. “All we’re trying to do is enjoy ourselves. It’s all according to the Almighty’s will!” 

 

“The Almighty wouldn’t be telling her archangels to be doing shitty body shots off each other!” Michael yelled.

 

“Ooh? Body shots sound like a  _ fantastic  _ idea.” 

 

“Gabriel!” 

 

“Mikey, listen. Have a drink, relax. Afterall,” Gabriel rubbed his temples as he went to the door. “It’s all according to her Great Plan.” And with that he left.

 

Now, in all honesty, the Almighty did  _ not  _ tell the forces of heaven to go on vacation. In fact, no one was able to get ahold of her at all since Armageddon. There was no call at all. No responses. Nothing. See, Gabriel had a brilliant idea. Heaven was even more tense after two idiots failed to die as punishment for fooling with the war to end all wars. Gabriel realized that, if heaven was going to be so pissy for another few millennia, he might as well give them a little nudge into mellowing out. Afterall, he deserved a vacation anyway.

 

Michael, however, had been around a very long time. He knew the Almighty like the back of his hand. At least, he thought he did. Armageddon threw everything up in the air. Anything seemed possible. But, something about this whole vacation thing was a little too strange. Michael was going to get to the bottom of it. Especially if it meant he would be taking Gabriel down a peg.


	4. Pancakes and Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the kids go cryptid hunting, Beelzebub just wants some time alone.

It had been a few more days on the road since Newt heard all about Heaven’s little seasonal getaway, and still, he said nothing about it. He just kept checking over his shoulder every now and then. Who was he to ruin the family vacation with possibly important information?

 

The Them were getting ready to explore a lovely little town in West Virginia. Anathema had mentioned that in the woods beside their destination was where people came to look for the illustrious ‘Mothman’ and the kids just went absolutely rabid. They _had_ to go find ‘em.

 

“Bet you Mothman has big red eyes that stare through your soul.” Brian said, making circles around his eyes with his fingers.

 

“And giant wings that’ll blow down trees from one flutter!” Pepper jumped off one bed to the other and scared Wensleydale so badly he fell backwards.

 

“You’re all gonna miss out on finding the thing if you don’t hurry along now.” Aziraphale said through the bubbles of toothpaste in his mouth. He didn’t need to brush his teeth, but it helped cleanse his pallet. “We’re only going to be town for the day so I’d suggest hopping to it.”

 

“Yes, Uncle!” The kids all said as one

 

Anathema was in front of the mirror tying her hair up nice and tight on the top of her head. She had a long day of exploring nature with four kids, couldn’t let it get caught on anything. Crowley was beside her, doing his own hair. He decided to make it long for when they’d roll down the window in the bentley and let it blow free. He was tying it back because it was bloody hot in the summer and his angel wanted to embark with him on a trip to see all the little museums and shops in town.

 

“So you’ll be alright with the kids and Dog all day?” Crowley asked.

 

“Yes, Crowley. I’ll be fine.” Anathema said, as if she was answering a parent.

 

“Crowley what?” Crowley repeated.

 

“I’m 23 years old.” She answered.

 

“And I'm still your godfather.” He said.

 

“Yes you are.” She gave him a quick hug. “The kids will be just fine. Mothman isn’t even really real, is it?”

 

“Your guess is as good as mine. Heaven and Hell outsource cryptids.” Crowley shrugged. “Verdict’s still out on ghosts, too.”

 

“If we find him we’ll be legends!” Adam said.

 

“You sure four kids and your friendly neighborhood witch can find a barely seen before cryptid?” Anathema said, walking over to the Them and Dog who were waiting patiently at the door.

 

Adam was about to speak before he met Crowley’s gaze. Adam could tell just what Crowley was trying to tell him just from the look in his snakey yellow eyes. And had what he had been trying to say directed to anyone but a child it would’ve probably involved a lot more curse words. In short, Crowley’s look gave Adam a warning about using _you know what_ in front of _you know who_.

 

“..We can try.” Adam said. And without another word, the group left.

 

“Newton, are you sure you don’t want to join us? You haven’t done much of anything all trip aside from tinkering away with your machine.” Aziraphale walked over to Newt and put a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Ah, no, no. I’m really close on fixing this piece. I may go out in a bit, though.” He said with a smile. However, behind the false smile was the overwhelming fear that the forces of heaven were following them. Apart from the first time he saw them in New York he had spotted a very familiar sounding person every few stops they’d take. Perhaps it was paranoia. He hadn’t ever seen their face to be sure. But, something inside him would turn on whenever he heard that voice, the voice that he assumed belonged to Archangel Michael, and he would flee. He didn’t want to be apart of any more world-ending affairs, all he wanted was to figure out this blasted phone piece!

 

“If you’re sure. We’ll bring you back some sweets if you’d like.” Aziraphale offered. Even when being directly lie to to his face, Aziraphale wouldn’t expect it from someone. It’s in a human’s best nature to share how they feel.

 

“I’m alright, but thank you. I do appreciate it.” Newt said.

 

“Angel, let’s get a move on. They’ll be opening up shops soon. See you in awhile, Newt.” Crowley waved as he and Aziraphale left the room.

 

Once the door clicked closed, Newt let out a deep sigh.

 

He was all alone, again. On top of worrying about his stupid feelings, he was worried for his life.

 

Fun way to spend a vacation.

 

————-

 

Had Crowley and Aziraphale left the hotel about fourteen minutes later than they had originally, they would’ve ran directly into Beelzebub, lord of the flies and Dagon, lord of the files coming downstairs to raid the complimentary breakfast bar of all of its stale mini muffins and soggy pancakes and far past expired orange juice.

 

You may be wondering what exactly the highest forces of hell were doing in a Hotel Eight in the middle of West Virginia. Well, let’s go back to about a week ago.

 

Ever since Armageddon’t, Beelzebub was up to their neck in even more paperwork. Their lord, Satan, had been MIA since being yelled at and fortnite dance’d at by his rebellious son. So what poor fool was stuck picking up the slack? Beelzebub. Who was the sucker who had to keep the forces of hell in check? Beelzebub.

 

“We want time off.”

 

Who was the damned bitch who had to deal with the entire highest principality of Hell knocking at their door, demanding a vacation? Beelzebub.

 

Dukes Hastur and Ligur had walked in to Beelzebub’s office one exceptionally hellish morning. Their flies assaulted the two of them’s eardrums as soon as they came in. Beelzebub was looking over another set of files they had gotten from Dagon, something over things called “tide pods” as a possible way to cause some chaos in the human world.

 

“The bloody hell are you two talking about?” Beelzebub said, not even looking up from the file.

 

“Just what we said. We want time off. All of us.” Hastur slammed his hand on the rickety desk. Beelzebub peered up at them, their flies buzzing with annoyance.

 

“This is _Hell_. We don’t give time off. Now get out of my offizzze before I zzzend you down to the hellhoundzzz.”

 

“Lord Beelzebub, im afraid that won’t be possible. Everyone’s on our side.” Ligur said. As he opened the door to Beelzebub’s office, a swarm of demons were waiting on the outside. All of them began to shout and yell and complain about wanting vacation time.

 

“Armageddon being such a failure and all-“ Ligur started.

 

“-Made everyone a little tense.” Hastur finished.

 

Long story painfully short, Beelzebub was now stuck as the trip organizer for more than a handful of higher-up demons who most had never made their way to earth before. Beelzebub themselves had only ever been to earth a small amount of times, but enough to know not to try and eat the lightbulbs because you enjoy the taste of glass.

 

Luckily, Dagon had offered to help them out with general things including keeping the demons from completely ruining everything. Strange, if you look at it out of context. In context, it was simply due to the fact that Beelzebub didn’t want any more paperwork to go back to after all of this.

 

They went back to the rooms of each few groups of demons and delivered breakfast to each. Continental breakfast, the worst type of breakfast known to man or demon, as hell had originally invented it. It was one of Crowley’s ‘evil’ ideas from the mid 19th century. He told them that it is like, for lack of a better phrase, a snake in the grass. Free food early in the morning? Sounds positively delightful. But when you bite into the muffin and it tasted like it had been ran over by a tractor? Positively devilish.

 

“Thizz izz humiliating.” Beelzebub grumbled as the door of another room was closed in their face. “I hate thizzz zztupid dizzguizze. I hate mini muffinzzz. I hate all of thizzz.” They motioned to their outfit. As they couldn’t be walking around mortals with puss-dripping boils all over their face or even their fly hat, they had to make some outfit adjustments. Black shorts, a feather gray t-shirt and black jean jacket over it. Their belt and glasses shared the same red hue.

 

“I understand my lord, but it’ll only be a few more weeks.” Dagon said reassuringly. She was dressed in a shiny, almost scaley top that reflected some light. How she managed to handle jeans in the summer in a mortal vessel, Beelzebub would never understand.

 

Dagon stood by Lord Beelzebub through many things. She cared about them, in ways that only those who come from Hell can care about others. It was also sort of in a gay way.

 

“The time can't fly by any zzzooner, can it?” Beelzebub finally entered the room they had been sharing with Dagon and plopped onto the bed.

 

“Why don’t you take tonight off? I’ll entertain the others while you go have some alone time?” Dagon said. “Least I can do for you.”

 

“Zzzometimezzz I think you’re too nizzze to be a demon, Dagon.” Beelzebub said.

 

“Only to you.” Dagon chuckled. “It’s your vacation too. Have fun.”

 

“I will.. thank you.” Beelzebub ate a single muffin. Yep, definitely tasted like it was ran over.

 

—————-

 

Crowley and Aziraphale wandered around the lovely little town, hand in hand, for a few hours before finding a positively adorable little shop. All of the little trinkets and toys were themed to the town legend of Mothman. Mothman plushies, Mothman snow globes, even Mothman cookies. Aziraphale loved every little bit of it.

 

“Oh Crowley, look!” Aziraphale called Crowley over to a set of lockets. “It’s one of those split necklaces. One says “Be My” and the other half says “Cryptid”. How adorable!”

 

“Do you wanna get ‘em, Angel?” Crowley asked. He already knew the answer the moment he saw the shine in Aziraphale’s eyes. Crowley just let out a light chuckle. “Ok, ok.”

 

“Thank you, dear.” Aziraphale said, planting a kiss on Crowley’s cheek. Crowley’s face turned as red as the flames of hell. “You know, I wonder if the children will find anything.”

 

“Psh, You know how the Bad Place is with their cryptids. Make ‘em extra hard to find.” Crowley said.

 

“Yes, but you know how clever our godchildren are.” Aziraphale added. “And they seemed so excited. Perhaps Ana can help with her witch powers. She does have witch powers, right?”

 

“Knowing that girl, she’d scare Mothman away from how loud she’d declare it being there.” Crowley chuckled. “But, five heads are better than one. If they come back with the bloody thing you’re not sampling it, though.”

 

“Oh, heavens!” Aziraphale lightly smacked his serpent in the gut. “I would never!” Then, his eye caught another cute toy. “Oh look!”

 

The two of them would spend their evening blissfully unaware of the events unfurling with their godchildren.

 

——————

 

Anathema and the Them were walking along to backwoods in search of the monster. The only source of light they had was coming from Anathema’s phone and the occasional glint from Dog’s eyes.

 

“This is scary..” Wensleydale quivered, turning his head a million different ways. “I think we should go back..”

 

“We’re only a few miles up from the hotel, Wensley, don’t worry.” Anathema said. “Besides, you have a big bad witch to protect you. Mothman’s gonna need to get through this guy.” she put one hand on her bicep. “and this guy” And repeat. “To even _think_ about getting you.”

 

“Aren’t witches supposed to use potions to fight off monsters, not their fists?” Pepper asked.

 

“This witch lifts, kids.” Anathema said. In reality she could barely lift four bags of groceries at once, but she had to give some sense of bravery to the kids.

 

Beelzebub, not far away, was wandering the woods. They hadn’t been out by themselves on earth in many years. Last time they did appear was to do some quick tempting as stress relief and ended up causing a couple human couples to drive away in fear.

 

This was the only place on earth that Beelzebub could really stretch their wings. Before the Fall, their wings had been pearl white with trillions of soft feathers that were just so plush. Now, they were the wings of a fly. It was fitting of someone like them.

 

They summoned their wings and took flight, speeding through the woods. Thanks to their smaller corporeal form, they would make it around the trees easier than most. The wind on their non-disease ridden face almost felt nice. They started to fly so fast that the trees would even sway toward them as they raced by.

 

Out of nowhere came a rustle, causing the kids to jump. Anathema quickly flashed her light in its general direction. Dog got into an attack position and started to growl.

 

Out popped a rabbit. They all let out the air they were holding in their chest.

 

“Whew,” Anathema said. “For a second there I thought-“

 

The wind began to swirl. The trees began to rustle. The sound of big buzzing wings grew close to them. The group turned around slowly and were face to face with a small, shiny eyed, shadowy _thing_. In reality, it had been Lord Beelzebub who had flown too fast to notice the group right in their path and was this close to slamming right into them.

 

Anathema dropped her phone in panic as they all screamed and ran for the hotel. Adam was the only one to turn back, checking if it was following them. His eyes turned into his Antichrist eyes, scoping out the area for anything strange. He saw a set of... fly wings?

 

He stopped in his tracks, the others ran off without him, too scared to notice. Adam walked into the darkness, inching ever closer to the monster.

 

“You’re not Mothman, are you?” He asked the darkness.

 

“ _You_ .” The familiar voice said. “What are _you_ doing _here_?” It was the same whiny voice who told him to start Armageddon. Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies.

 

“It’s you, that fly person from Hell. I’m here with my family. If you’re here to harm them, know that I’ll stop you.”

 

They laughed.

 

“Why would I be here by myself to take out the traitor and his little pet angel?” Beelzebub asked. “After the little scene they pulled during their execution, Heaven and Hell don’t want anything to do with them. I’m here on my own little get away.”

 

“Execution..?” Adam stepped closer. “What execution?”

 

Beelzebub’s eyes grew wide. No, they couldn’t of.. could they?

 

“They didn’t tell you, eh?” Beelzebub asked.

 

Before Adam could press the question, he heard the bark of Dog draw closer as did the calls for his name from what sounded like Anathema.

 

“Better run off, boy. Your ‘ _family’_ is waiting.” A _demon_ and an _angel_ having a family together? Beelzebub scoffed at even the thought.

 

Adam ran off in the other direction. Beelzebub watched him go. So, the traitors were here too? How annoying. Hopefully, they wouldn’t interfere with anything Beelzebub had planned. And just maybe, that little seed of doubt sown into the Antichrist’s mind would do all the work for them.

 

“Adam there you are, are you alright?” Anathema immediately got to eye level with him, cupping his face. “That’s it, no more cryptid hunting. Dumb things must’ve sensed the witchyness on me.”

 

“Yeah.. that must be it.” Adam said. “Let’s.. lets just go back to the room.”

 

“Ok, honey.”

 

As the two of them headed back to the room, where Aziraphale and Crowley awaited them with room service. Adam couldn’t help but think about what Beelzebub asked him. All he could do was hope he wouldn’t run into them again.

 

Sadly, Adam wouldn’t be so lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y’all enjoyed the chapter i dunno if I really liked it myself but I have like a plan to bring everyone together eventually. So stick around for that! love yall’s amazing faces, have a nice night


	5. Pillows and Prayers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam breaks several things and Beelzebub has to keep everything together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m running out of P-words to name these chapters

Adam walked in with Anathema, hand in hand. At the table everyone was eating the just delivered room service. Adam tried to keep his eyes ahead and not look upset. If his uncles found out, he was sure they’d have a fit about it.

 

“Ah, Adam there you are.” Aziraphale said, standing up from his seat and hurrying over to the child. “Pepper, Brian, and Wensley told us what you saw.”

 

“T-They did?” He asked. They couldn’t of seen Beelzebub, no possible way, right? It was too dark.

 

“Yes! You ran into Mothman.” Aziraphale bent down to his eye level. “I do hope the nasty ol’ thing didn’t frighten you too much.” He put a tender hand on Adam’s shoulder, it helped the boy feel just a tad bit better. “If it did, we can go find it and give it a stern lecture as to why it shouldn’t mess with our godchildren.”

 

“No!” Adam yelped. All eyes turned to him. “No.. No i don’t think it was trying to cause any trouble. We must’ve startled it. Best if we leave it alone. What’s for dinner?”

 

“Oh, right. We ordered you some grilled chicken and mac and cheese.” Aziraphale stood up.

 

“With fries?”

 

“Of course.” 

 

Anathema and Adam took their places back at the table, Anathema beside Newt and Adam in between Pepper and Crowley.

 

“You were real scared, weren’t you, Adam?” Pepper asked before munching on her quesadillas.

 

“Was not!” Adam huffed. He looked down at his meal and ate, trying to appear as everything was normal. Crowley looked at him, and could just feel something was wrong.

 

After everyone had washed up for the night and Adam was going to lay down, he heard footsteps. He turned around and saw Crowley standing in the doorway of the adult’s room. 

 

“Hey, kid. Mind if we talk?” Crowley whispered. Adam nodded in response. The two of them left the room quietly as to not wake anyone up. 

 

They walked down the small hallway through the hotel. West Virginia small towns didn’t exactly have hotels of high luxury, so they picked the one with a pool. It had its perks, really. It had free cookies in the front office.

 

“What really happened out there?” Crowley asked. “The others came running in all frightened. Wensley was crying. Then we didn’t see you.. Did you-?”

 

“I used my powers, just to get a clear look of the monster. Nothing else. No one saw me.” Adam answered quickly, averting his eyes from Crowley.

 

“Adam you know I came up with the ‘averting eyes when you’re hiding something’ thing, don’t you?” Crowley said. “Doesn’t work very well on me.”

 

“I know you’re just lying ‘bout that, Uncle.” Adam muttered. Crowley stopped in his place and looked at the little boy. Crowley had known many, many humans over 6000 years. Many of them he quite liked, infact. He knew how to react with them for most situations in most locations. He didn’t know how to react when The Antichrist, Destroyer of Worlds, King of Darkness, who happened to be his godson accused him of lying while the two of them were inside a hotel eight hallway.

 

“What makes you think I'd lie to you about anything? You’re my godson.” Crowley bent down and hugged his knees to keep his balance. “I’d never lie to you.” This too, was a lie. a hypocritical lie to boot.

 

“Yes you would. You’re a demon.” Adam turned around, like a child having a tantrum because that’s exactly what he was, Antichrist or not.

 

“Adam, bloody hell, tell me what’s eating at you?” Crowley asked. “What’d I do?”

 

He heard a heavy  _ drip, drip, drip  _ coming from where Adam stood. When he looked closely he saw dark black droplets staining the small square of carpet between Adam and the wall. Adam would sniffle, and more droplets would fall. 

 

“Adam?”

 

Crowley turned the boy around and it looked like he had been crying motor oil. What really surprised the demon was that Adam’s eyes had changed again. The boy’s fists were clenched so tight it could squeeze the life out of someone. 

 

“You lied to me!” Adam’s cry rumbled the little hotel so much that Crowley toppled over. “You keep lying to me!” Vases began to rumble, bursting, letting water and pottery shards spread through the entire hotel. The windows from the outside shattered also, the wind erupting inside like a tornado.

 

“Adam!!” Crowley cried out. He had only ever been afraid of a few things in his immortal life, but right now? Right now he was really scared.

 

“You could’ve gotten killed! You could’ve left us! Left me!” Adam’s cry got louder. The rumbles got heavier. The oil started to pour out of his eyes. Sooner or later, someone was going to walk into this and get hurt, but Adam was too upset to see that. Crowley had to work fast. 

 

“Adam, you’re going to end up killing someone if you don’t calm down!” Crowley shakily got to his feet, barely able to stand with all the tension. He just hoped his angel and the others were ok. “Calm down, please!”

 

Crowley grabbed Adam’s arm and pulled him into a tight hug. He had seen things like this happen in movies before, he just hoped it would work. Anything to stop the mini-apocalypse happening inside the hotel.

 

“I’m here, Adam. I’ll tell you everything, just stop!” Crowley’s, well, I wouldn’t say ‘prayers’, but something akin to it, were answered. The waters were receding, the glass repaired itself, the vases even appeared with even more beautiful flowers than had been there before. The only thing still in its place after the whole hullabaloo was a sniffling little boy who was now clinging to his demon godfather.

 

“They were gonna kill you.. and you didn’t tell us..” In an instant, Crowley knew what had rattled Adam so much. He picked up the boy and wiped his tears with one thumb. 

 

“C’mon, let’s go for a drive.”

 

——————

 

What felt like an eternity to Crowley, witnessing the boy he cared for breakdown into an almost demonic power spasm during an emotional breakdown, felt like only a minute to the guests at the hotel. A very, very chaotic moment. 

 

Demons would pour from their rooms and flood into Beelzebub and Dagon’s. They were all startled. What the hell was that? Was earth always so hectic? Was it something they should be worried about? 

 

Dagon sat up from the bed she laid in and turned to look at Beelzebub, who was laying beside her, eyes wide open, one twitching.

 

“All of you zzzhut up!” Beelzebub bolted up to their feet and roared at the top of their lungs. They would’ve been truly terrifying had it not been for the fact they were in pajamas. “All it wazzz wazzz a damn earthquake! Remember? The thing  _ we  _ made! Now get out before I zzzend you all to the firezz of hell myself!” They threw the pillow they had been laying on at the closest demon possible, who happened to be Hastur. The pillow hit him in the face and he stumbled back, only to be caught by Ligur. 

 

As the demons grumbled and left. Dagon watched as Beelzebub jumped down from where they stood on the bed and started opening the covers again.

 

“My lord?” She asked. “It really was just an earthquake, right?”

 

“Of courzzze it wazzz, Dagon.” Beelzebub huffed. “No need to worry about anything. Now go back to bed.”

 

“Alright, if you say so.” Dagon fell back asleep in no time. When you’re finally allowed to sleep in something more comfortable than a raggedy desk chair, you take advantage of it. Unless you were Beelzebub, who sat there staring at the peaceful demon beside them. 

 

Only they knew what that possibly could’ve been, as they had ran into the source of it a few hours before. It was heavy, powerful. Like someone had thrown the planet. As much as it burned in Beelzebub to be rid of that traitor and his little entourage, the smallest twinge of unease hit them. That child was nothing the forces of hell had ever been up against before. That child had defeated his father, their lord Satan all with a few words. There was no possible way a couple dozen demons could take out him, his traitorous  _ ‘godfathers’ _ and whatever other members of the group were there. Beelzebub, for the first time in a very, very long time, was scared. Scared not only of the child, but of what could happen to their forces, to themself, to Dagon.. 

 

They shook their head, the buzz of flies never dying from their eardrums even if the actual flies weren’t there. No, that couldn’t happen. They wouldn’t let it happen. They couldn’t risk everything. 

 

It was now up to Beelzebub to keep their flock far, far away from the Antichrist. Had to be easy, they were in a big country. Shouldn’t really be a challenge.

 

Beelzebub would be in for a whole lot more than a challenge.

 

———-

 

The way the bentley’s engine hummed at night was much different than how it hummed in the day. In the day time, it was like a low music note playing beneath the medley of the world. Like a nightingale singing its heart song in the middle of berkeley square. At night, instead, it was the soloist in an empty concert hall. It was so beautiful that it would bring the nearest soul to tears. Usually, that nearest soul was Crowley, who loved his car a lot. But right now, right now it was as silent as Adam was, clutching at the seatbelt, his eyes down.

 

Crowley shifted in the driver seat just a little, peering at Adam as they drove the dead streets. If someone had told him that this kid, this sad small kid, was capable of causing cataclysmic destruction anytime he saw fit, Crowley would find it hard to believe them.

 

“So.. You found out about the little.. eh, execution, huh?” Crowley tried to dance around the exact wording. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me they were after you?” Adam muttered. “I could’ve helped..”

 

“Adam-“ Crowley started, before letting out a sigh. “Like I said before, it’s not your job-“

 

“I don’t care! I don’t wanna lose you two!” Adam cried out. He took a deep breath in his nose. Stay calm, he told himself. “It might not be my job, but you and Aziraphale.. like you said, you’re my godfathers. You’re part of my family. I can protect you, so I should.”

 

“..Look, kid.” Crowley parked the bentley on the street of downtown and turned to Adam. “You and the others are the closest thing me and Aziraphale have ever had to a family of our own. This is a whole new territory, for both of us. And in 6,000 years it’s quite literally world rocking to explore new territory. We didn’t want to worry all of you, because we expected them to try and off us right after Armageddon. That’s exactly what happened.” Adam looked up at Crowley slowly

 

“What were they gonna do? What even kills you two?” Adam asked, unaware of how bad that sounded. 

 

“Holy water,” Crowley pointed at himself with his thumb. “and hellfire.” 

 

“How’d you.. You know, survive?” Crowley chuckled. 

 

“Agnes Nutter gave us one last good prediction before it all went up in smoke.” Crowley said. “We spent the whole night after Armageddon practicing to be each other until we could scare the shit out of Heaven and Hell. Uncle Zira even got down the way I walk, down to a tee.” 

 

“That’s brilliant!” Adam laughed lightly. “We.. we didn’t run into Mothman. We, well I, I ran into that fly person, from Armageddon. The one with the weird hat.” He motioned to an invisible hat atop his head. Crowley nodded.

 

“Beelzebub. Lord of the flies and lord of being a pain in my ass.” He said. Perhaps he shouldn’t swear so much in front of a child, but he was a demon after all. “Any idea why they were here? Or if they’re alone?”

 

“They told me was they were on vacation.” Adam said. “They did say they weren’t trying to look for you or Uncle Zira, though.” 

 

That surprised Crowley. Beelzebub? On holiday? No way they chose to do that themselves. They were a workaholic first, demon second. 

 

“I see. Listen, Adam.” Crowley said. “You can tell me anything. And I promise from now on if we’re ever in danger I'll let you know. But don’t go trying to fight our battles for us. That’s the job of grown ups.” He ruffled Adam’s hair and he flashed Crowley a bright smile that couldn’t possibly be from anyone other than Adam Young, resident Antichrist and all-around good kid. It was something that made Crowley rather proud, the kid’s good nature. No demon would ever say that about any kid, but Crowley was not just any demon.

 

No, he was the best demon godfather any kid could ask for.

 


	6. Parrots, Pining, and Petrified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disney World is where all your dreams come true, or where all your old bosses see you and make googley eyes at your goddaughter.

Another day, another city to get to. The family had packed up their things early that morning and started driving south, very south. They had to come up with a place to go, and Crowley had insisted they leave right away as to not waste daylight, so they decided to go with a pretty easy stop plan. Orlando, Florida. More specifically, they were gonna stop at Disney World.

 

Crowley thought it was perfect. Florida itself was the closest thing Earth would ever have in regards to a true embodiment of Hell but Orlando was home to quite literally “The Happiest Place on Earth”. Absolute demon repellent. Was Crowley excited to have his ears assaulted by childhood wonder and phoned-in happiness from the tired, sweaty employees? No, but it would keep his family safe and the kids seemed excited.

 

As they drove into the city, Anathema rolled down the window and watched as buildings and trees and people went by. The breeze felt cool on her face. This whole thing felt right. 

 

What she didn’t see was Newt staring at her. More specifically, staring at the way she smiled so gently out at the city. Newt, for lack of a better word, was a bubble boy. He lived in a space of security his whole life, never escaping outside of it for any real reason. Watching Anathema let her hair blow in the wind as city building after city building drove by, it hit him. He was really a bubble boy. Still was, even on the trip of a lifetime! He had his reasons, obviously. He wouldn’t deny that. But, what was he to do? Let them define him? No. No, absolutely not. There was only one way to really get this fear out of him. 

 

He had to tell them he saw other angels. 

 

“Alright, were here!” Crowley announced. All the children turned to look out a window and see themselves enter the pearly white castle gates of the happiest place on earth.

 

Disney World.

 

Whatever spark of bravery that had been in Newt’s gut had been put out just as quickly as it started. Surely he could tell them later? No angel would follow them to Disney World.

 

Right?

 

————

 

In the mix of parents and children and character costumes that roamed down Main Street, there stood a quartet of angels, all dressed in ‘proper Disney World attire’ as Gabriel put it. Gabriel was dressed like a barbecue dad who loved God, thanks to the extra little christian fanny pack he wore. It had no real purpose as he didn’t store anything in it, but it made him feel more ‘human tourist-y’. Sandalphon was wearing a hat that had a set of Goofy’s ears hanging out, he found charm in them as it made him seem like  _ he  _ was the dog! Hilarious. Uriel wore a t-shirt with a picture of a duck on it. Just a normal duck. And Michael? Michael was wearing half-on Mickey Mouse ears, a red shirt covered in white spots, and the most overly annoyed expression on his face. 

 

“Ah, can you all feel that? That’s love.” Gabriel commented. “Pure love. God really put a lot of care into creating this place.”

 

“I feel the mercy prayers coming from the poor bastard in the rat costume or the dread of parents with screaming kids more than any amount love.” Michael muttered, half-downing something called a ‘Magical Star’ he had gotten from one of the bars on sight. From the taste, he suspected it was rum. From the price, he suspected it was a ripoff. From the fun Disney-branded to-go cup it was in, he suspected it was going to sweat all over his hand soon. But, whatever it was, it was keeping Michael from strangling Gabriel on sight. It was Uriel’s suggestion. 

 

“Why don’t we go try some rides out? The map says there’s something called ‘The Enchanted Tiki Room’ which sounds like fun.” Uriel suggested something else. They were really trying to be the go-getter and get Michael out of his funk. He had begrudgingly agreed to come into the park and not just sit in the room looking over paperwork that he smuggled down in his bags. 

 

“Uriel, if you don’t mind, Sandalphon told me something about a screen that talks back to you? It involves a turtle somehow, i’m very curious to see what that’s all about.” Gabriel said, clasping his hands together.

 

“We can meet back at the hotel in about, eh, few hours, if that sounds alright with you?” Sandalphon asked. Uriel looked at the two beaming idiots and nodded, before the two of them took off.

 

“Looks like it’s you and me, Mike.” Uriel said. “How’s about we check at that tiki room?”

 

“Ohh.. Go on without me, Uri. I promise not to go mope in the room.” He didn’t want to drag them down when they clearly were very excited about the tiki room.

 

“Do try to enjoy yourself, for me.” Uriel put a hand on Michael’s arm and he swatted it away gently. “Go do something fun! Even in town, just, don’t worry about work.”

 

“I won’t, I won’t!” Michael said. “You have my word.” And with that Uriel waved goodbye and headed off in the opposite direction toward Adventureland. Michael then sighed before looking at the swarms of families. “God, give me strength.” And like that, he disappeared into the void of vacation.

 

———-

 

Aziraphale and Crowley had all the kids wandering Disney World looking at all the cool rides and attractions. Thanks to the magic of miracles, they got entry tickets for all of the parks. Pepper had said something about exploring the ‘Harry Potter’ sections and wanting to fight some bloke named Malloy. Aziraphale had missed reading the series, but whoever this Malloy was he must’ve done quite a lot of bad things if he was going to get on Pepper’s bad side. When they got there, though, Pepper let out a deep sigh and said she’d kick Malloy’s ass another day. Aziraphale had to give her a good lecture about swearing, though.

 

“We’ll stay here a few days, see all the amusement parks, maybe the beach?” Anathema said. 

 

“Sounds good, except Sea World.” Aziraphale said. “Dreadful place.”

 

“Fuck Sea World.” Crowley added. Yes indeed, fuck Sea World. Even Dagon would never show up there, she had enough decency to care about her fellow fish.

 

“Well, I think I’ll go get a soft pretzel and laugh in the hall of presidents?” Anathema said. “It’s fun, getting weird looks from people and just not caring.”

 

“You’ve done that before?” Crowley asked, licking a Mickey-shaped ice cream cone, looking somewhat surprised. 

 

“Yeah, Mom had to pull me out of there once because I kept making fun of Taft’s stupid mustache.” Anathema shrugged. Her outfit for the day consisted of jean shorts, a tank top that read “Witch Lyfe” and her hair in the loosest top knot possible. “Meet you guys in Epcot at lunch time?” 

 

“Sounds delightful. We can stop by the mexican pavilion, I hear they have great food.” Aziraphale nodded, looking over the map. “I’ll try and take the children to the Enchanted Tiki Room.” 

 

“Actually, I think i’ll join you, Anathema.” Newt said “If that’s alright.”

 

“Oh, right of course.” Anathema nodded. “C’mon before the lines get super long.” 

 

She headed off with a head start, the lanky nerd trailing behind her. Crowley shook his head.

 

“He’s still in denial, ain’t he?” Crowley said. “Gonna have to learn soon she’s gayer than the fourth of July.”

 

“It’s up to her to tell him, and us, dear.” Aziraphale said. “You know it’s best not to assume.”

 

“Angel, I love you, I do, but you’re the blindest person possible when it comes to love. Hell, I was in love with you for forever and you never noticed.” Crowley and Aziraphale followed after the youngest kids who had cornered a Donald Duck in attempts to get an autograph. 

 

“I knew, I just always thought it was a love among men. Metaphorical brothers in, well, opposite arms.” Aziraphale said to his demon love.

 

“Yeah I definitely wanted to be in your arms.” Crowley commented. This made Aziraphale turn a bright shade of pink and Crowley followed suit. Even after all this, they still were so shy with flirting. It was a tender moment. For them, at least, the poor worker in the Donald Duck suit just wanted the four kids to stop asking had he killed anyone in war. Anathema shouldn’t of let them look up World War political cartoons but she thought the history behind them was fascinating. Agnes Nutter had actually- 

 

No, no more mention Agnes Nutter. Even though she wasn’t beside them, Anathema would get a witchy tingle whenever someone talked about she-who-shall-not-be-named. And quite frankly, it was annoying her. So she stopped referring to her, as did the rest of the family. Someone else had made them and  _ some  _ witch had decided to guess they were to happen. No mention of her? No headache caused by Anathema.

 

Now where was she?

 

————

 

Anathema ripper big chunk off an overly priced Mouse-shaped salty pretzel and dipped it in nacho cheese poured from a can as she walked another two blocks of space to her next experience. That was the real biggest amusement park experience she could have at age 23 and dragging along a nervous little weirdo like Newt.

 

“Anathema I was hoping we could talk about-“ Newt started, before thoroughly losing Anathema’s attention when she caught sight of a lineup of royal Disney ladies looking really, really pretty. The lesbian sensor in her mind went off and she had a great idea.

 

“Hold that thought, Newt! Look! Character ops! Take my picture with the princesses!” She walked with haste to the women and asked for a picture, to which they all agreed. “Newt, hold my pretzel please.” She passed off her goods to Newton who watched like a cuck as the woman he pined for was busy taking selfies with fabulously pretty women, costumes or not. She even took one with Mulan where the actress was flexing and Anathema would stare in awe. Only part of the face she pulled was acting. Mulan was ripped.

 

After Anathema waved goodbye to the princesses she turned back to Newt and took back pretzel. 

 

“Thank you, now what were you saying?” Anathema asked, starting to walk and Newt followed suit.

 

“Well, you see, it’s about- well.. This thing happened in New York that I’ve been meaning to tell you about.” Newt said, dancing around the subject. How was he to tell her angels had been following them? In reality, that wasn’t the case, and he had just been paranoid up until that very day. But Newt didn’t know that.

 

“Yeah what?” Anathema asked. The way she stared at him in confusion pierced a hole through Newt. He was going to ruin her whole vacation. Her self discovery. Had she even found anything yet? Anathema was going to fall into a deep, depressive spiral about having no identity and it would be all Newt’s fault because he had to just come out and mention the vacationing angels who may or may not be tracking them.

 

“I.. made a friend.” Newt nodded. “It was a pigeon.” Curse his panic.

 

“A pigeon?” Anathema questioned. “Like.. the bird?”

 

“Yes, a pigeon.” Newt said. 

 

“That’s.. Nice, Newt.” Anathema said, clearly trying to change the conversation. “Cmon, let's.. go on splash mountain.”

 

“Good idea.” Newt agreed.

 

Maybe another day, Newt.

 

————

 

Uriel walked into the waiting room right outside the Enchanted Tiki Room, why they were so excited about it, they themselves weren’t sure. Perhaps it was the name, ‘Enchanted Tiki Room’, that struck them. What was a tiki? What made it enchanted? The map mentioned something about talking birds, God herself never made other creatures beside humans talk, right? Or did she put birds into the mix when Uriel wasn’t looking? It’s not like they went to Earth very often, certainly not long enough to have a conversation with a bird. 

 

What Uriel didn’t notice, as they were too busy absorbing the sights of the room they were in, was a gaggle of children, an angel, and a demon. 

 

The Them were waiting in place, playing ninja with each other. Ninja was one of those games kids who had to line up after recess made up because their fragile child minds couldn’t handle standing completely still for more than 15 seconds. The rules were simple, you have to try to hit the other person or persons’ body parts faster than they can hit yours, and if they do hit it, you cannot use that body part. Whoever stands with the most usable appendages at the end won. It seemed like a game of skill, really. 

 

Aziraphale and Crowley watched them, semi-baffled at what human children will do to keep themselves entertained even though they’re about to enter a room  _ of  _ entertainment. 

 

“Kids, before one of you ends up with a slap scar from repeated affliction, you might want to turn your eyes forward they’re opening the doors.” Crowley said, pointing toward the entrance to the show room.

 

“If the slap-areas still hurt afterward we’ll take you back to the emergency area.” Aziraphale assured the kids. “Do be careful when you roughhouse.

 

“Oh they’ll be fine, Angel. Kids roughhouse, well, roughly. ‘s in the name.” Crowley said, putting an arm around his lover’s waist. “Let’s go get a good seat.”

 

All of them went through the doors and found their way to an empty row, no more than three rows away from Uriel had happened to sit at. Had Uriel turned their head to the right, they would see a very familiar group of people that wouldn’t of been very thrilled, yet incredibly surprised, to see them there. 

 

The lights dimmed, shining only on many robotic parrots who were babbling with one another. Uriel’s eyes glistened with as much shine as the specks of gold in their very being. Never before had they seen something so fascinating. They had no idea humans could make something so strange, yet so charming. The parrots would sing and two funny sounding birds would come out and bicker, but in the same way Uriel imagined a married couple would bicker. Least, that’s how the saying went. Uriel never met someone who was married before, unless you counted Mary herself. 

 

As soon as the robot of Iago began to sing, Crowley winced in his chair. He turned to look at Aziraphale, who was having a nice time, despite the ear-screeching singing coming from the pompous ‘owner’ of the tiki room.

 

“I regret sending Godfrey that application every time I watch the damn movie.” Crowley muttered. “And now the best song is co-opted by the rat with wings?” 

 

After the last horrific note, Iago was told to not mess with the show, unless he wants to upset the tiki gods. Uriel cocked an eyebrow. Blasphemy, here? 

 

An abrupt lightning strike “hit” the stage, making Uriel jump. However, after a few seconds, they realized it wasn’t an angry God, but effects done by the imagineers. A giant robotic tiki goddess named Uh-Oa also appeared, starting to give the bitchy bird a taste of his own medicine. Uriel didn’t like the taste that it left in their mouth, but Aziraphale was more concerned with the scale of the animatronic.

 

“Good heavens..” Aziraphale muttered to Crowley. “They really go all out, don’t they?”

 

“Got to. It’s an old ride, keep it fresh.” Crowley nodded.

 

“The ‘tiki gods’ seem to differ.”

 

“Is that Armelia McQueen?” Crowley asked, recognizing the voice.

 

“Oh I think so! Loved her performance in ‘Ghost’.” Aziraphale said.

 

“Same, same. Nice set of pipes.”

 

Adam watched the performance go on, semi disappointed. He had wanted real birds to talk for the show. They could’ve trained some, afterall. While he was just a child and didn’t quite understand the logistics behind a show like this, he was impressed by the Uh-Ora’s set up. It was so realistic, or so he imagined. The only thing close to a ‘God’ he ever met was his demonic father, and he was much larger than this. But, they needed it to fit in the building, so Adam could excuse that. But the birds? He really wanted birds.

 

The universe must’ve heard Adam, or he let his powers slip from under him, because just as he thought about that, a flock of birds flew out of the mouth of the singing tikis on the walls, singing their own song with words and all. The imagineers looked confused and shocked. That definitely wasn’t supposed to happen. The guests seemed to love it though, aweing at the beautiful birds and stellar vocals. 

 

“That’s brilliant!” Pepper exclaimed.

 

“They got ‘em to sing!” Brian said. “The coolest show i’ve ever been to!”

 

“Uh oh.” Adam muttered. It wasn’t part of the show at all. That was him.

 

While the imagineers tried to catch the birds, the animatronics called for the audience to rise and leave with their final song. Birds started to fly out of the room into the dark waiting room and finally to the outside. 

 

The Them chased after the birds and their godfathers chased after them. Uriel simply walked out, not able to see them as they rushed by. The children stopped outside and laughed, Adam doing his best to silently wish the singing birds out of existence.

 

“Don’t run off like that, you four!” Aziraphale scolded “You know to stay by our side the whole-“

 

“Aziraphale?”

 

Aziraphale turned from his children and husband to face a surprised Uriel, who dropped their popcorn bucket on the ground, only for a few stray birds to feast upon it. 

 

“-time..” Aziraphale finished his thought. 

 

This was going to be a long day.

 

————

 

Archangel Michael had been sitting on a park bench for little over an hour, headphones in, watching Dirty Dancing on his phone using God’s wireless plan. Why Dirty Dancing, you might ask? 

 

Well, a few years back he had came down to perform a minor miracle for an upcoming saint who had been dying in the hospital, and the movie was on the room’s tv. He had to wait on Death for some time to get there before he could take the soul, traffic and all that, so Michael had sat down to watch the thing. It was the first movie Michael had ever seen and suffice to say, he enjoyed it. He wouldn’t admit that out loud, though. Dirty Dancing was almost an act against heaven. Angels are supposed to be pure and holy, and they most certainly didn’t dance. So it was almost treason to mention such a movie, if you thought of it in an extreme sense. But, nonetheless, Michael had it bookmarked and watched it every so often.

 

When it got to the ballroom dancing scene, Michael always inspected the way the dancers moved with speed and vigor. Another thing he couldn’t admit was that he  _ did  _ think dancing looked fun. He never could try it himself, though. Obviously no one would be his partner for something so, well, dirty. He tried asking Uriel once or twice if they’d join him, but chickened out at the last minute because clearly they wouldn’t agree, right? Right? 

 

He paused the movie and got up to stretch and perhaps refill the alcohol he had needed to keep sane the whole day. 

 

As Michael walked to the closest bar he saw a makeshift stage set up with a sign that said “Dance Contest!” on it in bright colors and a fun font. Winner gets a free dinner at the  _ ‘Cinderella’s Royal Table _ ’ restaurant for the next day’s night. While Michael didn’t necessarily care to win a free dinner, he did find this to be at least something to keep himself busy for the next hour or two. Bonus, he could try out dancing. The contest was about to start too! It was like a match made in, well, you know. Now, he just needed a human partner.

 

Anathema had lost Newt in the heavy sea that was Disney Parks. She knew that if Newt needed anything he could text her, and to be honest, she needed some alone time. No offense to Newt, really, but she wanted to be alone for some time. He was still trying to puppy dog cling to her which was just  _ not  _ what this vacation was about. No, this was about taking risks, finding herself, being someone who can just jump into life.

 

She caught sight of the dance stage and a bell went off inside her. Go to it. And so, she did. When she got to the stage she saw the contest sign, and thought about it. Why not? Take a risk, Anathema. She knew how to dance, afterall. Now, all she needed was a partner.

 

“Excuse me.”

 

Anathema turned to see a gorgeous woman, curly auburn hair tied back with a loose ponytail. Michael normally wore his hair up and tied as tight as a knot, but it was bloody hot in Florida. 

 

“I saw you looking at the sign, are you thinking of entering? I’m in need of a partner.” Michael asked, extending his dainty hand. “My name’s Michael.” Anathema shook his hand.

 

“Anathema Device, it’s a pleasure. Actually, I was thinking of entering. What do you dance?” Anathema asked.

 

“Really only ballroom. Are you experienced in it?” Michael wasn’t lying persay, as he did know about ballroom dancing, he just had never done it himself. 

 

“I watched Dirty Dancing once as a teen.” Anathema said, unsure of how far that would get her.

 

“Perfect. We’re partners.” Michael smiled nicely at the girl who’s eyes lit up.

 

While they were being gay, Newt had been looking for Anathema. He had to just, tell her, stop worrying and tell her! It was for her safety! For all their safety! Curse his stupid phone for not working, because what else could go wrong?

 

Apparently, a lot.

 

He found his way to the dance competition. It was a little crowded but he was able to spot Anathema talking to a lady with red hair. Perfect! He can tell her now.

 

“Anathema!” He called out to get her attention. She turned to see him run up to her and Michael.

 

“Oh, Newt, hi.” Anathema said.

 

“Anathema I need to tell you something actually-“

 

“And now, we have our next contestants, Michael and Anathema!” The announcer called out from the speakers. Anathema turned to Michael and took her hands.

 

“Let’s go.” She said. Michael nodded.

 

“Right, let’s.” Michael may have only said a couple of words, but the tone sent chills down Newt’s spine. No.. It  _ couldn’t _ be. It can’t be. 

 

“Give us a minute Newt, would you?” Anathema turned from him and went up the stage with Michael. 

 

Newt watched in horror as Anathema and Michael introduced themselves to the crowd, before the sounds of  _ ‘Time of My Life’  _ started to play. 

 

Michael put his arms loosely around Anathema’s waist as she took hold of his hand and upper arm. Without warning, Michael dipped her. Anathema came back up, only to meet his eyes so closely. They were so sparkly. Crystal blue pools, clearer than the ocean. There was even little specks of gold in them that when looking at them made Anathema feel light as a feather. 

 

She caressed his face and hair, feeling every inch of his divineness. To Anathema, it was just womanly charm. They stood there together, staring intently like they were an ancient statue of two lovers, coiled together. Until Michael took her hand and spun her off, then the real dancing started.

 

One, two, step. One, two, step, twirl. Move those hips, show off for the audience. Match each other's moves flawlessly, and never take your eyes off the other. They moved so fluidly across the stage, keeping pace with the song. One, two, step. One, two, step. Move those hips, pull her close. Hook her waist, twirl around. Stare into her shiny hazel eyes, but don’t get distracted by her lovely smile or her cute, messy hair. Had archangels been less than wholly divine, Michael’d say that he was bewitched.

 

What he didn’t know was Anathema herself was a witch.

 

It was time for the big finish, Michael had watched this specific part of the movie over and over. He knew what he had to do. Had it been a week and a half earlier, he would say it was stupid thing to suggest an archangel to do. But, that was then, this was now.

 

Michael jumped from the stage, sticking the landing thanks to a little silent prayer. He kept dancing, turning to Anathema whose smile was wide and in awe. He nodded to her, signaling that she knew what she had to do. 

 

Anathema followed her gut, and jumped.

 

Michael caught her, somewhat surprised this worked. The two of them held the pose as the crowd went  _ wild _ . It was a no brainer who won. And what of Newt?

 

Newt was petrified. 

 

The two went up on stage to give a bow before running off, laughing together.

 

“Can you believe we accomplished that!” Michael exclaimed. “It was so- Invigorating!” 

 

“I know! You’re a fantastic dancer!” Anathema laughed. 

 

“Congratulations you two!” The announcer walked up and handed the two of them each a voucher. “You really stole the show up there.”

 

“Thank you. It was all him.” Anathema said, pointing at Michael.

 

“Oh please, you were stunning.” Michael answered. 

 

The two of them were so busy complimenting/flirting with each other they didn’t see Newt run up and grabbed Anathema’s hand. 

 

“Ana, you need to stay away from him!” Newt said. “He’s- He’s- An angel!”

 

“Newt, I don't know what you’re blathering about but let go!” Anathema said, yanking away from him.

 

“I heard him! Back in New York! He’s one of Heaven’s lot!” Newt said. “Bet they’re here to take out Aziraphale and Crowley!”

 

“Newt, you sound crazy.”

 

“No, he’s right. Well, half right.” Michael admitted. “I didn’t know you were part of the traitors group. Allow me to introduce myself properly. I’m Archangel Michael, and i’m here on vacation. Not looking for trouble with the angel-slash-former principality Aziraphale.” 

 

“Oh. Oh. Oh this is.. bad.” Anathema said.

 

“Ana.”

 

“Yes Newt?”

 

“You’re still holding his hand.”

 

—————-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael is a He/him lesbian because i said so.


	7. Peculiar and ‘Please..’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anathema knows he’s a bad choice, but Michael’s the choice she wants to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR COMMENTS

Humans were able to claim a lot of things as their own invention. They created things like singing parrot animatronics, mocha lattes, and strange movies about a man who just wanted to make cartoons. Humans also created the concept of being a ‘deer in the headlights’, where when you are so shocked about something you literally don’t react properly. A good example of this would be how Anathema, being bright young witch she was, had not let go of the soft, delicate, very moisturized hand of Archangel Michael. 

 

You know, one of her godfather’s ex-bosses? The bosses they  _ all  _ disobeyed and caused Armageddon to be canceled? The war that was meant to  _ end everything.  _ Yeah, that boss.

 

Anathema had been making googly eyes at him up till about five minutes ago, and had Newt not said anything, would still be doing so.

 

“Ana!” Newt snapped his fingers in front of her face, bringing her back to reality.

 

“What?” She asked. Newt pointed with both hands.

 

“You’re  _ still  _ holding his hand! Let go already!” He said. Anathema begrudgingly complied, moving her hand away from Michael.

 

“Look, I shouldn’t trust you.” Anathema started. 

 

“And we don’t!” Newt added, trying to hype her up and failing miserably. All it did was get him glares from Anathema.

 

“Newt, I got this.” She said. “Like I said, I shouldn’t trust you. But..”

 

“But?” Both Michael and Newt asked.

 

“But you know I was really.. feeling the vibe and all with our dance. Plus we got these dinner vouchers, maybe you and I could maybe..?” Anathema was dancing around the idea, but Newt could tell what she was saying. It was almost the same speech he had been giving her for weeks!

 

“Anathema, you’re trying to hook up with an angel are you actually shitting me?” Newt blinked in utter disbelief. “I cannot- Anathema!”

 

As she and Newt were bickering, one trying to make Michael leave and the other trying to make him stay, a group of two godfathers, four kids, and one duck-wearing archangel walked up to them.

 

“Hey, Mike. So, uh, I guess you may need a little more catching up to speed about-” Uriel said, pointing with their thumb toward the not-so-little blended family. “Ya know.”

 

“Yes, that seems best.” Michael said.

 

“Michael’s here too! And wearing Mickey Mouse ears!” Crowley said in shock and amusement. “Now I’ve really seen it all.” 

 

“Oh dear.” Aziraphale tried to hold in a laugh by putting his hand to his mouth. This was the angel that had banished Satan to Hell all by himself. Archangel Michael, perhaps the most powerful Archangel, and he was wearing a seven dollar pair of Mickey Mouse ears. “Perhaps we should discuss this over a meal. I’m sure the children are peckish.” That was code for ‘ _ I’m peckish _ ’

 

“Great idea, Angel. They can pay.” Crowley said. “By the way, Pepper likes tater tots. She’s very particular about it.”

 

“I am.” Pepper nodded in agreement.

 

The group all sat down together at a food stand with a respective meal. Tensions were high. No, scratch that. Tensions were  _ sky- _ high. The only sound being heard was Wensleydale who bit a corndog rather loudly.

 

“So.. Uriel tells us you’re all on vacation?” Aziraphale broke the silence. “How has that been?”

 

“So much for ‘going native’.” Crowley muttered as he took a slurp of his drink.

 

“Well, up until an hour ago, it was pretty dreadful.” Michael said, leaning onto his hand, his eyes reading all of Anathema’s movements. She was eyeing him too, in a similarly flirty way. “But.. I found something enjoyable.

  
  


“Might I ask what you were doing with our godchildren?” Aziraphale blinked, clearly able to see what was going on but couldn’t even process it because there was no  _ bloody  _ way-

 

“They were dancing together and now they’re  _ flirting _ together.” Newt added before taking a big drink of water. This made Crowley choke on his soda.

 

“Flirting!? You can’t be serious. You cannot. I literally will not believe it.” Crowley exclaimed.

 

“They’re literally having eye- You know. Can't say it with kids around.” Newt said, feeling the eyes of the Them turn to him, super curious of what he was talking about. Crowley, Aziraphale, and Uriel were all thoroughly and varyingly shocked, semi-disgusted, and confused.

 

“Anathema!” Crowley groaned. He stood from his chair and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “That’s gross! That’s so, so gross! I’m revolted! You can have better standards than  _ that _ ! He walked around to Anathema and violently gestured to Michael. “He’s like, six thousand years your senior! And it’s  _ Michael!” _

 

“I’m 23 and he’s an  _ angel _ ! Does that matter?” Anathema’s face turned bright red at how embarrassing Crowley was.

 

“Michael, she’s a  _ human _ .” Uriel whispered to their best friend. “I didn’t know you were into that!”

 

“Uriel, relax.” Michael said. “We were just dancing. You act as though we were making lov-“

 

“There are children here and I don’t have enough hands to cover all their ears!” Aziraphale shrieked, cupping the closest child’s head. It happened to be Adam.

 

“ _ Just _ dancing?” Uriel repeated. “Michael, were  _ angels. _ We don’t dance. We never have. The only one who has was that one,” They pointed to Aziraphale. “With the gayvolt or whatever it was called.”

 

“It’s called the gavotte, thank you.” Aziraphale huffed, correcting them with all the drive of a sassed parent.

 

“And so what if I think he’s cute?” Anathema and Crowley were now having a mini shouting match for the public to see like a real family. “Have you  _ seen  _ the sparkle in his eyes? Besides, I'm an adult, Crowley! I handled Armageddon!”

 

“Yeah, well so did the kids and they’re children! Besides, I’ve seen this bastard do a lot of harm and you shouldn’t be anywhere near it. What if he decided to drop you one day. Literally! From the sky!”

 

“I should have the choice to do that! Besides Heaven may be a bunch of bastards but he never did try to hurt you!” 

 

“Think again, brightest witch of your age, that one with the shitty ponytail right there delivered the holy water used to try and kill me!” Crowley admitted.

 

Anathema went quiet. Aziraphale looked over to his husband, as did his children, and Crowley realized he made a big mistake letting his tongue slip.

 

“They tried to kill you?” Anathema questioned. “When did this happen?” She put her hands on her waist.

 

“Crowley, it’s best we tell them.” Aziraphale said.

 

“Well, if we're being completely honest, I already told Adam like three nights ago. Long story for the room.” Aziraphale was super, super surprised by that, dropping his fries from his hand as they were halfway to his mouth.

 

“Uh, not to ruin your guys’ little.. thing, going on.” Uriel butted in. “But we gotta catch Gabriel and Sandalphon at the hotel in 20. So..”

  
  


“Oh wonderful, those bastards are here too.” Crowley said sarcastically. 

 

“Hold on a moment, Uriel.” Michael said, turning back to Anathema and standing up. “All of this is a lot for you, I assume. But, if it’s any consolation, I had a great time dancing with you and I would gladly do it again if the occasion ever arose.” He took her hand gently and planted a soft kiss on it. Anathema would have fainted had her entire family plus Michael’s angel co-worker not been staring with disgust directly at them.

 

“I- I- Bye.” Anathema waved, her mind fried with gay thoughts as Michael and Uriel walked away from their spot, Uriel slapping Michael’s arm and calling him akin to ‘slut’ as they got out of ear shot.

 

“Oh I’m going to vomit.” Crowley wretched.

 

“Me too. That was-“ Newt shook his head. 

 

“Revolting?” Crowley answered.

 

“Quite.” Newt nodded.

 

“Ok!” Anathema said. “I get it! This doesn’t change the subject!” Aziraphale sighed.

 

“Ok, here’s the whole truth.”

 

Aziraphale and Crowley told them everything. About swapping faces, about avoiding death. About their little “arrangement” with heaven and hell. Had it not been for Agnes Nutter, they would’ve been dead.

 

“And that’s the whole truth.” Aziraphale said. “We’re sorry we kept this from you, truly. We just..”

 

“Didn’t want to worry you lot.” Crowley finished. “Armageddon was already hell and a half for us all.” 

 

“But.. everything’s ok now? Right?” Pepper asked. “They’re not gonna try to hurt you again?”

 

“Well, we hope not.” Aziraphale said “They hadn’t interacted with us at all since then.”

 

“And we would’ve known if they were spying. They’re not very discreet.” Crowley added. “Besides. Hell’s running from us now too, since they found out ‘bout us also being on vacation. S’pose those bastards will do the same.”

 

“Heaven and Hell, on the run from a family on vacation.” Adam laughed. “That’s a movie I’d pay to see.”

 

“Well, you’re livin’ it, kiddo.” Crowley said. “Might wanna enjoy the stardom.”

 

Anathema balled her fists up in her lap. So, the lady she had danced with, the lady who’s ocean blue eyes made her feel so safe and very, very light on her feet, the lady who was gorgeous and had a lovely smile and a divine laugh… He had not only attempted to murder Anathema’s godfathers, but also was ready to drop the Earth into neverending chaos and ruin all to battle against Hell in a overly-glorified turf war? That was several layers of fucked up. She knew that. She got that. She should stop thinking about how nicely his hand felt around her waist. About how his shiny red hair was so soft and yet she wouldn’t hesitate to tangle her fingers in it if she was given the option. Anathema, wake up dear, Anathema..

 

“Anathema!” Aziraphale snapped his fingers in front of her face, causing her to jump back. “Dear, are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine, i’m fine!” She said. “Just.. thinking.”

 

“About you know who?” Newt said. 

 

“Lay off, Pulsifer! I don’t need your sass.” Anathema shouted.

 

“You’re being ridiculous, you  _ know _ that!” Newt said

 

“I’m not- I’m not into him!” Anathema lied. She totally was. “I’m not even- I mean, maybe I am- The way women look makes me weak in the knees sometimes, but-“ 

 

“Ana, dear, do you need to admit something to us, or yourself?” Aziraphale was trying to push the subject gently. 

 

“Ok, I think I may be a lesbian but besides the point- Newton is trying to claim I wanna- I cant say these words with clear conscience in front of children please, can we discuss this in the family chat later?” Anathema asked, looking at the kids who all were sitting like they were watching a really good reality show.

 

“Yes we can.” Crowley said. “Cmon, we only got a couple days here. And I want to change the subject from involving you-know-who.”

 

“Voldemort?” Brian asked.

 

“No, not that, Brian.” Pepper said. “They’re talking about how Anathema wants to snog Michael.”

 

———————

 

The walk to the hotel room was filled with Uriel asking a lot of questions. Mostly about the pretty girl that Michael had a fancy for.

 

“So, a human huh?” Uriel asked. “Like, 100% person.”

 

“Yes, Uriel. What else would she be? An aardvark?” Michael rolled his eyes. “Honestly, we just danced.” 

 

“Michael, how long have we been friends?” Uriel said. “Longer than existence itself. And you’re trying to lie to me  _ now? _ ” 

 

“I’m not lying, Uri. Honestly.” Michael pushed in the door to the hotel. Uriel followed after him. “We danced ballroom, won a contest for some dinner voucher thing, shared a laugh.”

 

“And that hand kiss?” Uriel asked. “What was that about?”

 

“It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.” Michael retorted. “Least, that’s what mortals say.”

 

“Since when have you cared about what mortals say or do?”

 

“Since I was held hostage on a vacation by the will of the Almighty.” 

 

A ding from the elevator came, and the two angels stepped inside.

 

“Are you going to go to the dinner? When is it?” Uriel said. Michael pulled the voucher out of his pocket, it was a little crinkled but it was readable.

 

“Tomorrow at 10 pm. Table for two. Also, I’m not sure. Don’t you think after the whole ‘he tried to kill us’ stunt Crowley pulled-“ Michael put big air quotes around something he did, in fact, try to do. “She wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me?”

 

“You never know. She still seemed into you when you spoke sweet, sweet  _ amour  _ to her. Mr. ‘I would be glad to dance with you again then ravage you afterwards’.” Uriel really played up the effect of what happened, sultry rubbing down Michael’s arm and practically moaning the words that came out of their mouth. They then stood back to attention. “That’s you, that’s what you sound like.” 

 

“You’re ridiculous. I’m an angel, Uriel. We don’t ravage.” The doors to the elevator opened, and Michael stepped through, before turning back to look at his best friend. The coy-est smile on his face. “We make love.” Before walking forward. 

 

Uriel’s mouth went as wide as their eyes as they ran after Michael, who never missed a step. 

 

“You  _ do  _ like her!” Uriel exclaimed.

 

“ _ No,  _ was I too obvious?” Michael snacked their arm playfully. “Obviously, I do. Did you see her? Stunning.”

 

“All I saw the whole time was a human giving us a death glare and a surprising number of children for those two buffoons to handle.” Uriel said.

 

“Well, the girl was lovely. Even her name. Anathema Device. Rolls right off the tongue, smooth as silk.” Michael opened the door to their hotel room. “But, again, after what happened, not sure she’d wanna see me again.” 

 

“Who wouldn’t wanna see you again?” Sandalphon asked, turning to look at the two angels coming in the room. He and Gabriel had been sitting on the bed, cross-legged, watching a  _ Tom and Jerry _ movie that had come on Cartoon Network. Right now, they were going into space. Imagine? A cat and mouse in  _ space! _ How ridiculous!

 

“Michael has the hots for a girl he met and won’t go meet her tomorrow night.” Uriel said, prompting surprised looks from Sandalphon and Gabriel, who snapped to attention.

 

“The hots? Like.. like attraction? To a human woman?” Sandalphon blinked. He got it, but he was a little lost. “This is the same Michael we’re talking about, right?”

 

“One and only.” Michael bowed with sarcasm. “Uriel is making this bigger than it is. Me and this girl danced, we won a dinner date, things happened, and I don’t know if I should go.” He didn’t specify exactly  _ what  _ things happened. If he did he would be sure Gabriel’s hair would turn as white as the lord’s light.

 

“He wants to get down and dirty with-“

 

“Uriel! Enough!” Michael sighed. “She was a lovely girl, really. And perhaps I wouldn’t  _ mind  _ knowing her as God intended.” 

 

“Oh, Michael. I never thought this day would come. You, making real connections, having  _ fun _ on vacation!” Gabriel clasped his hands together and let out a relieved sigh. “I think you should go for it. Try to win her heart. Afterall, you can offer her nothing but heavenly love. It would put her so much closer to salvation.” What Gabriel didn’t realize was the things Michael could and semi-wanted to do were much less than holy. 

 

“You’re really giving me the ok to go court a human? You? Archangel “humanity is nothing to the divine” Gabriel is telling me to go get a girlfriend?” Michael crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow.

 

“Yes! We’re on vacation and from all my studies 90% of humans have a thing they like to call a ‘summer fling’ where they court another human during the summer months.” Gabriel said “The heat’s supposed to act as an aphrodisiac of sorts.”

 

“You won’t be happy to find out who she is.” Michael shook his head, walking in the room, over to the coffee pot. He waved his finger and miracled himself a fresh pot.

 

“I’m sure I can handle it, Michael. No human has ever given me personal grief before.” Gabriel said.

 

“Yeah well, this girl is Aziraphale and his demon’s ‘goddaughter’ apparently. Fought in Armageddon too, from the sounds of it.” Michael took a sip of his black coffee as Gabriel and Sandalphon fell off the bed in shock.

 

“Why didn’t you lead with that!? What are those traitors doing here? This is the happiest place on Earth! Demons aren’t happy! They’re evil!” Gabriel exclaimed. 

 

“On family vacation. Them, some squirrely looking mortal man, the Antichrist and his little lot, and Anathema.” Michael sighed in a way that someone would almost call dreamy. “She was the picture of beauty. So light on her feet too.”

 

“That’s why you should go! Go see where it goes! Maybe you still have a shot!” Uriel said. 

 

“She must be really something if you’re still interested after learning that little fact about her.” Sandalphon mused. 

 

“Exactly! So go. Have fun!” Uriel said, taking Michael’s hand. “God wanted you to have fun, afterall. She has us on vacation, for heaven’s sake! Maybe it’s a sign.”

 

“Oh.. Maybe you’re right.” Michael said, shrugging back his shoulders. “God wouldn’t have us run into one another without reason. That’s just not like her. Perhaps it’s fate.”

 

“Perhaps you’re being hasty, Michael.” Gabriel stood up from his position on the floor. “Let’s not get carried away.”

 

“You just told me to go after her, Gabriel. So I will.” Michael said. “Uriel, let’s go. I need a new suit for the night.” 

 

“Oh! This’ll be fun!” Uriel took him by the hand and the two left. 

 

“Oh, this’ll be bad.” Gabriel thought to himself.

 

—————

 

It was already the next night when Anathema tried to sneak out of the hotel room. One flick of the lamp and she knew she had been caught, but when she turned and saw Aziraphale sitting in a chair, looking at her, waving. It not being Crowley is what surprised her most.

 

“Hello, my dear.” Aziraphale said, standing up. “Where do you think you’re going at this hour?”

 

“It’s 10:00 pm. I’m just going to go for a walk.” Anathema tried to lie.

 

“With your purse?” Aziraphale motioned to her bag. “In a fancy dress?” He then motioned to her outfit. A black dress with minimal gold shimmer on the straps. Classy, yet simple. “Anathema-“

 

“Aziraphale before you say anything, please let me explain.” She held her hands together tight and begged. “I know I shouldn’t like him. I  _ know.  _ But.. I do. I really do. And I’m not trying to hurt you or Crowley or the kids. Not even Newt. But I can’t shake this feeling that I should go meet him for dinner.”

 

“Anathema.. You don’t know what getting tangled up with an angel like Michael would entail. We’re not like humans, not by a long shot.” Aziraphale said. “And I've known Michael for a very long time. This is.. a very peculiar situation.”

 

“Maybe.. Maybe it’s fate? I don’t know.” She said. “Aziraphale, haven't you ever felt like.. like there was a person who you should risk everything for? Like it didn’t matter if the two of you seemed like opposites, you wanted to try anyway. To just jump and hope to fall into something, but you had to jump first?”

 

Aziraphale let out a soft sigh, turning to where a sleeping Crowley lay, his messy red hair sprawled across the pillow, his face almost calm. Aziraphale let a small, gentle smile creep onto his face.

 

“Yes..” He said.

 

“That’s how I feel. Really, truly. I feel like I need to go see him.” Anathema clenched her fist and held it against her chest with her other hand. “I’m sorry if you’re mad at me. But you can’t stop me from going.”

 

“Oh.. Ana.” Aziraphale shook his head. “I won’t stop you.” He took her hands and held them comfortingly in his. “I just want you to be happy. And I know that’s what Crowley would want too, despite how he feels about Michael. You’re our Anathema. We care about you and are proud of you.” Anathema sniffled, her eyes welled up with tears. 

 

“I know you do.” Anathema muttered softly, letting the tears fall gently as Aziraphale gave her a kiss on the forehead.

 

“No need to cry, dear.” Aziraphale shushed, petting her hair. “I just beg of you to be careful. And if Michael doesn’t treat you the way you deserve then send him our way. We’ll make sure he doesn’t make the same mistake twice.”

 

“Uncle-“ Anathema chuckled. “I’ll be ok.” 

 

“I know you will be. You’re a strong, courageous young woman. And nothing will ever change that.” It felt nice to be told that by someone who didn’t give a rat’s ass about your heritage. Made you feel more like your own person. “You know.. I know what I said earlier, about not overdoing miracles while we’re on the trip. But, I suppose I can squeeze in one more.”

 

“What’re you talking about?” Anathema asked as she wiped her eyes.

 

With a flick of his finger, Anathema’s dress transformed into a slightly longer, much shinier dress. It had real gold specs in it along her waist, curled together like it was giving her a hug. She had a set of matching earrings and necklace to boot. Her makeup had even been done up a bit. Angels really did love gold. He placed a mirror so she could see and Anathema’s eyes grew wide. 

 

“I look.. Wow.” She said, admiring everything bit of her makeover. “I guess this is how Cinderella felt. Thank you.”

 

“I'm glad you like it. Now you run along. I love you, dear.” Aziraphale said. Anathema smiled at him gently.

 

“I love you too, Uncle.” She left the room and Aziraphale went to lay back down with Crowley.

 

Crowley shifted slightly as he felt Aziraphale climb back into bed. Aziraphale planted a soft kiss on his cheek fixed the blankets over him. Crowley grumbled in his sleep, trying to form a question along the lines of ‘Everything alright?’ 

 

“Everything’s fine, love. You rest.” Aziraphale said as he shut off the last light.


	8. Periwinkle and Perjury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anathema and Michael have a wonderful evening together.

__The clock struck 10 pm as Anathema walked into Cinderella’s Dinner Table. It was one of the most exclusive restaurants in all of the parks, and definitely one to dress up to. She looked around for any sign of Michael.

 

Was he here? Was she too early? Did he even decide to come? This was a bad idea wasn’t it? Now she looked like an absolute foo-

 

“There you are.” 

 

Anathema turned to see Michael in a nice black suit, and a bouquet of silver flowers in hand. The light of the room glistened off the petals gently like a bundle of stars. When he caught a glimpse of her face, it was like looking at the beauty of the almighty herself. His eyes went wide.

 

“You look stunning.” Michael awed. He walked over to her and kissed her hand. “So sorry if I kept you waiting, Uriel was helping me pick what to wear.”

 

“I-It’s fine, no problem.” Anathema said. 

 

“I got these for you. Crafted from the finest stars.” Michael handed the silver flowers to her. “An old friend of mine helped me pick them out.”

 

“Oh, Michael.. They’re divine- Uh, lovely.” Anathema realized her wording there could be a little too on the nose. “They’re really lovely.” Michael chuckled.

 

“You don’t have to worry about what you say, Anathema. I don’t mind mention of divinity, within reason of course.” Michael said as the hostess walked up to them.

 

“Reservation name?” She asked.

 

“Oh, we were the winners of the dance competition from yesterday?” Anathema and Michael flashed the girl their vouchers.

 

“Yes of course, we have your table set for you. Please, follow me.” 

 

The hostess led them to a table secluded on an open balcony with a lovely view of the night sky and the parks below. They were given menus and seated. Anathema’s eyes went wide, peering over the rail beside their table down at the park.

 

“Wow, look at how pretty everything is. The place really sparkles at night.” She said. 

 

“It sure does.” Michael agreed, however his eyes never turned to the park. His eyes remained planted on Anathema. “So, I know we didn’t really get off on the left foot yesterday.”

 

“You mean get off on the right foot. That’s the saying.” Anathema said, turning back. “And, well, for right now let’s pretend yesterday’s little.. luncheon didn’t happen. Start on a fresh page.” 

 

“That sounds lovely. You must excuse me, I haven’t quite gotten all human sayings down yet.” Michael said. “Is ‘lit’ the correct term for when something is burning or is that something else? I heard a lot of children saying it today but I haven’t seen anything on fire.” Anathema chuckled. Oh that was cute.

 

“Well, yes, but it’s also slang. It means something’s cool.” She said. “Hey, why don’t we like, tell each other some things about ourselves, just to break the ice?” The ice had been broken the moment Michael had snatched Anathema by the waist and pulled her so close that if this had been a public school dance, a chaperone would have to yell “make room for Jesus!” at them from across the dance floor, but you know. Conversation works too.

 

“Alright. I suppose I'll start.” Michael started. “I have never eaten mortal food.”

 

“Really?” Anathema asked. “Never? Not even a nibble?”

 

“You see we angels don’t need to eat-“ He started to explain, before Anathema nodded.

 

“No, I understand that. Crowley and Aziraphale have told me about it. But you’ve never wanted to try any?” She said. Michael shrugged in response.

 

“Not that, no. I will admit some food _looks_ delectable. Alcohol is rather nice. Not sure if that really counts as food but, I just never took the time to try it.” 

 

“Oh, I see. You would like food. It’s.. well, nice. But it has so many different flavors options, depending on what you get.” Anathema said, pointing at the menu. “Like the shrimp. Shrimp are tiny but full of delectable flavor. They pan-sear it here, so it should have a good amount of oil, maybe some garlic, even lemon. It’s a whole experience.”

 

“You know a lot about cooking?” Michael asked.

 

“My mother got a degree in culinary during college. She taught me everything she knew.” 

 

Anathema didn’t talk much about her family outside of Agnes, ironically. Perhaps it’s due to a little bit of jealousy. Anathema’s entire family had been born, grew up, and lived full lives without worrying about saving the world from the inevitable apocalypse. They only had to translate some of Anges’s work, then leave the heavy lifting for Anathema. ‘No pressure, dear, you go save the world with some squirrel of a man while I have the time to learn how to make fucking hollandaise sauce professionally.’ If you were in her shoes, however, you might see how one could hold a grudge.

 

“So you’re a chef by-proxy. What other secret talents do you have?” Michael asked, leaning slightly on the table with his elbows. For how prim and proper Aziraphale made other angels sound, old fashion table manners didn’t seem like it was on the itinerary. Not that Anathema minded, she just noticed it.

 

“Well.. I don’t know if it was obvious from my shirt yesterday but I’m a witch.” Anathema said. “Old family trade.”

 

“Respectable. You know, God once said that the witches were some of her favorite mortals?” Michael said. “She gifted them some of her own divine essence. I assume that means you can read auras.”

 

“I can.”

 

“What do you make of mine?” Michael asked. Anathema focused her eyes on him, carefully observing every bit around him. A light shade of purple engulfed the angel. Anathema knew a lot about aura colors and their specific meaning. 

 

“It’s.. Somewhere between lavender and periwinkle..” She did a lot of color theory in high school too, so she could pick out most color shades. “I believe it means you’re daydreaming. But, I could tell by the look in your eye.”

 

Michael was caught off guard by that. He fixed his posture and sat up more squarely. Something more befitting of an angel. 

 

“You’re cheeky, you know?” Michael laughed a bit awkwardly at getting caught. Anathema couldn’t guess what had been on his mind, but whatever it was seemed to make him a touch embarrassed.

 

“I do. It’s one of my many hidden talents. Now, what about you?” Anathema asked.

 

“Well.. this is my first date. Ever.” Michael admitted, rubbing the back of his neck, somewhat nervously. “I’ve never really done this, so I apologize if I do or act strange.”

 

“No, no!” Anathema assured him. “It’s ok, to tell you the truth, this is sort of my first official date too.” She was mentally screaming, as he had definitely confirmed this _was_ a date

 

“I find that a little hard to believe.” Michael said. “Only because you seem so bright and talented.”

 

“Well, you’re not the first person I’ve ever dated, technically. But, he was.. not my type.” Anathema said, thinking of the squirrel of a man that was Newton Pulsifer. Wow, was it really hitting her how much he looked like a tree rodent. 

 

“Is it wrong to assume it was that man who was so antsy?” Michael asked “I’ve studied a bit of human reactions, and he seemed.. jealous.”

 

“Yeah, that was him.” Anathema nodded. “Newton is.. he’s great, really. He’s a nice guy, he makes great tea. He’s just.. I see him more as a friend and roommate, not a partner. We tried to make it work, but I didn’t like it. To tell you the truth.. I was, well, ‘foretold’ that he and I would be together. My great-great-great-great-great grandmother, Agnes Nutter, she wrote this book with only accurate prophecies. Long story short, she’s how I ended up as part of the world-saving family and she’s who told me I was gonna be Mrs. Pulsifer.” 

 

“Ah, yes, I’m familiar with Ms. Nutter.” Michael said, taking a sip of water. “God had sent me to bestow wisdom and prophecy onto a girl by the name of Agnes about a few hundred years ago.”

 

“Wait.. So you did it? You gave Agnes her future sight?” Anathema blinked. Fate was a strange mistress. One day you think you’re forgetting all about the thorn in your side, next thing you know you’re wining and dining with the person who grew the plant from which the thorn came. “That’s crazy. I mean, wow. What was she like? Did you ever, like, _meet_ her?”

 

“No, not technically. I visited her the night she turned 11 and gave her the power. We never exchanged pleasantries or anything.” Michael said. “I did see her once more, after her death. But we only passed one another.”

 

“Oh..” Anathema muttered. 

 

Why did that disappoint her so much? She was trying to be rid of Agnes in her life, and yet she may have held a little bit of hope. Hope that maybe, maybe Agnes had told the Archangel that she had been mistaken in her predictions. Or maybe told him something to tell Anathema from the pile of predictions she had burned. Why did she burn them again? Dammit, some of those could’ve been useful, like if there was one about this very moment. _‘Prophecy 2483: She who dines with God’s warrior within the crystal palace may feast on the oceans delights.’_ or even better yet, _‘Prophecy 2484: Anathema, my descendant, you shall fancy the hearts of the fair and the sweet, as gentle as the angel who whisks you away into the night to dance upon the skies.’_ Something! **_Anything!_ **

 

“Ma’am?”

 

Anathema blinked from her internal spiral and saw the waitress standing there, having already taken Michael’s order.

 

“Oh, um.. I’ll have the beef and shrimp.” Anathema said, trying to shift as though she wasn’t just breaking down from the inside out. 

 

“Of course.” The waitress gave her a strange look as she wrote down the order, then went away. Anathema let out a little sigh.

 

“Everything alright? You went silent for a minute there.” Michael asked. Anathema’s eyes turned back to him. 

 

“Yeah, it’s fine, it's just.. I got a lot of mixed feelings about Agnes ‘s all.” She had picked up that specific little tick from spending so much time with Crowley. 

 

Out of the two supernatural entities, Crowley was who she had spent the most time with. They just got along well, the both of them. Crowley had his love of plants and Anathema studied the properties of plants. They both enjoyed fine red wines and stylish black clothing. When Anathema was having trouble with deciphering ancient writings in a textbook she found among Aziraphale’s collections, it would be Crowley who helped her decipher them. He’d always claim it was due to his demonic nature to spread dark forbidden knowledge, but in actuality it was because he had still practiced ancient latin and Anathema was, though he’d never say it out loud, one of his favorites. Not a great idea to mention while on a date with one of his immortal enemies. Probably not a great idea to even go on a date with one of his immortal enemies.

 

“Perhaps we should not discuss Agnes, if it troubles you.” Michael said, setting down his glass. “Would you like to know anything.. specific about me?”

 

“Actually, I would. So you really never danced until yesterday?” Anathema asked. “You were so good on your feet.”

 

“I’ve actually watched _Dirty Dancing_ a few times, picked it up from there. Angels aren’t normally the most skilled dancers.” 

 

“You most certainly were. It’s impressive.” Anathema said. “Memorizing the whole routine. I had just been following your lead.” Michael cocked a playful eyebrow.

 

“You’re telling me you’re _not_ a master dancer on top of everything else about you? I don’t believe it.” Anathema laughed. 

 

———-

 

The two of them may have started the night off rather rough but after a nice meal, which Michael claimed was the best thing he had ever eaten (which, technically, it _was_ ), the two took a leisurely stroll through the parks, joking together.

 

“And that’s when he learned that humans don’t particularly like to dress in all stripes. Luckily, Sandalphon thought it was dashing. So Gabriel’s ego wasn’t bruised too badly.” Michael had been telling Anathema a story about the time Gabriel tried out vertical stripes for his corporeal form. She was barely able to hold in the laughter from the mental image. 

 

“Oh.. I almost feel bad for him.” Anathema snorted. “If it wasn’t so funny. Is that mean?”

 

“It’s fine if it’s Gabriel.” Michael chuckled. “He is quite a scream.”

 

“I can only imagine. It reminds me of when Aziraphale tried learning about cell phones. He kept sending photos of his thumb because he didn’t know how to flip the camera around.” Anathema said. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that this whole night has been really great. I’m having a lot of fun.”

 

“I’m glad. I’m also glad Uriel talked me into coming. I was.. worried you wouldn’t want to see me, after..” Anathema knew what came next. She took a deep breath and firmly grasped at Michael’s hands.

 

“I’m gonna be honest with you, because I like you. I think what your lot tried to do was.. horrible. Horrible beyond words. Crowley and Aziraphale may be traitors to Heaven and Hell, but, they are the best godfathers a girl could ask for. I’m glad Armageddon didn’t happen. I know the point behind it, but I'm happy I could be here tonight. Standing in an amusement park, with an amazing angel. And it’s all thanks to them and Adam and -and me! The others too! I don’t blame you for following orders, but, I want you to know that even if they’re stupid and crazy and overbearing sometimes.. They’re my family! And if.. If we want to continue this, I need you to be ok with that.” Michael tried to read her face, but the lights were dim and she turned her eyes downward. Her voice carried some kind of feeling that Michael just couldn’t put his finger on. Worry? Loyalty? He wasn’t sure.

 

“I’m.. Im ok with it.” He said. “I’d really like to keep this up. You, and me, and.. I’d like to do this again.” Anathema could breathe again after hearing those words. 

 

“Good! Good. I’d really like to, too.”

 

Anathema and Michael’s short heartfelt convo had been cut short by the nightly fireworks display over Cinderella’s Castle. The fireworks lit up the sky like colorful stars that faded as quickly as they shone. The two turned to watch them strike and fade and strike, painting the night sky with all the fury of God. Michael felt Anathema’s hand snake gently around his lower back and pull him closer.

 

Michael wondered what She would say at the sight of this, an angel and a human. An angel and a demon was unprecedented, they were hereditary enemies after all, but they were both cosmic entities. But an angel and a human had never been thought of before. Had She planned for this all along? Thousands upon thousands of years of organizing, planning, preparing, and training for a war that was never to come. Only for her holy general to find some comfort among her prized creations, one of whom was directly responsible for stopping that war? Michael didn’t know the answer to that. It wasn’t for him to know, even if it was written for him. He had accepted that fact when word first came out about the Great Plan. However, now Gabriel said that it was actually more of an Ineffable Plan. Ineffable is right. 

 

Michael turned his head to look at Anathema again. The blasts of color in the sky reflected off her glasses and the golden makeup on her face. Had Michael not known better, he’d mistake her for one of their own. She had more spunk than any angel he had ever met, though. 

 

Never in his entire existence had he gotten so close to a human, both physically and, dare he say, emotionally. Even if it had been one afternoon. He had never spoken to a mortal unless it was over heavenly matters. He had never taken into account how their lives and families and surroundings may shape them. Of course he knew that was the case, but seeing it in practice was different. 

 

What was eating at him, deep inside? He felt a part of him turn as he spent those moments with Anathema.

 

Jealousy? 

 

His mind wandered to the renegade angel, who lived among humans for as long as they lived among him. He knew humanity, he saw them grow and form and shape through their existence. He must’ve befriended them.. joked with them.. experienced them.. In ways that only humans can. For a moment, Michael sympathized with him. If all humans were as nuanced as Anathema was, he could see why Aziraphale cared for them so much. Maybe he-

 

His train of thought was cut off by something soft and warm coming into contact with his lips. He blinked, and saw Anathema. She was lips-to-lips with the Archangel Michael. The sparks of a firework went off behind them. 

 

Michael knew what this act was, it was a kiss. He knew enough about humans from the movie that this is what is done with another person when they feel passionately for them. He was just caught off guard by Anathema, taking that step and kissing him. 

 

She tasted of sweet cherries, still lingering from dessert. Her lips were as soft as satin, the shine of lipgloss staining him. He knew exactly what it was like to walk on clouds, but this? This was something new, something gentle and yet powerful. This was something that made Michael nearly fall over from it hitting his senses all at once.

 

Over the loudspeakers, music started to play through light static.

 

_“So this is love, hmm~ So this is love~ So thiiiis is what makes liiiiife divine~”_

 

Anathema slowly pulled off of Michael and looked in the archangel’s eyes. Crystal blue, full of heavenly light. The smallest look of surprise. Her chest tightened.

 

“I’m sorry- I-I shouldn’t of done that without asking you, I just- I-“ Anathema rambled. Now Michael was going to not speak to her again because that was _way_ too forward! You don’t kiss on the first date, Ana! Now there wasn't going to be a second date! Now she had fucked up something _again_ because she didn’t have someone telling her what to-

 

Michael kissed her.

 

The taste of cherries and champagne mixed once again. This time, it was Anathema who was walking on air.

 

The two parted after a minute. One full minute of a kiss with an angel. Something love songs sang about, but never meant literally.

 

“Wow.” Anathema whispered. Michael’s lips curled into a smile.

 

“Wow indeed.” Michael said.

 

_“So this is love~”_

——————

 

Michael returned to his hotel room after walking Anathema to her’s. They had exchanged numbers and parted, despite both of them wanting to keep the date going into the sunrise. 

 

He had done a number of things that night that, 48 hours ago, he himself would’ve said was ‘unbecoming’ of an angel. Dancing, courting a human, and now _humming_ along to a song that wasn’t from _The Sound of Music_. He didn’t care though. He felt light and floaty and full of warmth. 

 

“We have to tell him.” A voice from the other side of the room rang out. Uriel. What were they doing up at this hour? Normally, they liked to sleep.

 

“We cannot and will not! Imagine the fuss he’ll have!” Gabriel. The prat somehow didn’t sound as ear-piercingly peppy as usual. He sounded.. afraid.

 

“We can’t possibly hide this from Michael, he’s going to find out!” Uriel cried. “You’re better off coming clean!”

 

“Coming clean about what?” Michael asked. Uriel, Gabriel, and Sandalphon all turned to look at Michael, who was only halfway in the door. “What’s going on?” Uriel took a deep breath and walked forward to Michael.

 

“Mike, Gabriel.. he..” They sighed. “ _We’ve_ been lying to you. God never sent us here.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Michael blinked, not sure if he heard his best friend right.

 

“We were never ordered to take a vacation. Gabriel and Sandalphon and I.. we thought we needed one after Armageddon. So.. we lied to you, so you would come with us.” Uriel reached out to touch Michael’s hand, but he recoiled. His eyes started to burn.

 

“So.. So we’ve been here, lollygagging about, for _nothing!?”_ Michael half-screamed. “You- You- All of you! You went against the Almighty for a little _vacation time!?_ I can’t- and I was stupid enough to believe it!” 

 

“Mike, please listen.” Uriel said, trying to calm him down. “We didn’t mean any harm by it.”

 

“No, of course you didn’t!” His voice shook the hotel. “You just thought the Great Plan’s gone topsy-turvy so we might as well too! Well, guess what Uriel? We can’t just do that! We’re not some- some- some rouge angels who decided to get too attached! We’re _the_ Archangels! If we go native then what becomes of Heaven? _She_ put us in charge for a reason! And now? Now we’re no better than that foolish Principality and his lot!” 

 

“Michael..”

 

“I’m going back to Heaven and will not be returning to Earth _ever_ again unless the Almighty _herself_ gives me the order too! And don’t even think of coming to speak to me again!”

 

In a flash, Michael was gone. A single feather in his place. There was a sudden crack of thunder. Uriel turned back to Sandalphon and Gabriel, who looked pale white. You should never make the warrior general of Heaven angry. 


	9. Pavement, Plagues, and Palaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam is worried, Anathema is doubtful, Dagon is upset, and Uriel gets an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna thank everyone for all the hits and kudos and comments and everything they seriously mean the world to me! I’m gonna try to get one or two more chapters out this month, and the next few have a lot in store so keep your heads up!

Adam Young woke from a deep sleep at the sound of thunder cracking in the night. He jumped, the boom traveling through his ears. He blinked once, twice, three times. He saw someone walking into the room, the most faint light of the hallway pouring into the hotel room. In walked Anathema Device, humming the tunes of Cinderella.

 

“Anathema?” Adam whispered, getting out of bed. She jumped back in surprise, looking over and seeing the boy.

 

“Oh, Adam.” Anathema sighed in relief. “It’s just you.”

 

“What’re you doing? And.. why do you look so fancy?” He questioned, the sparkle of Anathema’s makeup somehow still glistened even in the dim lighting. 

 

“Oh, I was just.. out.” She tried to play it off casually, but that didn’t work very well when a child caught you sneaking in from a date.

 

“Were you out with Michael?” Adam asked. Smart kid, very perceptive.

 

“Yes, but Uncle Aziraphale gave me the ok.” Anathema said.

 

“What about Uncle Crowley?” Anathema gulped, that was.. a little more complicated.

 

“Well..” She started. “He never agreed. But it’s fine.”

 

“But he’s our godfather.” Adam said. “You’re supposed to get his permission.”

 

“Yes but, it’s different. Adam, I'm a grown up. I don’t _need_ anyone’s permission to do as I please.” Anathema said, walking over to him.

 

“Then why did Uncle Zira give you the ok?” Adam questioned.

 

“Adam.” Anathema turned to look at him and bent down, to his eye level. “Uncle Zira gave me the ok because he caught me sneaking out. That’s all. Promise me you won’t mention seeing me. I don’t want to hurt Uncle Crowley’s feelings. He may act all rough and tough but you can tell he’s squishy. I’m not _trying_ to go behind his back.”

 

“But you are.” Adam said.

 

“Yes.. But listen, he was just worried about me getting hurt. And I'm perfectly fine, you see? Michael didn’t drop me from the sky.” Anathema gestured to herself.

 

“Did you have fun?” Adam asked. She let out a deep sigh full of wonder. 

 

“I did. We even kissed.” Anathema chuckled as she saw a look of childish disgust creep onto Adam’s face.

 

“Gross! He looks like an old lady.” Adam retched. “Like kissing your nan.” Anathema shook her head and stood up before ruffling Adam’s hair. 

 

“I’m gonna go get ready for bed. Hey, why are you up?” Anathema asked.

 

“The storm outside.” He said. “It was loud, woke me up.”

 

“Well try to get some more rest, ok kid?” 

 

Anathema walked to the restroom to prep for bed, while Adam went back to his own bed. He laid down and stared out at the closed window, listening to the thunder rumbling outside. Someone must’ve been right mad to cause such a storm.. Adam felt his stomach turn. Something felt wrong. He wasn’t sure what, though.

 

————-

 

Three days. Three days of radio silence. Three days Anathema had tried to text Michael and in response, nothing. She wasn’t being clingy, was she? 

 

A simple ‘hello’ or ‘good afternoon’ was all she wanted. She knew that it wasn’t like Michael _owed_ her a response. God, no. But.. After how well everything went, she’d expect more than just being ghosted!

 

The waves of the ocean crawled gently up the beach as Anathema checked her phone again. Nothing. She’d been sitting under an umbrella, unable to go have a good time with the others, because she felt like _any_ _minute_ _now_ , she’d get a response. But no such thing came. Nothing at all.

 

It hurt a little bit, to tell you the truth. Anathema had felt a real spark with Michael. One she had never felt with anyone else. And now? Now it was like a big steaming bowl of doubt soup had been poured all over her.

 

Another click of her phone, no messages on the lock screen. 

 

Newt watched her from the side, more worried about her than ever.

 

He had thought telling her the truth would be good for them all. They’d be able to be on alert and not be caught off guard by a possible surprise attack. 

 

Well, Anathema had already been hit with a surprise attack right to her heart, and now it was tearing her up inside. Newt hadn’t expected her to fall in love with an angel. Especially not an archangel. _Especially_ not the one he was most worried about. 

 

Now, Newt loved Anathema. He did. But, after learning the very real fact that Anathema never did love him in that way and never would on account of her being a lesbian he started to think maybe he himself had some misconstrued feelings for the girl. Sure he had said he loved her, and he felt strongly about her, but did he even really know her? According to what had been happening, no.

 

Anathema was a bright spark. She had the drive and feral energy of a newborn star. She told it like it was, did as she pleased, and never was one to look at the negatives. But now? Now she looked like a huddled flame of dying candlelight during the winter. Slowly being absorbed by her inner worry.

 

It was upsetting to say the very least. 

 

“Ana.” Newt’s voice snapped her out of her trance, staring at her phone. “Can we talk?”

 

“Yeah.. ‘Course.” Anathema said, scooting slightly over. “Pop a squat.”

 

“I don’t know what that means but ok.” Newt said, sitting beside Anathema. “So.. I’m sorry.”

 

“About what?” Anathema asked.

 

“I acted like a real jerk, the day everything came out. I didn’t even get the chance to tell you I'm, well, proud of you. For coming to understand yourself and come out to us.” He said, running his hand through the sand. “And I'm sorry about being so.. judgmental, about you and well, Michael. I know you didn’t end up going to see him. But, still. I should’ve supported your choice even if I thought he seemed like a wanker. And I know that that’s why you’ve been so gloomy recently.” 

 

“..Uh huh.” Anathema nodded slowly. Totally not why, but, she wasn’t going to admit that right now. “Definitely.”

 

“I don’t know you as well as I thought I did, Ana. But, if you would give me another chance, we can start over. As friends friends.” Anathema let a smile crawl onto her face.

 

“I’d like that, Newt.” She said. “First thing you should know about me? I’m not one for big emotional breakthroughs.” She shoved him playfully and he fell over in surprise, landing on his arm. She laughed for the first time that day. 

Newt chuckled and turned to look at her.

 

“I’ll give you a ten second headstart.” He said. “10.. 9..”

 

“I can take you on, Pulsifer.”

 

“6.. 5..”

 

Anathema started to run, her phone tucked into her bag. The chase would be a nice distraction.

 

For now.

 

—————

 

“This is bad, this is worse than bad.” Uriel said, pacing around the outside of a 7-11 where Sandalphon and Gabriel sat on the edge of the pavement. It had been three days since they last saw Michael and every passing moment meant two things. One, he was only going to get more furious with them. And two, there was a good chance he’d tell someone and they could be in a lot bigger trouble.

 

“We should’ve just not told him! Like I said!” Gabriel chimed in, waving the half-eaten chimichanga at Uriel who stopped in their place to glare daggers at him. “If we never told him, we’d be at the beach today! We’ve never seen the beach up close, Uriel! Imagine that experience.”

 

“I already told you if we kept lying to him he’d just be even more mad when we came clean.” Uriel sighed, pinching the bridge of their nose.

 

“So this is him _not_ mad then? Lightning strikes and the overall feeling of dread in the air?” Gabriel took a bite of the chimichanga. Damned things were really good, he hated to admit that about any form of gross matter, but he needed something to calm his nerves.

 

“We could’ve let that human girl keep him distracted.” Sandalphon said, looking up from his half-warm slice of ‘personal’ pizza.

 

“Yeah! See! Sandy knows what’s up. I thought that’s what you were doing when you _insisted_ that he goes out with her.” Gabriel said. “Even after learning that she was one of _those_ weirdos who, might I add, are the very reason we needed a vacation in the first place!”

 

“I wasn’t-“ Uriel groaned, squatting down slav-style. They rested their hands on this knees. “I wasn’t doing it as some kind of strategy! He just seemed to really like her and I wanted to encourage it. Unlike you bozos, Michael _is_ my best friend. I want him to be happy.”

 

“You act like we don’t!” Gabriel said before taking another violently-large bite. “We’re angels, Uri. All of us are.”

 

“Yes but you know as well as I do there’s a difference between wanting someone to be happy because you’re supposed to and _wanting_ someone to be happy.” 

 

“Got a point.” Sandalphon nodded. “But now what? Michael’s already run off, not like that human girl can be of much help now.”

 

“Or.. Or maybe she can be.” A lightbulb went off in Uriel’s mind. “We’re archangels.”

 

“Yeah, we know that.” Gabriel nodded in full sincerity. 

 

“We could save literally _any_ soul, if we tried. Michael won’t be as mad if we bring _her_ back with us, right?” 

 

“Are you insinuating we _kill_ someone so Michael won’t be upset? Isn’t that.. bad?” Sandalphon asked that question with the same air as a person who clearly knew the answer, but just was not sure because the question had been pitched rather convincingly.

 

“It’s brilliant! He gets his little girlfriend, we get off scot free. No harm, no foul.” Gabriel said, standing up. 

 

“There is harm. Technically is there foul?” Uriel said.

 

“Possibly.. we’ll have it stricken from the record.” Sandalphon nodded, standing up too.

 

“Right! So, we’ll just have to find the ex-Principality and the girl will be in tow.” Gabriel said. “Now.. Where would they be going next?”

 

————-

 

Dagon had packed up her suitcase after a long weekend at the Grand Canyon. Didn’t see what was so grand about it, personally. She liked it better when it was full of water. She liked everything better when it was full of water.

 

Beelzebub slipped on their shoes and cracked their spine as they sat up. Another shitty hotel bed, fit for a prince from Hell. Dagon watched them get up, unruffle the outfit they had been wearing, and turn to look at her.

 

“Are you almozzzt ready? We’re due to leave zzzoon.” Beelzebub asked.

 

“Almost, just packing up a few things.” What a demon needed to pack for a trip that consisted of largely the same shit was beyond Beelzebub, as all they had was a set of human clothes. “Where are we off too now, milord?”

 

“Lazz Vegazz. Palace of zzin, that place. Should be right fun.” Beelzebub said, but their voice made them seem like they were far away, in their own thoughts. Dagon had noticed this since the night they were alone. It made her worried. 

 

“Beez..” She tried to sound more warm and opening, hard to do when you’re a demon. But it was worth a try. “You’ve been kind of.. on edge, recently. Is something wrong?” 

 

Beelzebub clenched their knuckles tightly on the sheets of the bed. It was rough and grainy and felt like it had been starched with the hotel’s entire supply. But it was a bed that they and Dagon had shared. So it couldn’t have been all bad.

 

“Everything’zz fine, Dagzz. I azzzure you.” 

 

“You just, haven’t spent much time having fun. I can see it on your face, you look positively demolished.” She was right, Beelzebub normally looked like they had been the victim of a plague, eyes sunken and cheeks sagging from frowning. Now? Imagine that, but like they had also been hit by a train. “The point of a vacation is to-“

 

“Have fun. You told me.” They cut her off. “I _am_ having fun.”

 

“Last I saw you genuinely have fun was 1250 BC.” Dagon crossed her arms and gave Beelzebub a look. Beelzebub let out a nostalgic sigh.

 

“Ah, the plaguezz of Egypt. Zzome of my finezzt work.” They smiled, thinking about all the buzzing flies that ravaged the cities. Dagon wished that they would instead ravage her, but that's besides the point.

 

“Beez, im serious.” She said, letting her arms fall. “After the revolution, you and I swore to stick by one another, for awful or for worse.” 

 

“And we do?” Beelzebub walked around the bed toward the door, suitcase in hand. 

 

“No, we don’t. Not when you’re _lying_ to me.” Dagon said, slamming down her claw onto her suitcase, it nearly breaking from the impact. 

 

“I wouldn’t.” Beelzebub denied. In actuality, they were. But, they thought it was in best interest to not say a word.

 

“You’re lying to me right now and I won’t stand for it, Beelzebub! You know me. You _know_ I cannot stand liars! It ruins everything! From paperwork to numbers to- to- to our blasted vacation!” For a demon, it was a quite shock, but Dagon did not mess with lies. She was orderly, by the infernal books, and wanted the facts. That’s what made her fall in the first place, questioning the logistics of God’s seemingly perfect final word. 

 

“Dagon, I would _never-_ ” Beelzebub turned back and saw the burning fire inside Dagon’s eyes. They had only ever seen it once before, after finding all of Crowley’s files to be inaccurate. All of that hellish spite was at first directed toward lower demons who had to suffer her wrath. Now? Now it was pointed at Lord Beelzebub, who had sworn once to be truthful to Dagon forever. Because unlike other demons, she could trust them. All that fire built up inside made her look as though she was about to ignite.

 

Then all at once, with a single blink, her eyes turned cold. Ice cold. 

 

Dagon clicked her suitcase closed and walked to the door. The way she moved was like that of a figure skater, gracefully drifting on a frozen lake.

 

“When you’re ready to admit _whatever_ this little charade of yours is, you know where to find me. Until then, don’t even _bother_.” Dagon’s words struck the lord of the flies like spears to the chest. She walked out of the room, never once looking back.

 

Beelzebub gulped. They hoped all of this would be worth it in the end.


	10. Pacing and Paying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anathema gets a response. And a new look.

Anathema was laying in bed in the opposite direction, lazily hugging the pillow, staring at her phone. No response yet. Nothing. A day or two, she can understand, but six?? It was like Michael had up and left the face of the Earth! Well, Anathema didn’t know that was the case. Had she, maybe the thoughts swirling in her head would be different. But right now, all that was in her head was one single word.

 

Lackluster.

 

That’s all their date must’ve been to Michael! Lackluster! No spark on his end, no big emotional feelings, nothing! And it was all because Anathema was lackluster. That  _ had  _ to be it! Why else would things turn out like how they had? After such a wonderful night? Maybe it was way too early to talk about love, but fire was there. Sparks were  _ definitely  _ there. Least, Anathema had thought so before trying a handful of times to reach the archangel. Now? It felt like disappointment. Had she done something wrong? Was it some kind of angel custom to just  _ not  _ respond? She wanted to ask Uncle Aziraphale, but then she’d admit that Michael definitely is hurting her feelings and  _ then  _ Aziraphale and Crowley would fly all the way around the Earth, Milky Way, and all the way up to Heaven to give Michael that same kind of pain, but physical. It was too much to put the others through, especially since the children just wanted to have a normal day and see the M&M store. 

 

They had been in Nevada all of three hours and Anathema didn’t want to go see anything. She just wanted to sit in the room, ‘relax’, and not get ripped off by a Michael Jackson impersonator on The Strip again. She didn’t even want to attempt to look around the casinos! She loved casinos! She wanted more than that. 

 

She wanted a straightforward answer. That’s it.

 

Michael had been pacing in Heaven on a warpath for six days. Any poor angel who came into his line of sight had best pray that he would only glare through them. Behind him would be a trail of half-month old backed up paperwork that wasn’t only his, but his fellow Archangels’, _and_ the work of a dozen-ish angels who had “forgotten” to do a stack of work from the night that Heaven’s finest were drinking like half-bit mortals. Lucky for Michael, it had only been the Archangels that had been ‘given’ a vacation. He was so lucky in fact, he got to do their work! Afterall, none of them had returned to Heaven yet. It was a spit in the face! Well, only as much a spit in the face could be after being lied to and just letting their work pile up. Which, in that case, was more of a slap to the face. 

 

Michael heard the buzz of his phone which sat on his desk atop a pile of files. He groaned. He had sworn that he turned it to silent? As he went to check it, he took a deep sigh. He needed no distrac-

 

Five messages and a missed call from Anathema, who had a sparkle, a purple heart, and a flower emoji that followed after her name. Michael’s heart, it being a rare occasion that he chose to have one, sunk into his stomach.

 

He opened his phone, seeing they had started the first day he left. The first day he had thrown himself so deeply into his work. It was like when Joan of Arc had burnt all over again. There had been so much file drafting to do then. 

 

Now? Now what was he supposed to do? He was an angel, she was a human. Naturally, he shouldn’t even have to respond, as he shouldn’t of given her his number nor even went out with her. But, he did. He had gone and ‘caught feelings’ as the kids say. If God was not listening, he would’ve cursed quite a lot, as this was  _ not  _ supposed to happen to  _ him _ . He wasn’t supposed to want to hold a human woman in his arms or kiss her under the moonlight again. He wasn’t supposed to want to take her for a flight with only the stars as their audience as they danced on the clouds. He certainly wasn’t supposed to agree to tolerate the second most renowned traitors of Heaven and Hell because they  _ adopted  _ her as their child. Yet, here he was, certain in only one thing. He didn’t want to have to let her go. 

 

But, he knew what he had to do.

 

With the heaviest heart, Michael sent a message that made Anathema’s eyes spring tears like an oil rig. 

 

She started to weep and weep and weep. It was painful. It was more than painful. Anathema Device, in all her years, never had this spark with anyone else. She was never more sure of anything that Agnes never spoke of in her life. Yet here she was, wrong. So very, very wrong.

 

Anathema went to the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror for so long that it felt like it had been an eternity. She could barely see out of her glasses, so she threw them onto the sink in fury. Her sobs swallowing the sound of cracking glass. 

 

She looked around the bathroom for anything to stop crying. Anything. She needed to stop  _ now. She hated this. _

 

Then, she saw a pair of scissors underneath the bathroom sink.

 

Perfect.

 

————

 

Crowley was the first one to walk back inside from their little outing to the Vegas Strip. For such a wild, flashy, dirty area, he was quite sure Hell had nothing to do with it. It was a place made from humanity’s pure need to fuck around and make weird shit for a profit. Seriously, there was maybe ten spider-men every fifteen feet and each one of them wanted 10 bucks for a photo-op. If Crowley and Aziraphale had any real use for money they’d call it highway robbery. Luckily, Newton had volunteered to stay with the kids while the two godfathers went and dropped off what knick-knacks they bought and a sweet for Anathema in the room.

 

Crowley was also the first to hear light sobbing coming from the restroom. His yellow eyes blinked in surprise. 

 

“Angel, not to alarm you, but there’s crying coming from the shower.” Crowley said. Aziraphale immediately tensed up when he heard this. Those weren’t just  _ any sobs _ , they were  _ Anathema’s _ . It had to be. He still prayed to  _ God  _ with every step toward the bathroom door that he was wrong.

 

Sadly, no one answered those prayers. 

 

When he and Crowley opened the door, they saw Anathema crying over the sink with a pound of hair sprinkled haphazardly around it. In her right hand was a set of scissors and on her head was significantly less hair than there had been before. She was clutching at her head with her left hand, gripping firmly as she tried to hide her face and the sounds of her sobs. She hadn’t even noticed them. Crowley and Aziraphale’s eyes went wide before turning to each other in quite possibly the longest second they had every experienced in 6000 years. 

 

“Ana, love..” Crowley said, creeping over carefully to her side, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. She flinched. “Ana, what is going on? Are you hurt? Who hurt you? For sat- go-  _ someone _ ’s sake, please look at me.” With every question his tone just got more and more paranoid. What the fuck happened to his goddaughter? 

 

“Crowley come, let’s sit her on the bed.” Aziraphale opened the door as Crowley helped Anathema stand up, taking her scissor-holding hand, and letting them drop onto the counter. He led her over to the bed where she sat, hiding her face in her hands. The snorts and hiccups of hysterics came out from between her fingers.

 

Crowley bent down at the edge of the bed and gently put his hands on her knee as a sign of comfort. Aziraphale sat beside her and gently hugged her, letting her head rest comfortably on his shoulder. Crowley opened his mouth to ask something, but Aziraphale shook his head. Give her time. Let her calm down. Show her we’re here before anything else. Crowley obliged.

 

As Anathema started to relax, she moved her hands from her face. Her cheeks were puffy and red. Her eyes looked so tired and glossy from the tears. She couldn’t shake this awful hiccup-and-sniffle combo that was plaguing her.

 

“Anathema dear, are you ready to talk?” Aziraphale asked. Anathema slowly nodded. “What happened?”

 

“..M-Michael.” She muttered, reaching for her phone in her pocket. The second Crowley heard that he was ready to pounce with follow-ups but he waited. 

 

Anathema opened her phone and went to the conversation with Michael, then turned it to her godfathers.

 

‘I really enjoyed our date, wanna do it again while we’re both here?’ No response.

 

‘hey, you’ No response.

‘what's up?’ No response.

 

‘hi’ No response.

 

 ‘is everything alright?’ A response.

 

‘I can’t see you anymore. Being on Earth was a mistake that I can't get into nor do I wish to. I’m sorry.’

 

Crowley and Aziraphale were known, by those who got to actually  _ know _ them, as generally reasonable beings. They thought about their actions before jumping headfirst into something.

 

But right now, right now all of that was thrown out the window. Because, the Archangel  _ fucking  _ Michael had not only broke up with their child, not even giving her a full explanation, but also did it  _ over a text message _ . Suffice to say, both of them were seeing red. 

 

“The bastard! Who does he think he is?” Crowley growled. Then it dawned on him. “Wait a second. How did you get his-“ He watched as Anathema averted her eyes. The look on her face told the whole truth. “You.. You actually went out with Michael. Aziraphale, did you know about this?” Crowley turned to his husband who rubbed the back of his neck. “Bloody hell, Angel.”

 

“Dear-“

 

“It’s  _ Michael,  _ Aziraphale! I don’t care if the stars themselves spelled out that he was trustworthy, i’d still sooner drink holy water than trust him with anything, especially my child’s heart!” Crowley stood up quickly and paced in a small line back and forth. “And you didn’t even  _ tell _ me. That’s what got me pissed!” Aziraphale stood up and took Crowley by the shoulders, stopping him.

 

“Crowley, listen to me please, the way Anathema spoke of how she felt. It reminded me so much of us, love. I had to give her the chance, because perhaps  _ She  _ had plans for them. Like there was for us.” Crowley let out a deep sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.

 

“I’m sorry..” Anathema spoke up. “This is all my own fault.. I should’ve listened to you, Crowley.”

 

“Oh, Ana..” Crowley muttered, sitting beside her. He reached for her hand and rubbed it gently. “This isn’t your fault, dear. Michael’s always been a bastard. Besides, emotions can be.. tricky. I learned that over 6000 years.”

 

“I really thought.. I thought we hit it off. We kissed! More than once!” Anathema tugged at her skirt tightly, sniffling. “Then he doesn’t say anything to me again until he says being here was a  _ mistake _ ! He just- ugh!” She fell backwards into the bed and groaned. “My head hurts just thinking about it.”

 

“And your hair?” Crowley asked.

 

“I was having a breakdown, thought a haircut would help.” Anathema admitted. Classic gay thought-process.

 

“Understandable. I did similar things in moments of crisis. ‘Cept I tended to grow mine out.” Crowley said “But to each their own.”

 

“I look like a wreck.” Anathema sighed. 

 

“Now why don’t we go fix that?” Crowley offered. “Little demonic miracle for the trim.”

 

“...Could we also dye it?” Anathema asked. “The old fashioned way though.”

 

“Sure, love.” Crowley kissed the top of the girl’s head before standing up with her. “What color do you want?”

 

“Hmm… purple. Like lavender purple.” Anathema said. Crowley nodded.

 

“On it. Angel, could you-“ He looked over at Aziraphale, who was holding at least 3 bottles of expensive hair bleach and dye, in the perfect shade. Crowley gave him an eyebrow raise and a little smirk. “Didn’t you say something before about an overuse of miracles?”

 

“Oh.. to Hell with the rules.” Aziraphale said. Crowley gaped in surprise and admiration.

 

“Angel, somehow you make me love you even more everyday, you know that?” Crowley stood up and kissed Aziraphale sweetly on the lips. Aziraphale couldn’t help but laugh a bit into the kiss. The sight of their gentle love made Anathema brighten up ever so slightly.

 

“Let’s go, Ana.” Crowley said, snapping his fingers. “Let's go work out your new do.” 

 

The three of them entered the restroom and got right to work. Crowley was the main one styling Anathema’s hair with Aziraphale at the side helping with certain parts. 

 

After about two hours the doors to both the restroom and the room itself opened. Adam and his friends ran in, arms full of candy and toys from the various shops on The Strip. They were talking about how cool it was to see Spongebob and Fred Flinstone throw down, too bad the cops had gotten there before someone won. Newt walked in, disheveled, carrying Dog who was wearing a little top hat. Where he got it from, Newt wasn’t sure. But it was cute.

 

“We’re here!” Adam called out, looking at the seemingly empty room.

 

“Where are they?” Brian asked. 

 

“In here, children!” Aziraphale called out from the bedroom. The Them dashed to find their godfathers with Newt and Dog behind them. When they turned the corner inside they were face to face with Anathema Device, The Purple Witch. 

 

Her curls bounced loosely, just above her shoulders. Each one was the color of beautiful lavender flowers. Her glasses, which were cracked upon discovery, were replaced with a set of golden-framed circular glasses that shone vibrantly in the light.

 

“Woah!” The Them said all in unison.

 

“You like it?” Anathema asked, giving them a little spin.

 

“You look fantastic, Anathema!” Pepper said. “Why’d you do it?”

 

“I just..” Anathema’s eyes turned to look at Newt, who gave her a smile. She smiled in return. “I just needed to find something to make me feel more  _ me.” _

 

“Like our handy work?” Crowley asked. “Did it by hand, no miracles. Well, ‘cept the cut.” 

 

“It looks brilliant. Can you dye mine too?” Adam asked.

 

“Me too!” Pepper added.

 

“I’d look stunning with green hair.” Brian said, musing in a fantasy.

 

“Now, now. I don’t think your parents would like us sending you home with such vibrant hair.” Aziraphale chuckled. “Maybe when you’re a little older.”

 

“I’ll do my damndest to make it perfect.” Crowley said, a grin spreading to his face.

 

“Well, it’s dinner time now. Fancy a meal, anyone?” Aziraphale asked. As everyone agreed, Anathema shook her head.

 

“I’ll pass, I didn’t even get to go see the town.” Anathema said. “I’ll be back later tonight, ok?” Crowley shifted slightly, but Anathema gave him a look with the words ‘trust me’ practically imprinted in her stare.

 

“Alright, be safe, love.” Crowley said, ruffling her hair.

 

“I will, I promise.”

 

Things started to finally feel like they were getting back to normal.

 

————

 

Beelzebub’s group had finally made it to Las Vegas that night, and all the demons had been excited to go be in a more natural habitat than the sickenly family oriented spots they had stopped at previously. What that meant for now was demons running wild inside a casino. Specifically, Caesar’s Palace. They loved some good blasphemy every now and then.

 

“Ligur, check out this massive thing.” Hastur said, pointing at the gigantic statue of Poseidon in the center of the shopping area. “These humans are really into big muscular men, aren’t they?”

 

“Don’t see the appeal.” Ligur said, walking over beside him, a really long cup filled with piña colada in one hand. The other one snaked around Hastur’s waist. “I’m more into froggy men M’self.”

 

“Oh you sly lizard~” Hastur chuckled, kissing his husband’s lips. They tasted of pineapple and coconut, two things neither demon had ever had until that night. If it was as sweetly tantalizing as this all the time, they might just have to come up to Earth more often.

 

“Ugh, you two. Gross.” Dagon shouted at them from across the room, slumped over onto a table with a half-drunk mojito in hand. The pile of empty classes next to her on the floor seemed to suggest she had been doing this for awhile.

 

“Ah, c’mon now, Lord Dagon. Surely you can’t be too disgusted. Hell invented sappy love. Keeps onlookers grossed out for the foreseeable day.” Hastur said as the two walked over to where she sat.

 

“No we didn’t, you idiot. Crowley just took credit for that.” Both Dukes shivered at the mention of the traitor.

 

“Lord Beelzebub said we’d best not speak that name.” Hastur gulped. His comment only got him a glare from Dagon.

 

“Lord Beelzebub ain’t here, are they?” Dagon said slurping down the rest of the mojito rather violently. She wiped the bit that dribbled down her chin away and ground her piranha-like teeth. “Damn bastard. Wants to keep secrets from me! Me!” Hastur and Ligur briefly glanced at each other in shock as Dagon started to go on a drunken rant. “Who’s been by their side since the Fall? Me! Who’s helped them keep Hell in check every single day for over six thousand years? Me! What could possibly be so important that they couldn’t talk to me about it?”

 

———

 

Beelzebub themselves felt rather awful about lying to keep their lot safe. It was not only a strain on their relationship, but also very undemonic of them. Caring about others safety wasn’t exactly something you were praised for in Hell. Luckily for Beelzebub, they could write it off internally as just trying to keep things in order. Beelzebub liked order. Dagon did too. Must’ve been why they jived so well together. 

 

But for now, they seemed to just be trying to let a little chaos flow. As they were more than a little tipsy on the casino floor, causing small little demonic miracles every few feet. A slot machine meant to hit a jackpot suddenly stopped working. A waitress trips and dumps all the drinks over onto the blackjack table and ruins a game. A woman with short, lavender hair breaks a heel and lands face first on top of-

 

“Ow!” Beelzebub hissed, falling to the ground with said woman on top of them. The fall itself didn’t really hurt, despite slamming their corporeal form onto the shittily carpeted floor. They squinted hard from the impact, though.

 

“Oh fuck, i’m sorry.” The woman said, pushing herself up. Beelzebub opened their eyes and also propped themself up, getting a good look at the woman who the audience would recognize as Anathema Device, who you could tell had a few drinks from the smell of vodka and cherry juice on her.

 

“It’s whatever.” Beelzebub didn’t seem to recognize her. Whether it was from the cut and color or from the fact that they weren’t paying much attention to the humans in attendance at Armageddon, minus the Antichrist, was anyone’s guess. 

 

They both started to stand up only to stumble for different reasons, catching one another. It was kind of an awkward situation. They cleared their throats as they found their own balance.

 

“Thanks for the catch. Hey, what’s your name?” Anathema asked. “I’m Ana.” 

 

“..Bee. Pleasure.” Beelzebub said a bit warily. Why was this human still talking to them? Weren’t humans supposed to be more wrapped up in themselves and their phones or something. It’s what Dagon had told them. Tch-

 

“Hey, stupid question but, are you alone? I’m kinda going through some shit and could use a drinking buddy.” Anathema asked. Something about the shorter person before them was oddly familiar, but the booze in her system made it kinda hard to tell faces apart.

 

Now, Beelzebub wasn’t stupid. They tried to treat humans like they had a ‘Do Not Touch’ sign attached to their foreheads. Look at them, maybe be intrigued by the things they do, but never interact. 

 

That all changed the moment Dagon’s shoulder turned ice cold and the flame of fireball whiskey hit their throat that night. 

 

“..Zzure. But you’re payin’.” Beelzebub slurred the buzz a bit, but not enough to raise any suspicion.

 

“Sweet. Let’s get fucked up.”

 

In less than the span of a week, Anathema Device went from being on a date with an Archangel and feeling so much love, to getting turnt with a prince of Hell. Suffice to say, her vacation was turning out to be rather fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I just wanted to let y’all know I have a big chapter coming up and it will be out sometime this week! Also my birthday is the 27th, so hopefully i’ll have work on the chapter afterwards started.


	11. Partners and Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beelzebub and Anathema try to have some fun.

The sounds of a casino late into the night have often been compared to the noises that would come from the streets of Ancient Greece during a bacchanal. The roars of laughter and clinking of drinks filled with the finest brews, the jingle of coinage ringing through the air. It was a beautiful symphony of noise that could be seen as both a joyous celebration and a fit of mass madness. The flashing golden lights didn’t help sway the view either way.

 

And there was nothing quite like the sounds of cheer and wicked laughter coming from a hellish demon and a mortal witch who drank together at a bar. 

 

Beelzebub slammed back shots as quick as they came to them, one after the other like a pistol firing multiple rounds. Anathema laughed, watching as by the fourth shot Beez was having trouble not splashing the entire shot onto themself.

 

“So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my tiddies-“ Anathema started off a story like any other 23 year old would, with a vine reference. Beelzebub, despite not knowing what vine or barbecue sauce even _was_ , started to howl with laughter at how effortlessly Anathema had said something so, so stupid sounding without cracking up midway through. It was kinda impressive. “I was sitting there, for like three hours with this girl! We eat at a fancy restaurant, tell jokes, I teach him what ‘scoring’ means. We even kiss in the most bullshit romantic situation like, _ever._ Like, I swear, if it was a movie that would’ve been the big high point or ending scene. And then nothing! He cuts me off!” She then took another shot.

 

“What a bitch.” Beelzebub said, leaning over onto the bar. “Szhoulda killed ‘im.”

 

“Nah, nah, too messy.” Anathema slurred. Beelzebub meant it literally, but Ana didn’t know that.

 

“And then there’s _my_ gir- part- _associate_ .” It was kind of hard to put terms of endearment into a relationship literally from Hell. Some demons like Ligur and Hastur tried and succeeded at finding love in the murky, dank septic system that was Hell. But these two were skirting around their feelings for millennia. Dagon and Beelzebub had known each other, literally and once biblically, for years. But could you really put their partnership into the category of _romance_ ? Beelzebub didn’t know! Especially now! This was like leaving Hell and going to vacation in a different _kind_ of Hell!

 

“What’s goin’ on in that neck of the woods?” Anathema asked, swiveling her bar stool to turn to Beelzebub, but still leaning over onto the bar when her order of fries came out. 

 

“Like- She’s so mad at me now that she won’t even look at me! And I'm doing something to keep her zzafe because this _azzhole_ we knew once is also on vacation and we don’t wanna run into him or anyone he knows because then who knowzz what the fuck’ll happen then!” Beelzebub took a small handful of fries and shoved them in their mouth. Human food wasn’t something they indulged in often, mostly because a lot of it tasted like they had simply licked a wall in Hell, but right now they couldn’t care less. “But all I need is some confidence that everything izz fine, and now she won’t talk to me!”

 

“Sounds rough.” Anathema said, not noticing the slight buzz in their voice. “Romance sucks, Bee.”

 

“It does. People do too.”

 

“But hey, there’s seven billion people on the Earth, chances are a better one could be sitting in this very bar.” Anathema did a fake mind blow. Beelzebub didn’t really get it, but chuckled all the same thanks to the copious amount of alcohol flowing through their system.

 

The two would’ve probably not even interacted had they known who the other was. Beelzebub would’ve probably swan dived behind a slot machine, rushed to tell the others they had to leave _now_ , only to get yelled at by Dagon and let the proverbial cat out of the bag. Anathema would’ve went and found different company. Maybe with a vaguely familiar looking redhead with a pension for destruction, who had, at this point, left that casino only to go see three old associates at a nice show that would spiral into a brawl just from her presence. 

 

But this wasn’t those four’s story. This was Anathema’s. And Anathema had taken a liking to this Bee person who she had slammed face first into because her shoe’s heel had broken out of nowhere.

 

“Ugh, this is zzo therapeutic you have no clue, Ana.” Beelzebub rubbed their temple. “Getting this zzhit off my chest. Can’t do that in the Hell im from.” You really couldn’t, therapy didn’t exist in Hell.

 

“This is super helpful for me too. I’ve been sitting and crying for the last few hours and now, a half dozen shots later, I realize fuck him! I am Anathema _fucking_ Device and I can do anything! I don’t need him! I can date any girl I want because I'm amazing!” God bless her heart for trying to believe her newly re-found confidence. God bless that Beelzebub didn’t recognize the name from the files on Armageddon. 

 

“Fuck yeah! And, I don’t need Dags’ judgeyness! I’m zztill her boss, I don’t _need_ her approval for anything! I don’t need her approval to keep thingzz in order, I don’t need her approval to get fucking wazzted with another woman, and I don’t need her approval to do _thizz!_ ” 

 

Beelzebub slammed another shot. Anathema was cheering them on the entire time. They were causing a huge disturbance. That was until the bartender coughed rather loudly, got their attention, then kicked them out. Anathema still had to pay the tab. Now, they stood outside the casino bar, the symphony of late night noise in the air, and a new partner-in-crime beside them. 

 

They turned to each other and in a brilliant moment of silent discussion, they took each other’s hands and ran off together into the sea of pleasure that was Las Vegas.

 

————-

 

Dagon had finally finished her hour-long rant over why Beelzebub was a bastard with Hastur and Ligur as her captive audience. Everytime the two of them tried to slink off she would snap at them that they’d best sit back down or Satan help her she would make sure they were stuck feeding the hellhounds for the next four thousand years.

 

Hastur and Ligur finally stood up without protest from Dagon, who huffed and grumbled, laying her head on the table.

 

“Should we.. go find Lord Beelzebub?” Ligur whispered to Hastur. “They got things they need to work out.”

 

“Why do we have to?” Hastur whined.

 

“If we don’t, Dagon’ll turn to us with more of her problems.”

 

“Fair point.”

 

Both of them turned back to Dagon and cleared their throats.

 

“Lord Dagon, why don’t we go find Lord Beelzebub so you can take out your unholy rage out on them?” Ligur offered. Dagon got up, barely able to keep her balance. The stare of her blue eyes hit the two Dukes with ice straight to their core.

 

“Where the _fuck_ are they?” Dagon growled lowly, baring her teeth. 

 

Without a word from Ligur or Hastur, Dagon stumbled out of the area they were in, dragging them along. They’d go out for a flight to find them.

 

Oh they’d be in for quite the night.

 

———

 

Beelzebub and Anathema ran down the Fremont Street together laughing the entire way. The bright LEDs sparkled like stars in the sky. Beelzebub stopped dead in their tracks to gawk at the lights. Hell was dark and cold, with only half burnt out lights to see where you were going. This was the most shiny area they had ever seen on the surface. The color changing lights from the ceiling reflected off their baby blue eyes like a rainbow. It seemed to be playing some kind of show that they didn’t recognize.

 

“Wow..” They muttered in amazement. 

 

Anathema had a wide grin on her cheeks as she took Beelzebub by the arm and tugged them toward a building.

 

“C’mon, there’s an arcade in here. I haven’t been to one in _years!”_ Now Beelzebub had no idea what an arcade was, but that didn’t stop them from following Anathema into the doors. 

 

If they thought the lights outside were something, then inside there was several times more exciting. The room itself was dark, but the lights all came from different directions- from different machines. The sounds inside were more chaotic than a bacchanal, they were more like one of Hell’s millennial raves. Those had been Crowley’s idea. It was one of the only things Beelzebub would say was a _good_ idea coming from him. 

 

“Ooh, they got a DDR machine!” Anathema said, rushing over to a brightly flashing machine with arrows on a platform.

 

“What’s.. DDR?” Beelzebub asked, blinking from the strain their eyes felt being so close to such bright lights.

 

“It’s a dance game, you match the movements on screen with the arrows. You’ve never seen one? Dude, you need to get out more.” Anathema chuckled as she inspected the machine. 

 

“Zzo I've been told.” Beelzebub thought.

 

“Looks like it’s a dollar machine, fuckin’ sweet.” Anathema put a dollar in. The machine immediately lit up with a new screen. Anathema climbed onto the dance pad and chose a song, before attempting to follow any kind of rhythm she could muster while drunk out of her mind. The song she chose was something in japanese, with the picture of some anime as the cover album. The only thing in english was the name ‘Death Parade’. Beelzebub was confused, since when did Death hold parades? And why weren’t the forces of Hell invited?

 

The music was a really catchy tune that had a nice beat. ~ _Boom, boom, boom~._ Those seemed to be the only parts Anathema could match on the dance pad perfectly, as she got maybe every 1/3rd step right every other note. 

 

That didn’t stop her from dancing up a storm, however. She would move her hands and hips to the music like it was just her in the entire world. This had been the best night she had since- 

 

Oh forget it.

 

Tonight was all about her having fun! Forget it and forget him. That’s all she kept telling herself.

 

The song eventually reached its climatic end and Anathema struck a pose, totally missing the final note. She was half-out of breath, but her spirit was bright. She stumbled off the dance pad, almost twisting her ankle in the process, and looked to Beelzebub.

 

“Bee, you should try it.” Anathema insisted. “It’s super fun.”

 

“I’m.. not the best dancer.” Beelzebub admitted. Of course they weren’t, they were a demon. Demons, while they did dance, didn’t mean they were _good_ at it. 

 

“Oh, can’t be any worse than what I just did. That sucked.” Anathema snorted slightly at her own self deprecation. 

 

“..Suppozze I can give it a go.” Beelzebub begrudgingly agreed as Anathema set it up for them. She scrolled through the songs, her eyes going wide as she saw one specific number. 

 

Before Beelzebub could even say anything, Anathema hit enter. The j-pop song ‘Butterfly’ started to pour out of the speakers. It was a very danceable song, obviously. 

 

It was a slow start as Beelzebub tried to get the hang of the rhythm. They’d take two steps left, two right, one up, and one down. It was all a matter of memorization and paying attention, two things a shitfaced demon couldn’t really do. But they tried anyway.

 

As the song started to speed up they’d miss a few steps, but have just as much fun trying. It was like a personal rave, this machine. It was all about you and the beat of the song. Was this what humans did as self-indulgence these days? Because if it was, Beelzebub might just have to come upstairs more often. 

 

“You got this!” Anathema cheered them on in a way that only a drunk idiot could, hooting and hollering while being four steps away from them. 

 

They tried their best, and got a B-rating at the end of the song. Beelzebub was even panting from rush of it. 

 

“That wazz somethin’.” They said with the faintest smile on their lips. Anathema grinned back and took their hand.

 

“C’mon! There’s so much more to see!” She said, pulling them away.

 

———

 

Uriel, Sandalphon, and Gabriel had been flying overhead of Las Vegas for about two hours. The city’s pure hellish energy intimidated the three of them, so they thought best look by air. They’d also best find that girl and get the job over with fast. Michael would have their wings ripped off and turned into lapel pins if they didn’t.

 

“You see anything?” Uriel asked, shouting at them from across the sky.

 

“Just a lot of-“ Gabriel coughed. “Smog!” Pollution had done a marvelous job with this city when it first came to rise in popularity.

 

“Keep looking! She has to be here! This is where we traced Aziraphale’s last miracle too!” Uriel said as they dived as close to the streets as they could get without attracting the attention of unsuspecting mortals.

 

“This city is like a burnt feather on perfectly pristine wings!” Sandalphon shuddered. 

 

“Yeah well what do you expect when the ones in charge are a demon and a rebel angel?” Gabriel sighed. In actuality, Anathema had planned the entire trip. She hadn’t been to Las Vegas in many years and she knew the kids would have fun watching Spongebob breakdance with Deadpool on The Strip before they go ride the New York New York roller coaster. But, these angels didn’t know that.

 

“I’m picking up some demonic energy, we must be close!” Uriel said, starting to fly toward one specific direction. Gabriel and Sandalphon followed their lead. 

 

“So, do we have a plan on how we’re going to do this?” Gabriel questioned.

 

“Zero idea. We’re three angels and she’s just a mortal, how hard can it be to kill her?” Uriel said.

 

“What if those two are with her?” Sandalphon questioned.

 

“Then we knock them out! Miracle yourself something heavy and get ready to swing!”

 

The three of them looked like regular dots in the sky to anyone lucky enough to barely see them. Those who’d end up being close up to them, on the other hand?

 

Well, that wouldn’t be much fun, would it? 

 

—————

 

The next stop on the now self-titled ‘Ana and Bee’s Midnight Riot’, which Beelzebub thought would be a great name for a rock band, would be the Bellagio Fountain. Anathema had told them about a meme she saw online where people were saying they should throw bath bombs into the fountain then run away as fast as possible. She said it as a joke when they made their way across the bridge, but it clicked in Beelzebub’s mind that it would actually be really fun.

 

So, they just _happen_ to find two stray bath bombs resting against a piece of the bridge. One was black with red stripes in it, the other was purple and had spots of green. They gave each other a look before taking them and taking a step forward.

 

“On the count of three, ok?” Anathema said, to which Beelzebub nodded. “One.. two.. three!”

 

Together they threw the bath bombs into the fountain. It was such a high of emotions for all of ten seconds. 

 

After that however, nothing really happened. It was too dark and too far down to really see the fizz. Anathema huffed.

 

“That seemed cooler in my head..” She leaned on the bridge, staring at the water below. Unbeknownst to her, however, Beelzebub had snapped their fingers at their side. 

 

All at once, bubbles and fizz started to pour up, up, and out of the fountain. It turned the water a multitude of colors, and everyone around to witness was collectively losing their fucking minds. Anathema gasped in shock. Beelzebub started to laugh, tugging her hand.

 

“C’mon we gotta get out of here now, don’t we?” They asked. Anathema only nodded as the two sped off, still looking over their shoulder at the ruined fountain in all its majesty.

 

————-

 

Michael could feel the milliseconds ticking by as he worked on another form. Some Seraphim had a complaint about a fellow angel and so they had to file a form which had to go to Sandalphon to be inspected. Except Sandalphon wasn’t there. Only Michael was. The towers of sheets of paper around him we’re starting to reach Heaven’s metaphorical ceiling. It was getting ridiculous. 

 

He was snapped out of his trance by the ring of his office phone. The older model was rarely ever used, as most important messages came through to his phone. Those usually consisted of century-annual meetings with Ligur to exchange information or when Gabriel had to notify him that he was going to get his suit starched at his tailor and would always ask if Michael needed anything while he was down there. The answer was always, _always_ no. 

 

Until now. 

 

Now, Michael needed, _craved_ even, to have Anathema Device in his arms. He missed the shine of her eyes, bouncing sunlight off them like it was her job to be more radiant than it. He missed the way that when she smiled her nose would wrinkle in such an adorable way. He even missed the way she’d strut through a room with the confidence of someone who might as well be a holy divine being herself. Being with her felt like fate. Even though, now it felt more like a tainted memory. 

 

Michael answered the office phone. Before he could even speak, he recognized the voice on the other line.

 

“Metatron?” Michael questioned.

 

“Archangel Michael your presence is requested by God herself. Please report to the Heavenly throne immediately.” The line went dead. Michael’s entire body ran cold. 

 

God wanted to see him. _God_ wanted to see _him._ The first thing She calls for after- after _everything_! After Armageddon, after this fake vacation- would be an audience with Michael. 

 

Michael stood from his desk, almost robotically. Each step he took toward the long-sealed heavenly throne room felt like a step off a cliff. This was really it. This is how he Fell. Not just Fell, either. God would probably send him into the pits of Hell to be ripped up for this.

 

He stood at the entrance, a set of pearl white gates that were decorated with the finest golds in all of Heaven. They heaved as Metatron pushed them open from the inside, gesturing for Michael to step inside. 

 

Michael obeyed, walking down a very long corridor to a single, empty, golden throne at the end of a blue carpet roll. Metatron stepped in front of Michael, ready to speak to the air.

 

“ _This is fine, Metatron. Now please exit. I would like to speak to my child in peace.”_ A feminine voice spoke from nowhere called out. Metatron nodded, taking his leave. Michael immediately fell to his knees before the throne.

 

“My Lord, I beg of you, have mercy on me. I truly didn’t know what the others had plotted, I-“ He began, only to be cut off by that same voice.

 

 _“Be silent, my dear Michael. I am not angry with you in the slightest.”_ The voice cooed in the way a mother would speak to a child who had just scrapped their knee. Michael looked up at the throne.

 

“Y-You’re not?” He questioned.

 

_“No, of course not. Nor am I upset with your fellow Archangels. You know I am all-knowing and all-seeing. I anticipated their plan before they even thought of it, my child. Please, rise.”_

 

Michael slowly got back to his feet, gulping slightly. While the throne was empty, he knew God was there. She was everywhere, always. But the throne was her favorite spot.

 

_“Do you know why I summoned you, Michael?”_

 

“No, My Lord. I don’t.” Michael was honest. He hadn’t the slightest clue why the Almighty wanted to speak to _him_ directly.

 

_“The witch named Anathema Device. Great-great-great-great-great granddaughter of Agnes Nutter, prophet. You grew fond of her during your short time together, did you not?”_

 

“...Yes, I did. Forgive me, My Lord. I know it is not my place to.. to love a human in the way that humans are meant to love.” Even in this very, very terrifying moment, Anathema had been in the back of his mind. He could only imagine that Anathema, with all her pride and will, would saunter into God’s domain and chat with Her like an old friend.

 

 _“My Michael, you are misguided. I created you angels to be beings of love, and that entails the capacity to love humans as they love one another. In fact, I intended for you two to meet. Call it.. an act of fate, as you will.”_ Michael’s eyes widened. So it was true. They were meant to meet. The trip hadn’t been against God after all! That means-

 

Oh no.

 

“God, Almighty and all knowing, I have but one question for you.” Michael said. If he looked right at the throne, he swore he could see the faintest outline of a light circle floating. “How do I make things right? I- I ruined my chance with her, with Anathema.. What can I do to make it right? I love her like the stars love the sun. Like the moon loves the night. I love her so much it hurts.” That felt so good to say. 

 

_“I know you do, my child. Go forth to and reconcile with her. But be patient. She will not forgive so easily. Prove your love when you are needed most. But, be on alert. Trouble in paradise lies with those who cannot protect their loved ones.”_

 

Before Michael could even take a second to ask another question about what the _fuck_ that meant, God was silent. Michael looked around and gulped. 

 

“I gotta find her.” Michael muttered as he hurried from the throne room.

 

Next stop: Earth.

 

————

 

Beelzebub and Anathema were in Caesar's Palace once again, this time actually gambling. Anathema, being rich and drunk, was a great yet very irresponsible gambler. 

 

She had a lucky number that she always, always, _always_ bet on during roulette. That was number 23. She lived by the tower play, where if she staked it high on one number like a tower then when it hit, she’d make _big_ money. Beelzebub’s only gambling experience had been one round of black jack after Crowley ‘invented’ an at-home version to be sold in stores and brought a set down to Hell to test run it. All Beez could remember about that night was flipped tables, breaking some lesser demon’s nose in a fit of rage, and Hastur sobbing. Hastur always sobbed, though, so the rest was what out of the ordinary.

 

So far, Anathema hadn’t really hit anything. She lost about 10-grand in the hour and a half they had been there, never doubting her tower play.

 

“This isn’t gonna work.” Beelzebub said, leaning on the edge of the betting table. “You’re juzzt throwing away money.” 

 

“I got this, Bee. Watch.” Anathema said, placing a stack of black poker chips onto the number 23. 

 

Then, the ball was set on the wheel, rolling to the tune of fate’s song. Anathema was cheering the thing on to hit her number, only for it to hit 18.

 

“Ah, fuckin-!” Anathema groaned, shoving forward all the chips she lost. It made Beelzebub start laughing.

 

“Zzee what I told you? It’s not gonna hit.” They said, drinking a martini as they got a half-glare from Anathema.

 

“I _got_ this.” Anathema said. She tried her method about four more times.

 

Nothing but disappointment.

 

“Ugh!” Anathema groaned, slamming back another drink. “This is gonna work, it will if I believe!”

 

Another tower set up. Beelzebub just rolled their eyes and took a long sip as the roulette wheel spun.

 

Both of their eyes went huge the moment they saw the ball land on 23.

 

“Fuck yeah!” Anathema exclaimed, nearly falling off the stool she sat on. “Fucking told you! 50-grand baby!”

 

“You lucky zzon of a bitch!” Beez laughed, pushing back their messy matted hair. “How the heaven did you do that?” 

 

“Sometimes you just get lucky.” Anathema said as she got the ticket to go cash in her winnings. Beelzebub looked at the way she smiled and laughed at how crazy that was and felt their chest skip a beat.

 

“Yeah.. Zzometimes you do.” They smiled softly as Anathema stepped down from the stool. 

 

“Let’s get goin’ before some guy in a black suit starts trying to get me to play him in a game.” Beelzebub didn’t understand what that meant, but followed after her.

 

“Where to next?” Anathema asked.

 

“Would you.. like to just go look at the zztars? Thizz alcohol’zz zztarting to make me tired.” Beelzebub lied. They really just wanted to see the way Anathema’s smile looked under the light of the night.

 

“Ooh, the top of the coliseum is a nice spot to look at the sky.” Anathema said.

 

The two of them walked together, hands coiled together as they headed on their merry way.

 

————

 

Adam Young was sitting in bed, watching ‘ _The Godfather’_ with his friends and Dog. Crowley has said it was a classic and let the kids watch it while they weaned down for the night. 

 

He couldn’t get this sinking feeling out of his stomach. This painful, dreadful feeling he had since Anathema left the room. He was happy she was going to have fun. She deserved it. The adults wouldn’t tell them, but all of the kids knew it was because of Michael. The jerk. He didn’t deserve someone like Anathema. She was brilliant, fun, and starry-eyed. Eyes like those were too good to have tears in them.

 

Thunder cracked and Adam jumped. He swore that he heard a whisper when it cracked. 

 

‘Find her.’ The whisper called to him. He clutched at his stomach. No. It was nothing. It couldn’t be.

 

‘Find her. Find her. Find her.’ Stop. 

 

 _‘Find her, Adam. She needs you_ . _’_

 

“Stop it!” Adam cried out, making his friends turn to him. Aziraphale, Crowley, and Newt ran into the room in surprise. Newt had pieces of computer stuck in his hair.

 

“What’s wrong, Adam?” Aziraphale asked, going to the boys side.

 

“I-I.. I kept hearing a voice.” Adam said, hugging himself.

 

“Voices?” Aziraphale questioned. He hadn’t heard voices since-

 

Since before Armageddon.

 

“Adam?” Crowley asked. “What are they saying?”

 

“They.. They’re saying to find her. I think Anathema’s in danger.” Adam said. Crowley and Aziraphale turned to each other in worry.

 

“Newt, stay with the kids. We’ll be back.” Crowley said, hurrying over to put on his jacket. “If anything happens, call us immediately and keep the kids safe. Don’t let anyone in.”

 

“On it.” Newt nodded.

 

“Wait!” Adam exclaimed, crawling out of bed, nearly falling. “It told _me_ to find her! I need to go too!”

 

“If Adam’s going, so are we!” Pepper said, to which Brian and Wensleydale nodded. Dog barked in agreement.

 

“You four are staying right _here_ . Do you hear me? No one leaves, period.” Aziraphale opened the door for Crowley. “Angel and I will be back soon. Be safe and again, _do not_ open this door.”

 

And with that, they left. Adam gulped. 

 

He needed to go. He needed to help them. But how?

 

——

 

Beelzebub and Anathema were sitting together atop the Coliseum, talking as they stared out at the stars.

 

“You know, Bee.” Anathema said, propping herself up by hugging her knees. “This was a really, really cool night. I’m super glad I ran into you.”

 

“I’m glad you fell onto me.” Beelzebub said, their eyes gazing to Anathema’s mouth. Her lips looked so soft and kissable. If only they could close that gap.

 

“I haven’t had this much fun in forever. You’re really awesome.” She said.

 

“You’re a gem, Ana.” Beelzebub said. 

 

The two of them had problems they just needed to forget, even if for awhile. Anathema sure let that happen for Beelzebub. Even if, in actuality, Beelzebub’s heart had belonged to Dagon, Anathema was scooting her way in. I mean, just from her spunk alone, it was near impossible to ignore her charm. At least, that was true for Beelzebub and Michael.

 

“Im gonna do something crazy.” Beelzebub said as they scooted closer to her.

 

“Like wh-“ 

 

Beelzebub took Anathema by the hand and pulled her close. Their lips crashed into each other with all the force of a speeding train. If it happened any faster they would’ve knocked their teeth into each other. It was sloppy, messy, and reeked of booze. It was nothing like the kiss Anathema shared with Michael. At first, Anathema wasn’t quite sure what to do. She had only kissed two people previously and both of them had been soft and gentle and initiated by _her_. Being swept into a kiss wasn’t something she was accustomed to. But the rush of it? It felt like fire in her belly and she wasn’t about to let that go out. 

 

Same went for Beelzebub. Their world had been thrown out of whack by two bloody traitors and they had needed something crazy. Something buck-fucking-wild. Something that could help them forget the splitting headache that set on whenever they thought about this blasted vacation. Something like, well, spending the night with someone fun. Something like spending the night with _Anathema._ Maybe they’d need to spend more time with her. 

 

So they stayed that way, kissing at the top of the Coliseum. Beelzebub ran their hands through Anathema’s hair and tugged, getting a moan to slip past her lips. Anathema gripped at their shoulders, her fingers digging into them. Everything was all about them for that moment.

 

That was, until the sounds of angel and demon wings swirled around them and lightning struck right in front of them. They pulled apart in a panic. 

 

In front of them stood a livid Dagon and company, a group of Archangels with very blunt objects, two traitorous godfathers, and Michael.

 

All at once, the world stood still.

 

This wasn’t going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will never write anything as good as this again so relish in it. also fun fact i did twist my ankle coming off a ddr pad once


	12. Punches, Piercing, and PVC Pipes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Roman Coliseum was known for its brawls and duels. The Vegas Coliseum was no different.

There’s a moment for everyone who has ever existed where their entire lives flash in front of them. Usually, this happened whenever they were in a situation where they absolutely had no idea how things led up to where they were now. For most people this happened when your kid gets stuck in a toilet or you end up becoming an ordained minister at 2 am. 

 

It never happened when you and your new friend who you were frenching on top of a replica of the Roman Coliseum are suddenly surrounded point blank by a trio of demons, a trio of angels, your godfathers who were also supernatural beings, and your ex-girlfriend who just so happened to _also_ be an Archangel. That never happened to _anyone_ before because only Anathema Device could be so lucky to find herself in this situation. Now if only Agnes had told her _that_ maybe she wouldn’t be caught in this.

 

“Anathema!” Crowley, Aziraphale, and Michael all said at once. They gave each other a quick funny look before turning to Anathema and Beelzebub who were getting to their feet.

 

“Uncle Crowley, Uncle Zira?” Anathema called out. She ignored Michael entirely.

 

“Dagon, Ligur, Hastur.” Beelzebub greeted them sheepishly. This would be the only time that would happen, as it would be the only time they ever caught them kissing a human.

 

“Beelzebub.” Dagon growled. The two demons behind her just waved.

 

“Gabriel, Uriel, Sandalphon, Ligur, other demons.” Michael greeted.

 

“Michael!” Uriel smiled. “You’re back!”

 

“Gabriel, Uriel, Michael, the other one.” Beelzebub said. Sandalphon huffed.

 

“Slut.” Michael glared at them. He _did_ just catch them sucking face with the love of his immortal life.

 

“So is _this_ what you’ve been keeping from me!” Dagon snarled. “You're seeing some- some- human!”

 

“Dagzz, hold on before you get upset-“ Beelzebub started.

 

“Oh I'm already well past upset!” She said

 

“Hold on, _that's_ Dags?!” Anathema asked.

 

“What the _fuck_ did we fly into?” Sandalphon whispered to Gabriel who simply shook his head in confusion.

 

“What are you three doing here?” Michael looked to his fellow archangels and noticed their weaponry. “And what are _those_ for?”

 

Uriel lifted up the pipe in their hands and positioned it like a baseball bat nestled into their shoulder, ready to strike.

 

“It’s so we can kill _her_ and take her up to Heaven so you can stop being mad at us!” Uriel said this in a way that, to a normal person, would sound crazy coming out of their own mouth. Too bad Uriel and their associates weren’t normal.

 

“Excuse me!” Anathema blinked and looked at Michael in surprise. “You have a hit squad out for me?!”

 

“No I would- I didn’t ask for them to do that!” Michael shouted. “Anathema listen to me-“ He started to step forward. Anathema clenched her fists tight and glared at him.

 

“That’s the duplizzit bitch you were complaining about at the bar? _Archangel Michael_ ?!” Beelzebub looked to Anathema for answers. They were just wondering how the bloody _fuck_ that romantic equation happened. 

 

“Yeah, I hate him and never want to see him again because he broke up with me over a fucking _text message!_ ” The entire Coliseum’s sensible beings, Anathema, Beelzebub, Aziraphale, and Crowley, they all collectively gave Michael this flash-moment look of ‘Wow.’

 

“That’s what im here for!” Michael yelled. “To apologize!” Anathema only ignored him more and turned to her godfathers.

 

“Anathema what on God’s green Earth were you doing kissing the Prince of Hell?” Aziraphale asked. Anathema snapped her neck between him and Beelzebub in shock.

 

“I’d like to know that too, Beelzebub!” Dagon growled.

 

“I’m sorry, you’re what?” Anathema questioned. Beelzebub averted their eyes. “Wow I’m too drunk for this.”

 

“Hey, hey!” Crowley shouted, gathering everyone’s attention as he did little jazz hands to get their eyes over there. “There’s a lot going on right now, and we’re just here to pick up our goddaughter. And _you_.” He pointed directly at Michael. “Had best get the Hell out of here before I rip your wings off and shove them down your windpipe for hurting her feelings! Same goes for you three idiots with the PVC pipes!”

 

“Again, I'm here to apologize!” Michael said. “Anathema I know I was wrong!”

 

“Yeah, no kidding.” Anathema retorted, her words full of venom. “Save it, Michael! I’m not interested in anything you have to tell me!” Deep down, that was a lie. But she was pissed, so wouldn’t you respond the same way?

 

“You don’t understand, Anathema. I had thought I was going against God, being here, but she spoke to me! Told me it was ok! That we were meant to meet!” Michael’s tone seemed to soften with every word and with every step he took forward. “I can’t take back what I did, but I want to try again, please! I love you!” The others were silent for a moment. His fellow archangels looked as though they had witnessed a murder. Aziraphale and Crowley turned to one another with surprise, then back to the scene before them. The demons even seemed taken back at the Archangel’s declaration. This was.. This was something none of them expected to see on vacation.

 

“You..” Anathema started to shake, lowering her head. Tears started to drip down.

 

“Ana?” Beelzebub asked, touching her arm. Dagon bared her teeth, ready to snap at any moment.

 

“You.. really think..” Anathema raised her head back up to face Michael. Tears were streaming down her face. “You really think you can just waltz back into my life the _moment_ I start enjoying myself again and say you love me and are only here because God _told_ you you were meant to?!” Her voice echoed off the Coliseum into the night sky, as if she was trying to address God herself. “If she hadn’t said anything would you have never tried again?! Would you even claim to love me?! I won’t have that kind of bullshit, Michael! I’ve lived my whole _life_ being told what was meant to happen and I won’t take it anymore! Not from you, not from Agnes, and most certainly _not_ from God! Fuck that, fuck you, and fuck them!” 

 

A human cursing the name of God with poison-soaked words made all the supernatural beings somewhat terrified that God would smite her then and there. But that didn’t happen. Anathema Device just stood there, hate in her eyes, tears on her cheeks, and an aura as red as the burning sunset. Michael dared to step forward.

 

“Anathema please..” He said. 

 

Beelzebub was so dumbfounded to see all of this unraveling before their eyes, but what caught their attention most was Anathema, never moving. Humans were terrifyingly strong willed. Anathema was no exception. But this? Screaming at an archangel _and_ insulting God while in a very likely position to get murdered by other archangels? That was more than strong will, that was _crazy_. Beelzebub liked crazy. 

 

“Back off wank-wingzz.” They said putting an arm in front of Anathema. Her eyes softened slightly when she looked over at Beelzebub’s gestur. This only made Dagon more furious and Ligur and Hastur more scared. The two of them had no idea what to say or do in this situation, so they just held onto each other. 

 

“You stay out of this, demon!” Michael hissed. “You couldn’t possibly know what I feel for her!” 

 

“What I know izz you’re a git and zzelf-entitled! You hurt her!” Beelzebub, they would never admit it out loud, had some semblance of social decency. They knew what constituted as rude behavior and what was a bastard move. Those were things archangels in particular didn’t know how to comprehend. Spending the night with a human who they grew fond of didn’t help their now demonically-rebellious vigilante actions where they willingly put themself between a mortal woman with a sailor’s mouth and too much hubris, and Archangel _Fucking_ Michael. It was like they knew what compassion and empathy was.

 

Crowley and Aziraphale were just watching, wondering how the _fuck_ Anathema got herself into a, dare they say, love triangle with two of their former bosses. Crowley was going to need scotch. A lot of scotch.

 

“I had to let her go, at the time I didn’t know-“

 

“Know or not you don’t break up with zzzomeone over a text message! I learned that in the few hourzz I’ve zzpent with her tonight!” Beelzebub stepped between a now much closer Michael and Anathema. “Listen to the traitorzzz and bugger off if you know what’zz good for you.”

 

“Or what? You’ll discorperate me?” Michael said. Everyone watching was ready to jump in at the slightest movement. The demons had also miracled themselves heavy objects to throw any which way necessary. Crowley and Aziraphale looked ready to bolt in and grab Anathema at the drop of a feather.

 

“No, they won’t.” Anathema said, her eyes locking with Michael’s. That same fire was there like it always had been. “But I will.”

 

**_Slam!_ **

 

Anathema’s fist made contact with Archangel Michael’s face and sent him stumbling onto his back. Guess the witch really _was_ ripped.

 

Uriel was the first one to jump in to defend him, swinging at Anathema and Beelzebub. Luckily the two dodged as fast as Uriel had come in. This spiraled into Dagon rushing in to hit Uriel, who dodged and had Sandalphon and Gabriel come in to help. After that, Ligur and Hastur came in to hit the angels too. 

 

Everyone currently fighting, save for Beelzebub and Michael, was also trying to get a lick in on Anathema for their own reasons. Uriel and the other Archangels were trying to hit her because of that sick right hook she gave to Michael. Dagon was trying to bite her head off due to finding, again, her sucking face with Beelzebub. Ligur and Hastur were going after her because if they didn’t, Dagon would go after them.

 

Crowley and Aziraphale were staring at the fight before them with panic, trying to find Anathema in the mess. They spotted her dodging a hit from Sandalphon and knocking Hastur off his balance.

 

“I’m going in, you grab Ana.” Crowley said as he ran into the thick of it. Aziraphale ran after him quickly. 

 

Crowley did his best to dodge a hit from Gabriel and deflect Ligur, punching Uriel right in the nose. Being a snake gave him a lot of advantages, including knowing when to strike and how to slink between attacks.

 

Aziraphale, who seemed to be the only pacifist there, dodged as many hits as he could as he made his way over to Anathema, who now had Gabriel in a headlock and was continuously punching him. 

 

“Ana, let’s get out of here! This is ridicu-“ Aziraphale dodged a swing of a plastic pipe coming from Sandalphon as quick as possible. “-Lous!!” 

 

“They started it!” Anathema whined, trying to stop a struggling Gabriel from breaking out of her grip.

 

“They most certainly didn’t!” Aziraphale said.

 

“They started it by being them!”

 

“Let go of me, you-!” He was cut off by a kick to the gut from Beelzebub, groaning in pain. Anathema then dropped him on his face.

 

“I’ve alwayzz wanted to do that!” Beelzebub laughed. Anathema high fived them. Aziraphale was a little shaken by how chummy _Lord Beelzebub_ and her had seemed. 

 

“Look out, Bee!” Anathema shouted as Uriel came in to hit with their pipe. She pushed Beelzebub out of the way and used her arms to block the hit. That shit hurt a lot. Like, _a lot_ a lot. It definitely broke at least one bone.

 

“You bitch!” Uriel growled. “Michael tried to reconcile with you and you punched him in the face!”

 

“Yeah, duh, wouldn’t you?” Anathema hissed as she dodged another hit. Aziraphale grabbed her out of the way of Gabriel who got up and tried to swing. 

 

“Let’s get out of here, Crowley!” Aziraphale called out. Crowley dodged a hit from Dagon as he turned to look to his angel and goddaughter. While his back was turned, he got knocked upside the head by Ligur.

 

“Uncle Crowley!” Anathema yelled. She growled and squirmed out of the arms of Aziraphale, who had a new flame in his eyes. “Two weapons?”

 

“Way ahead of you, my dear.” Aziraphale already had two metal poles in his hands. He handed one to Anathema and they started swinging.

 

Seems like this fight was far from over.

 

————-

 

Newt was doing his best to keep four antsy, paranoid children under control while he himself was an antsy, paranoid child.

 

Adam was pacing around the kitchenette, Dog following him, whining and whimpering the entire way.

 

“Adam, you’re gonna make grooves in the floor.” Pepper said, kicking her legs against the side of the couch as she sat on the arm of it. Brian and Wensleydale sat with her, watching him.

 

“I’m scared, Pep. They’ve been gone a whole half hour. They should’ve found her by now..” Adam muttered. “I should’ve gone.”

 

“No, you shouldn’t of, Adam.” Newt said, picking Adam off the floor. He huffed, going ragdoll limp for a second before Newt took him and sat him on the couch beside the others. “You four don’t worry, they’re adults. They’ll be back soon.”

 

Pepper elbowed Adam slightly. “We’re escaping aren’t we?” She whispered. Adam nodded.

 

“Dog, go distract Newt for me.” Adam whispered to the little pup who wagged his tail in excitement. 

 

Dog took off bolting for the kitchen table where Newt’s nearly completed phone had been sitting under a lamp’s light, still missing pieces. In a moment that, if you blinked you’d miss it, Dog jumped onto the table, grabbed the phone in his jaw, and took off speeding into the bedroom on the very opposite end of the room. 

 

Newt felt his entire world halt as his body started bolting after the dog who was running around with his _one_ hobby like it was a chew toy! 

 

He chased Dog through the entire double-suite like they were part of an old-fashioned cartoon. The Them sat and watched for a moment before all standing up from the couch.

 

“Alright, everyone hold hands.” Adam said, taking Pepper and Brian’s hands. “I’m gonna try and teleport us to where the others are.”

 

“You can teleport?” Brian asked as Wensleydale got ahold of his other hand.

 

“I mean, I can do a lot of things.” Adam shrugged. “Teleporting might as well be one of them.”

 

“Be careful, I don’t want to lose my torso when we jump between places.” Pepper said.

 

“I don’t think that’s how teleportation works, Pep.” Wensleydale added.

 

“Sure it is. At least, that’s kind of what I remember from ‘ _A Wrinkle In Time_ ’.” She said.

 

“Ok, let’s go.” Adam took a deep breath, shut his eyes, and tried very hard to all of a sudden summon up a possible power he may not even have. He mostly thought of how people in movies teleported, focusing on who or where you want to be, and applied that. Adam wanted to be with his godfathers. He wanted to be with Anathema. 

 

In half a second, the four of them were gone. In that same moment, Dog dropped the phone and went to lay down on the couch. Newt, having just exercised more in those twenty seconds then he had in his whole life, gripped the chair at the table for support as he caught his breath. It took another five seconds for him to realize that the four kids he was tasked to keep safe at all costs were gone. 

 

Oh, how desperately he needed a nap.

 

—————

 

Adam had felt the cool night breeze hit his face and knew they were there. When he opened his demonic-looking eyes to the sights of a reckless brawl going on on top of the replica coliseum, he tried to make sense of it. What the hell was going on?

 

“There they are!” Pepper let go of Adam’s hand and pointed to where Aziraphale and Crowley were back to back facing off against Hastur and Gabriel respectively, while Anathema was trying to get a swing in at Michael who only dodged, never trying to hit her. 

 

Adam’s breathing started to slow as he watched every swing of metal and every blunt object impact someone’s skull or shin or side. He could feel his heart pounding out of his chest as his sweat started to run cold. His family was in danger, _again._

 

But this time, he realized, he was here to help.

 

“Cover your ears.” Adam let go of his friends and took two steps forward. When all three of them did as instructed, he took a deep breath. 

 

When he opened his mouth again an ear piercing, world-rumbling scream erupted from his very core. The fight skid to a halt as everyone dropped their weapons and clutched at their heads in pain. He didn’t scream long, only enough for things to settle and for all eyes to turn to him. 

 

Adam Young, 11 and a half years old, stood beneath the night sky like a shadow, his red pupils shining through the darkness. The wind rustled around him, making his brown curls dance a somber step. The forces of Heaven and Hell stood in horror and awe, as they were face to face with the Antichrist, the once-prophesied destroyer of worlds, king of darkness, and professional Armageddon-ender, and he did _not_ look happy.

 

The only ones not trembling with fear would be those from his own side. Crowley, Aziraphale, and Anathema looked at the boy that to them was just Adam Young, lead outdoors game maker and junior conspiracy theorist. Crowley smiled.

 

“Hey kid.” He said. “Thanks for the save.” 

 

Adam sniffled. He wouldn’t cry, Lord, no he wouldn’t cry, not in front of his friends. But he did run to the open arms of Crowley and Aziraphale, who engulfed him in a hug. Hastur and Gabriel watched this display happen as though it was all a dream.

 

“Thizz.. Thizz iz what i’ve been hiding, Dagzz.” Beelzebub muttered to Dagon, who was barely off the floor, bleeding from her nose and face. “The Antichrizzt remainzz and wishezz to protect them. I didn’t want to ruin your vacation with fear.”

 

“Oh.. I get it now. Because I am rather freaked.” Dagon whispered.

 

“Can someone _please_ fill us in on what is going on up here?” Pepper called out.

 

“Will do in a jiff, Pep.” Anathema said, cracking her knuckles. “Maybe we should all.. sit down and talk.”

 

“Yes, I think that would be-“ Michael started only to be cut off by Anathema.

 

“Not you. I’m still mad.” Anathema said. Michael zipped his lip quite quickly.

 

As everything started to settle, the Earth started to quiver, then tumble, then riot. The ground was not steady in the slightest. Cars in the streets below all began to ring out like screams. The glass on buildings began to break as the wind kicked up in a fury. Craters and fault lines were split like loose seams through the streets. Everyone started to fall over and nearly roll off the coliseum.

 

“What’s going on?!” Aziraphale cried out as he held onto his husband and Adam.

 

“Fuck if I know!” Crowley said.

 

Things, almost immediately, came to a full-stop. Adam trembled, feeling the energy around him swell.

 

“It’s him.” Adam said, his voice shaking. “He’s awake.”

 

“Who is?” Aziraphale questioned.

 

“Satan.” Adam gulped. “I think he heard me.”

 

“Oh, _fuck.”_ Everyone who had been in the thick of the fight said at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man I love cliffhangers


	13. Pockets and Powers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satan’s awake, now what do we do?

Heaven and Hell had never seen eye to eye. That was kind of their whole  _ thing _ . They were eternally opposing forces who hated the other side so much that they were ready to decimate God’s finest and most favored creations at the drop of a hat just so one of them could have bragging rights. 

 

But in this moment, when the ex-not-technically-ex-Antichrist stood there, shaken down to the very center of his being, and proclaimed that  _ Lucifer “Satan” Morningstar, _ King of Hell and Ruler of the Damned, had one: been sleeping since Armageddon’t, and two: Was now up and rattling the earth like it was a maraca, they all felt one similar thing. Pure, unbridaled terror. Heaven in the case that it was  _ Satan. _ Hell, however, was more terrified that  _ Satan  _ chose to come up. He only did that once before. We all know what happened to him then.

 

Hastur was screaming, clutching to Ligur like he did in most situations. This time, his screams were curdled by his fear and sounded like nails on a chalkboard. 

 

Gabriel was dialing head office trying to get ahold of God, of Metatron, of  _ anyone _ . Nothing. No responses. No one even picked up the line.

 

“We need to go back. Now.” Gabriel turned to his fellow archangels who shared his look of panic. He tried to teleport there. He needed to get the heavenly army ready. He needed to get somewhere safe! 

 

He couldn’t move. The gates of Heaven had been closed. 

 

“I-I can’t teleport!” Sandalphon exclaimed in fear.

 

“Neither can I!” Uriel said.

 

“Maybe we should head back to Hell before Satan realizes we were gone?” Dagon whispered to Beelzebub who nodded. When they tried to descend down, they also were met with resistance. Not Hell’s gates too!

 

“Oh no.” Beelzebub gulped. “Thizzz izz bad.”

 

“We’re stuck.” Michael blinked, realizing what was going on. “Something’s blocking both of the gates.” 

 

“Well we need to unblock them  _ now! _ ” Gabriel said. His attention snapped to the little ineffable family. “You! Antichrist!” He walked over as fast as possible. “Fix this, quick!”

 

“I-I don’t know what to do! Besides, you’re prats, I shouldn’t help you!” Adam said, tugging on his Uncle Aziraphale’s side. “You tried to kill my godfathers! And the one with the stupid hair hurt Anathema’s feelings!” 

 

“See Adam this is why you’re a great kid. You stand by me.” Anathema said putting an arm around Adam’s shoulder. She was also fucking scared out of her mind right now but what good was showing that when she had a point to make?

 

“Anathema, dear, we love you and support you in every decision you make but the world is  _ ending.”  _ Crowley said. “Adam, can you feel where it’s all coming from? Maybe we can get a jump on your ol’ man and take him out like last time?” Adam tried to concentrate, but only shook his head.

 

“The energy is too strong. I can't tell where he’s at from here.” Adam said. Crowley cursed under his breath and shakingly ran his hands through his hair trying to think.

 

“Ok, ok. We’re just gonna have to.. fuck, Angel what do we do?” He turned to his husband who gulped.

 

“W-Well, let’s think now. Satan didn’t show up to face Adam, and the ground is splitting around here so he’s on this continent.” Aziraphale stated. While not wrong, it wasn’t very helpful.

 

“Great, great, perfect. Now we search the entire North Americas for a  _ giant red demon _ with limited time on our hands! Very smart plan, Aziraphale!” Gabriel groaned and got only death glares from Crowley and Anathema.

 

“I’ll hit you again pretty boy, don’t even test me.” Anathema said while punching her left hand with a tight fist. Gabriel had to admit for a mortal, she hit really hard.

 

“Look if we’re gonna stop this perhaps we should, Heaven forgive me for even saying this, work together?” Michael suggested something that made everyone who was just trying to beat the shit out of each other look at him like he was crazy.

 

“What makes you think we wanna stop this, wank-wings?” Ligur said, stepping forward. “This is  _ our _ lord we’re talkin’ about.”

 

“You can’t get back into Hell. If he destroys the Earth, he’ll destroy you too.” Michael said. “Think about that one, dipshit.”

 

“...Maybe you got a point.” Ligur gulped at the thought of dying  _ again.  _ The first time was not really pleasant.

 

“Oh c’mon now, Mike, be reasonable!” Gabriel said. “We can’t work with demons and especially not  _ them!”  _ He pointed at the family who had a side of their own. “We know how well that went last time!”

 

“What other choice do we have, Gabe?” Uriel said, going to Michael’s side. “I’m with him.” Michael smiled softly before turning to Crowley, Aziraphale, Adam, Anathema, and the other children.

 

“Will you help?” He asked.

 

“What kind of a stupid question is that?” Crowley said “No, we’ll just let the world we tried so hard to protect fall to ruin not even a year later. Of course we’re going to help!” He leaned over to one side slightly to look past the angels before him. “Oi, Beezy and the gits, you in or what?” 

 

“I zzuppozze I’d rather live to zee myzzelf take down you blazzted Angelzzz than have Lord Zzatan do it for me.” Beelzebub walked forward, arms crossed. “Bezzidezz. My new friend taught me a little thing called ‘teamwork’ when we threw bathbombzz into that big fountain. Zzo if zzzhes in, I am too.” 

 

“Aw, Bee.” Anathema smiled and put a hand over her heart as a small gesture. “We are real friends now, huh?”

 

“Yeah, we’re gonna have a talk about that later but for  _ right now,  _ we need to get our bearings and try to figure out where this is coming from.” Crowley said. “Hope everyone can still fly because we’re going to our hotel to get our squirrel of a godson and the hellhound.”

 

“You think he looks like a squirrel too?” Anathema questioned.

 

“Of course I do, dear, everyone does.” 

 

———

 

Newt opened the door to the hotel the moment he heard a loud ‘bang!’ from the outside. It wasn’t like the kids were here to protect. He expected the worst because it wasn’t like he could protect himself against whatever was trying to get in.

 

What he got was something much more.. strange. As his family and more than half a dozen other beings just entered the hotel room. Some of which included the Angels that Newt had desperately tried to outrun the entire trip, even know none of them really knew who he was.

 

Once Crowley and Aziraphale filled him in on the situation, he sat down and started working on the phone again. Before either of them could ask what he was doing, he simply raised a hand and told them that he was coping. They both got it.

 

Anathema paced around the room of tense supernatural beings all nestled together in a hotel room as random spikes of tremors and thunder cracked outside.

 

“So all of the other demons just- disappeared?” Anathema said. “Like up and left?”

 

“We’re the only onezzz here still. They muzt’ve fled the moment they heard the Antichrist’s screech.” Beelzebub sighed, sitting on the couch, legs spread because it was second nature to do so.

 

“Great, great so our army consists of five humans, five angels, five demons, one Antichrist, and a hellhound.” Anathema stopped in place. “I mean, last time all we needed was Adam to scream at Satan. We can do this. We just need to be smart.” She looked at everyone in the room and saw Gabriel, who was messing with a clap-on light like it was the most enthralling thing in the world.

 

“You, Archangel Himbo.” Anathema said, walking over to him. “I was raised catholic so I know that you’re supposed to be like, a messenger. Don’t you have anyone on your call list we can ask if they’ve seen a huge red demon?” 

 

“We had  _ one  _ Earth operative and he’s standing over there, arms around a demon, making a cup of cocoa!” Gabriel exclaimed, gesturing to where Aziraphale stood in the kitchen. Sure enough one arm was around Crowley’s waist and the other was on a mug of cocoa.

 

“Wow that’s such terrible planning from your end, not gonna lie.” Anathema taking a huge breath. “Ok. Anyone else have any ideas?” 

 

“We can’t use miracles. We barely could fly! We can only do this the way a human would!” Uriel said. “And last time I checked, humans can’t find  _ demons _ easily.”

 

“Well there has to be something!” Anathema retorted.

 

As everyone started to discuss any other possibilities, Adam walked into the bedroom to go through his clothes. He wanted to get changed because now his shirt was full of tears and mucus from when he ran up to his godfathers. 

 

He tugged out the  _ ‘Mamma Mia!’  _ T-shirt he had bought in New York and quickly put it on after removing his other one. As he was tucking his dirty shirt into the laundry bag, he spotted a book on the desk by the window. It was Uncle Aziraphale’s vacation book over the best spots to visit in the States. He looked at it and bit his lip. Satan was here for a reason, wasn’t he? He wouldn’t just start rampaging after being woken up for no reason. Maybe he was somewhere with some kind of importance. Or maybe he was sightseeing. But, for some reason, Adam didn’t think the ladder was very likely.

 

He picked the book up and flipped through the pages. World’s biggest rubber band ball? No. Mount Rushmore? No. Mall of America? No. No. No. 

 

He flipped to the very end of the book and saw a particular entry, written in gold ink. 

 

“Purgatory Diner. Address: 555 Paradise Lane Long Beach, California.” Adam muttered. He looked up the moment he heard footsteps shuffling into the room and hid the book behind his back. 

 

“Adam, you alright in ‘ere?” Crowley asked, knocking on the doorframe and peering over to Adam, who was practically standing in the corner of the room, arms to his back. “C’mon now, you and the others need to lay down. It’s far past your bedtime. If we come up with anything we’ll let you know.” 

 

“Gimme a moment and I'll be right there, ok?” Adam said, to which Crowley nodded in response. He walked back out the door. In that small window of time he had, Adam reopened the book and ripped out the final page, folding it up and putting it in his pocket. He then followed Crowley back out.

 

Aziraphale had made everyone a cup of cocoa, running the supply he had brought with him completely dry. But, he thought that in a time like this it was best to just let it be. He could pick up more once he got home. Everyone took the cup because, after everything, they needed something. Anathema especially because she was already starting to get a wicked headache.

 

“I’m off to bed.” Adam announced.

 

“Sleep good, kid.” Anathema said, ruffling his hair as he passed by. He chuckled a bit.

 

“Hold on, why does  _ he  _ get to go to bed?” Sandalphon questioned. “He started this whole issue.”

 

“Sandy has a point.” Gabriel said. Crowley rolled his eyes, unseen by the others thanks to his glasses.

 

“No he doesn’t. Besides, Antichrist or not, kid’s still a kid. And he’s  _ our  _ kid. So shut up and don’t tell us how to raise a child.” Crowley took Adam and his friends to their suite and tucked them all in while Gabriel just turned to Aziraphale with a confused look that only made him chuckle.

 

“Crowley’s always been the more schedule-based godparent than I have.” 

 

“Ok focus, pe- everyone.” Anathema stopped herself before calling them ‘people’, one of them might be too thick to realize it was a saying. “I think I have an idea for how we can beat Satan’s ass.” She ran to the other bedroom and shortly after emerged with a book in hand. “Anyone got any chalk on them?”

 

“‘Ere.” Hastur said, handing Anathema a broken stick of chalk from his pocket. She wasn’t going to question why he had it or why it looked like it had been bitten. 

 

She quickly started drawing inscriptions in a circle on the hotel floor, muttering something that sounded like ancient Latin. Her tutoring sessions with Crowley were really paying off!

 

As she drew the final line, the circle started to glow a shade of green. Anathema stood up from the ground and opened up her hand, chalk still in it.

 

In a flash, the chalk started to quiver, shiver, and shake, before erupting into a green flame that rested in her palm. Anathema started to toss it up and down, up and down like it was a baseball.

 

“Ah! So she  _ does  _ have witch powers!” Aziraphale whispered to himself.

 

“What in God’s holy name  _ is  _ that?” Gabriel said as he, like an idiot, went to try and touch the fire before getting pulled back by Sandalphon.

 

“I’m a witch, remember?” Anathema said. “I’ve studied the arts since  _ birth,  _ I know how to activate  _ real _ spells.” You see, a long, long time ago when God made witches, she gifted them a small bit of her power. This power, while once angelic, has morphed and twisted through the generations into becoming something more human. It was like how you got a teacup chihuahua from a wolf. The process is there, it’s just a very long one. “The only problem is once this hits anything it’s done for. So I’m gonna need about.. five cases worth of chalk.” 

 

“Also got that.” Hastur said, opening one of the pockets to reveal a  _ lot _ of chalk. “Best not use it all. M’ favorite snack.” 

 

“I.. wouldn’t dream of it.” Anathema said awkwardly as she took a few handfuls from him.

 

“So wait,  _ you  _ plan to face Satan? Anathema, that’s a suicide mission.” Michael said as he went over to her side to place a hand on her shoulder, which she violently shrugged off.

 

“Yeah, well, we don’t got any other choices. I’m not letting Adam go through this again.” Anathema said, shoving chalk into her pocket. “Besides, it’s my own dumb fault for getting involved.” Those words stung Michael a bit. He knew she meant getting involved with  _ him _ . He watched as Anathema went back to the room to collect a few more books. “I can try to locate him, but it might take some-.” She let out a deep yawn from her chest “Time.”

 

“Ana, you must remember you’re mortal too.” Aziraphale said, walking over to her side. “You’re in no condition to do this now.”

 

“I have to. It’s all we can count on.” Anathema tried to push now more yawns. It had been a mentally, physically, and emotionally draining day, but she tried to push forward. Aziraphale helped her stay still before she fell over

 

“Rest, my dear.” Aziraphale said. “We seem to have some time. You regain some strength and we’ll pick up where we left off in the morning. Crowley, help Ana to bed, won’t you?”

 

“On it. C’mon, wicked witch of the waste. Let’s get you comfortable.” Crowley said, tugging Anathema gently enough to not make her stumble but forceful enough to show Michael he was  _ not  _ to be near her. 

 

Michael frowned as he watched her go, slowly going back over to sit beside Uriel at the edge of the windowsill. Uriel put a single hand on his shoulder and squeezed a little.

 

“Well, now that we have a plan on how to fight Satan, now we just need to find where he is.” Gabriel said, clasping his hands together.

 

Adam listened to the chatter from the other room as he pretended to sleep on the bed. Anathema was really ready to square up against  _ Satan  _ for his sake? He couldn’t let her do that! She’d get killed, or somehow worse.. 

 

He pulled the torn page from his pocket and stared at it. 

 

California, huh..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! It’s a birthday chapter! Happy 19th birthday to me :-) (I just wanted to say thank y’all so much your kind words and support mean the world to me)


	14. Passwords and Purple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam meets an old familiar face in a new place. Everyone else? They need to find him.

Morning’s light broke through the windows and hit Anathema’s face. Miraculously, she had only a mild headache instead of the pounding, throbbing kind she should’ve had, all things considered. The worst part instead was the pain in her arm from where a bone was most definitely fractured at minimum and fully broken at max.

 

She squinted her eyes and rolled out of bed like it was any other day. She took her glasses from the bedside table and stretched, instinctively reaching to mess with her once-long hair, only to feel the tips of her fresh cut.

 

“Oh, right.” Anathema thought as she went to the doorway connecting the bedroom to the living room. “Morning, guys.”

 

When she opened her eyes again and saw the forces of Heaven and Hell sitting on the floor of their hotel room, eating room service breakfast, she realized all the things she thought must’ve been some wild drunken dream had turned out to actually be real.

 

“Ah, Anathema. I hope you slept well, dear.” Aziraphale said, walking over with a plate of eggs and bacon in hand. “We ordered breakfast. Here’s your plate.” 

 

“Thank you.” Anathema said, taking the plate from her godfather. “Any update on the uh.. situation?”

 

“Nothing so far.” He said. “The tremors calmed down as of five this morning. Since then, nothing.” 

 

“We should be panicking.” Hastur commented, his mouth half full of waffles soaked in maple syrup. “Lord Satan’s not known to have a quiet fury.”

 

“Yes, well, until we can find the location at hand not much we can do.” Crowley said, sipping a cup of black coffee.

 

The forces of good and evil all nodded in semi-agreement. He wasn’t wrong, but it felt weird and wrong agreeing with people who were meant to try and kill you and vice versa.

 

“Ana.” Newt said, walking over, a screwdriver in hand and the phone in the other. “Are you doing alright, after last night?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I am. Arm’s still little-“ She hissed as she moved her left arm slightly. “Tense.” You see during the fight, Uriel’s blow to Anathema’s arm definitely broke some bone. However at the time, she was too hyped up on adrenaline and alcohol to notice. Now, sober and calm, it felt like hell. Ironic isn’t it?

 

“You might need to see a doctor..”

 

“What do I tell them? An angel-attack squad came after me?” Anathema stared over at Uriel and Sandalphon who turned their heads to the side quickly to avoid locking eyes with her gaze. “I’ll just try to heal it with magic. All I can do at the moment.”

 

“Alright, but we’re going to get it checked after all this.. thing blows over.” He tried to find the right words. This wasn’t like Armageddon by any means. There was no horsemen, no nuclear war, not even an angry Antichrist causing tornadoes and rain and rings of Hellfire. Instead, now, there was only silence. This was something completely unlike the last world-saving adventure the two of them went on together.

 

“Hopefully that’ll be soon.” Anathema muttered. “How’s your little contraption?”

 

“Ah, afraid I can’t figure out the last piece. Everything else seems to be in working order.” Newt said. “Was ‘bout to crack it open now and try to find any missing or randomly loose bits.”

 

“Have fun with that, Newt. I’m sure you’ll get it.” Anathema gave him a hopeful smile as she took her plate toward the kitchenette/breakfast nook combo that the room had. It’s current inhabitants had been Beelzebub and Crowley.

 

“Morning, pet.” Crowley said before taking another sip of his drink.

 

“Zzzalutationzz, Ana.” Beelzebub said through a mouthful of cranberry orange muffin.

 

“Morning Bee. Hi Uncle.” Anathema waved using her non-fucked up arm and looked down at her eggs. “So.. Bee. We really did all of that last night?”

 

“We did.” They nodded. “I’m azz zzurprizzed azz you. I’m not uzzually one to have.. relationzzz with humanzz.” Crowley choked on his coffee at the way both of them chose to word that conversation.

 

“Woah, woah, woah now! You didn’t-“ He didn’t even wanna bear thinking what they could possibly mean, let alone say it out loud. “If you did anything like that to my goddaughter I swear I will-“ Both Anathema and Beelzebub started to laugh, unable to keep a straight face at Crowley’s sheer panic.

 

“Uncle, relax. No, we didn’t do  _ that _ . We just.. You see..” 

 

“We flooded the Bellagio fountain with bubblezzz.” Beelzebub said, finishing the last pierce of muffin in their mouth. “Abzzolutely dezzimated it.”

 

“Yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time.” Anathema half-chuckled fuzzily recalling the looks on people’s faces when they smelled lavender and saw bubbles erupting from the fountain. Crowley clutched at his heart in relief.

 

“Anathema, you’re killing me. You’re killing your godfather. Is that what you want?” He asked getting up from the chair. 

 

“If only.” Beelzebub said only semi-joking, plopping their head down into their right hand which was up on its elbow resting on the table. 

 

Beelzebub and Anathema Device, while both of them being of not entirely opposite worlds, seemed to get along quite well. Alcohol can help you get along with really anyone if you have enough of it. That was one of its key functions. However, it was not supposed to let feelings linger through the drunken haze of the night before.

 

This was a problem for Lord Beelzebub, who was not meant to feel these kind of things for a  _ human. _ Angels, according to God herself, are wired to love all of her creations and may love in a multitude of ways. Demons, while not ones for mushy gushy feelings  _ most  _ of the time, are of the same original stock. So perhaps it’s not 100% off that Beelzebub, after a long night of bonding, partying, and fighting alongside the fireball of a woman that was Anathema, still felt similar soft, warm feelings that initiated the previous night’s scuffle. However, Beelzebub didn’t know this. 

 

“You know, when all of this is over, maybe we could go get another drink together. Less hardcore though. More casual.” Anathema said, twirling her fork around a bare piece of the plate. 

 

“I’d.. I'd like that. We can make a day of it. Get dinner, or zzomething.” Beelzebub agreed. Anathema smiled softly. 

 

“Sounds fun.”

 

From across the room, Michael and Dagon were standing against the wall grumbling at how chummy the two were. Michael held a plate of crepes stuffed with boysenberries and blueberries while Dagon had a pile of honey-ham and toast covered in pockets of melted ricotta. Michael shouldn’t be mad at Anathema. And he wasn’t, he was more mad that in her hour of need it was a  _ demon _ who comforted her. Michael could handle another human, but demons were different. And now look at them. They already had been caught making out together, now planning dinner? One more activity after that and they would be on the same level Anathema and Michael had been! 

 

Dagon was more upset at both of them. Before it was being upset at Beelzebub for lying, but now it was for not trusting Dagon  _ and  _ for hooking up with a human. If that girl had even  _ touched  _ Beelzebub in anyway below the belt, Dagon swore she’d bite her head off. 

 

“Look at ‘em. Vile.” Dagon huffed. “Why don’t you control your human? She’s riding up on my lord.”

 

“She’s not- Silence, demon. God has instructed me to be patient with her. You should’ve kept  _ your  _ lord from fraternizing with her.” 

 

“Seems a bit high and mighty of you to say when you couldn’t even do that yourself.” 

 

Michael resisted the urge to grab Dagon by the collar and throw her from the window. They had bigger fish to fry and the oil was bubbling. This wasn’t the time to turn on each other. 

 

The door from the children’s bedroom slammed open as Pepper, Wensleydale, and Brian ran into the living room at full speed over to the only adults they respected, screaming a medley of things. Dog followed after, barking up a storm.

 

“Kids, what’s wrong?” Crowley asked as he put down his mug. “One at a time!”

 

“It’s Adam! He’s missing!” Pepper said.

 

“There’s just pillows in his bed!” Wensleydale said.

 

“The windows broken open too!” Brian added.

 

“What?!” Crowley and Aziraphale exclaimed, rushing to the room. Everyone followed after them like a school of fish. 

 

Sure enough, in Adam’s bed there was only two pillows arranged to look like a sleeping body and the window in the room had been pried fully open and the screen broken. Aziraphale and Crowley turned to each other before they ran to the window. There was a rope made from extra sheets that lead down to a tree. From there, it was a few leaps to the parking lot. 

 

“Crowley. Wasn’t your Bentley parked right there?” Aziraphale asked as he pointed to an empty spot below where yes, infact, Crowley had parked the car when they drove in.

 

“Yep.” Crowley nodded.

 

“It’s not there now.” 

 

“I see that. Oh that boy is in  _ so  _ much trouble.”

 

————

 

Adam hadn’t really thought out a fully-developed plan. All he did have planned was to somehow get to California as quickly as possible. Now, no one was going to let a child on a bus by himself. Nor was walking an option. So, he had to do a little demonic convincing in order to get the car to start as he had no idea how it worked. Same went for driving it. So if you were to look inside, you’d see a boy much too small to be in the driver seat either sleeping or staring outside as the car drove itself, the hum of Queen’s best songs audible from behind the window.

 

Adam watched as the scenery around him changed, from night to day, from desert to forest. It was almost crazy how the U.S. was so different geographically compared to his home. England was all hills. He missed home a lot. He wondered how his mom and dad were doing. 

 

Funny enough, when he checked his phone before the start of the journey, they had apparently stayed remarkably close to Paradise, Nevada. Now, he was on the road to Paradise Lane. Adam wondered if God planned that as some stupid pun. Perhaps She did. Perhaps not. He would never know for sure. 

 

He hummed along to the music, looking at his phone, seeing missed call after missed call from his family and friends. He frowned. Adam didn’t want to run out like he did, but he wouldn’t bare to let Anathema and the others try to take out Satan with only a handful of barely helpful temporary-allies to back them up. 

 

No, if anyone was going to bear Satan’s fury, it was gonna be him.

 

———

 

“So now our army is down one Antichrist.” Gabriel said, pacing back and forth. “That was our only viable weapon!”

 

“Our boy is not a weapon!” Crowley hissed as he furiously typed on his phone. “He won’t answer me. For fuck’s sake, why won’t he answer me?!”

 

“Why don’t you try tracking him, do you know his login?” Anathema asked.

 

“I do.” Pepper said, taking the phone from her uncle. “It’s Adam so the login name is his spam email and the password is Antichrist08. He’s very predictable, you know.” She logged in easily, only to be met with a block screen. “Rats.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Crowley asked as he peered over Pepper’s shoulder.

 

“I think he blocked your number.” Brian said looking at the phone. “He does that when he’s upset for a bit and doesn’t want to be found. But we know he always hides in the back of Old Man Tyler’s apple orchards whenever he sulks.” 

 

“So what do we do?” Anathema asked. “Try everyone’s phones?”

 

“Hell’s only got a rotary network.” Ligur commented.

 

“And the heavenly system is jammed for us.” Michael said, trying to get his phone to work by tapping it extra hard.

 

Everyone was at a very awkward standstill as now they had no plan on where to go, no ride, and were missing a child. Satan’s child. 

 

The only person to break the thick silence was Newt, the screech of his chair against the floor ringing out as he stood up quickly.

 

“I got it!” He said. “I got the phone working!” 

 

“You did?” Anathema asked, running over to him. “But- But you’re  _ you _ !”

 

“I know! I figured out what I did wrong, I’ve been setting kill switches and the motherboards in wrong this whole time!” In reality, it was a little divine intervention. God knew that Newt needed a win here and there. Or else why would he be there?

 

“Newt, this is amazing I could kiss you if I was straight!” Anathema said. Peppering in the fact she was gay was always appropriate. Especially considering two other gays were right there, in one of which was in desperate need of her attention. “What are you waiting for? Sign in, find Adam!” Newt typed in Adam’s account information as quickly as he could before the phone dinged.

 

“I found him!” The room all raised from their spots and crowded around the computer engineer, title rightfully earned. “He’s heading to.. Long Beach, California?”

 

“California! Oh thank the heavens!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “Now all we need is a ride!”

 

“But wait, why’s he heading there?” Uriel asked. “Seems kinda specific.”

 

“Maybe.. Oh lord, he sensed Satan’s presence.” Michael blinked. “He found him.”

 

“He’s going to face Satan  _ alone _ !” Anathema said.

 

“He did it before, didn’t he?” Sandalphon questioned.

 

“Yes, but we were there and he didn’t know what Adam could do. We had the element of surprise. Now..” Aziraphale gulped. “Oh, we need to go,  _ now _ .”

 

“On it.” Crowley said as he ran out the door as fast as his long legs could carry him.

 

“How are we gonna fit all of us in  _ any  _ car to catch up to him? And we can’t risk your flight giving out on us midway there.” Anathema said. 

 

“Don’t you worry, my dear. Your uncle always has a plan.” Aziraphale said in a way that was sure of his husbands abilities.

 

———-

 

The blaring sounds of  _ ‘La Cucaracha’  _ erupted from the horn of a city sight-seeing tour bus. It was an ugly purple color that looked like it hadn’t been given a proper detailing since the day it was first bought. The exterior had shimmery gold stars that were ready to peel off and someone had made the worst possible choice of font for the name “Sin City Sightseeing Company” to be written in. Underneath, in a totally different font, was the name ‘Star Chaser’ which was assumed to be the codename for that specific vehicle. 

 

The forces of Heaven, Hell, and Earth had never once agreed on anything until that moment. They all agreed that this bus was a piece of trash and hideous. But, it fit all of them, so it had to do.

 

“Alright everyone, get in. I filled this thing up to the brim with gas so we’re gonna book it to Cali as fast as possible. Make any last minute preparations while on board. Also buckle up, Angel, Ana, Newt, kids. The others can hit their heads on the ceiling for all I care, it’s your funeral.” Crowley announced over the speaker system on the bus which would be very helpful if he was giving a tour around the city. Instead it just let him loudly announced that he was going to speed and if anyone gets hurt due to it it’s not his fault.

 

Once everyone was accounted for, Crowley floored it in the direction of Long Beach. Most of the beings who weren’t accustomed to Crowley’s driving habits nearly fell out of their seats. Hastur did. 

 

Michael sat near the back, watching the outside pass by and would occasionally turn to see Anathema trying to heal her own arm a few seats away. The look of discomfort and strain on her face made Michael’s stomach turn. He wished to just be able to miracle it fixed for her, but due to the stupid gates that wasn’t going to happen. So he just had to bear watching it from far away. 

 

As he watched, Anathema’s words from the past night rumbled in his mind. If it wasn’t for God telling him to, would he have come back? He wasn’t sure enough to give an answer. Michael could understand a bit of why Anathema was so upset, on top of the text-break up, but he meant every bit of his apology. He did, truly. 

 

“Mike.” Uriel said, walking over and sitting beside him, breaking him out of his trance. “Look, I'm so sorry.” 

 

“For?” 

 

“For lying to you. And for trying to kill Anathema. It seemed like a good idea at the time.” They rubbed the back of their neck sheepishly.

 

“Uri, I can’t stay mad at you. But that was rather stupid.” Michael lightly flicked Uriel in the forehead.

 

“Ow. Yeah, I got that.” Uriel watched Michael’s gaze turn to Anathema as he let out a deep sigh. “Why are you so smitten with her? She’s only human, there’s plenty more of ‘em. Less that’ll punch you in the face.”

 

“She’s Anathema, that’s why.” Michael said. Uriel didn’t get it. But, then again, they never understood humans.

 

“You, my dear Mike, are absolutely ridiculous sometimes. But, I’ll stand by you. That’s what friends do.” They said as they took Michael’s currently messy hair and fixed it into a bun with some curls popping out. “Any plan to win her back? Especially considering you-know-who is trying to beat you to her?”

 

“I have to just.. be patient. That’s what the Almighty told me.” He said. “But.. it’s so hard to just be patient when all of this is happening.”

 

“An almost impulsive Michael? Never heard that one before.” They said.

 

“Yeah, well, a lot of things change on Earth. It’s almost scary.”

 

“You can say that again. But, I believe in you, Mike.” Uriel gave him a reassuring smile that helped him perk up the slightest.

 

Archangels, while being a very corporate and no-nonsense lot to their lesser angels, were a family in their own right. They had been since the beginning, when they had time to bond over things like flowers and fish and the beauty of Her creations. Things used to be much more mellow then. But, after the Fall and planning for Armageddon, they didn’t have much time to spend together. Occasionally, Uriel and Michael had gotten together for coffee. But this trip had been the first time in forever that they were able to be a family again instead of co-workers. It was nice, all things considered. It was nice to know that even when they all royally fucked up, the others would still be beside them.

 

“Thanks, Uri.” Michael said before giving them a hug. He got one in return. “Just please run your plans of attempted murder by me next time.” He joked. Michael, joking? Now Uriel had really seen everything.

 

“I will.” Uriel chuckled.

 

Michael had to be patient, but something in him stirred after his eyes hit Anathema again. He meant every bit of his apology, he did.. but maybe it wasn’t enough.

 

————

 

The Bentley screeched to a stop, jolting Adam awake. He looked around the area and spotted a small building with pink brick walls, a pale green sun awning over the doorway, a big window with an LED ‘Open’ sign hanging from it, and a signboard on the roof that read ‘Purgatory Diner’ in big gold letters. 

 

“This must be the place..” Adam muttered. He unbuckled slowly and with the nerves of someone who was going to try and pet a crocodile at the zoo on a dare. He put his hand on the Bentley’s wheel as if to say ‘thank you’ before exiting the car.

 

He walked across the street and into the diner, each step feeling heavier than the last. The chime of the door opening altered a waitress who was walking out from the kitchen, a pitcher of coffee in hand.

 

“Howdy, sugar. You must be Adam.” The waitress looked like she was in her mid 60s and spoke with a heavy Texan accent. She had medium brown skin and her hair was tied up neatly in a braid that almost resembled a halo. At least, what Adam thought a halo may look like. “You got someone waitin’ for you in the booths. I’ll take you over.” 

 

“Oh, um, thank you ma’am.” Adam said as he followed the woman down the aisle of empty booths until he spotted one with a single person in it.

 

The man was in his late 30s at minimum but looked no older than 45. He had dark curls and tan skin. The faintest sign of a goatee rested on his chin. He wore a nice suit, black and sleek. He had a silver ring on his left ring finger and a gold stud on his right ear. He wore a set of shades very similar to Crowley’s, except his lenses were red, not black. From behind the lenses, he could see the shine of golden eyes.

 

“Here you go, sweetpea. I’ll bring you over a menu. You must be hungry. And Luci, your coffee.” The waitress said as she poured the dark brew into a white coffee mug sitting beside the man. 

 

“Thank you, El.” He said before taking a sip. She walked off and Adam climbed into the booth opposite him.

 

“You’re my dad, aren’t you?” Adam asked. “You’re Satan?”

 

“In this form, I prefer Lucifer. Lucifer Morningstar.” He said, placing the mug back down. “That makes you Adam Morningstar.”

 

“My name’s Adam Young. Always has been, always will be.” Adam crossed his arms. “Why did you want to see me? Do you plan to destroy me? So you can do- I don’t even know what, to the Earth?” 

 

“Destroy you, no. I need answers. Besides, you did rudely wake me from my slumber.” Lucifer popped his neck slightly before resting his shoulders back in place. Adam couldn’t really argue with that.

 

“S’pose I did.” Adam rubbed the back of his head as El walked back over with a kid’s menu in hand. “Oh, thank you, ma’am.” 

 

“Please, call me El. Ma’am makes me feel old. Do you need a minute?” She asked.

 

“No, no. I’ll take uhh.. Chicken strips and fries.” Adam briefly looked at the kids menu. 

 

“What to drink?” El asked, writing down the order.

 

“Apple juice, please.” Adam said. El nodded. 

 

“Be back with that in a jiff, hon. Luci, anything else?” She turned to Lucifer and squinted her blue eyes when she smiled at him.

 

“Nothin yet.” He shook his head. She nodded again before walking off.

 

“Well, what do you want to know?” Adam asked. “And why from me?” 

 

“You’re the only one who can make sense of it, kid.” His demonic father said. “You can eat first ‘fore I start dogging you with questions.”

 

Adam squirmed awkwardly a bit to get more comfortable. He never expected to see Satan again. But here he was, in a little diner all alone, only El to keep him company. Adam wondered what that meant. Why he wasn’t just destroying the world? I mean, this  _ was _ Satan. But as soon as Adam started his journey, everything started to stop.

 

“You weren’t trying to destroy the Earth were you?” Adam asked. “You were trying to get ahold of me?”

 

“Yes. Hell’s rotary system is rather garbage and I didn’t think you’d show up from just a call.” 

 

“I don’t think I would’ve either.”

 

“I’ll answer your questions and you answer mine. Deal?” Satan put his hand out for Adam. Adam looked at it suspiciously before taking it in his. He did want answers.

 

“Deal.”


	15. Portable DVD players and Pitter-Patter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anathema runs away from two talks while Adam has one with Satan.

The Star Chaser bus was not meant for a four hour excursion. It rarely traveled outside of Las Vegas and even then it was just to get gas at a cheaper city. Even on a full tank, it barely made that journey. So when Crowley felt the bus putter to a stop on the edge of a small town not far from their starting place he started cursing quite loudly in a long-dead language. They hadn’t even made it out of the state!

 

The Anathema sat on the stairs of the bus, watching Crowley practically bouncing in frustration as he pumped gas in the purple death trap that he, Gabriel, Newt, and Dagon had to push about two miles up a hill. 

 

“Bloody fuckin’- This is why I stuck to my Bentley. That car survived the apocalypse for Go- Sa- _someone’s bloody sake!_ ” Crowley groaned.

 

“Maybe if we just walked we’d be there by next week.” Anathema said.

 

“Maybe, but then we’d be in for four days of complaining from one ‘Archangel Himbo’ about how his suit was now riddled with sweat and how he should just fly there, then poof he’s gonna plummet onto a damn cactus.” Crowley said, gas pump in hand.

 

“It’d be funny, though.” She said.

 

“Yeah.” Crowley half chuckled as he turned his head to witness the leaders of Heaven and Hell trying to grasp the concept of convenience store/gas station combo. Everyone had taken a moment to stretch and explore as this _might_ be their last few days on Earth ever. “Ana, be a dear and make sure those idiots don’t get themselves discorperated somehow. Also tell ‘em we’ll be leaving soon.”

 

“On it.” Anathema said as she walked toward the crowd of angels and demons. Her eyes wandered to Michael. He was sitting on a rickety picnic table with Gabriel who was eyeing and inspecting a 2 dollar chicken salad sandwich like it was an ancient text found in the ruins of a pyramid. 

 

“You could just bite it and find out if you like it, Gabriel.” Michael said, placing his head in his hands. “It shouldn’t be too bad.”

 

“I don’t know if I trust something so.. suspiciously damp.” He said.

 

“That’s called condensation.” Anathema said as she walked over to the two of them. “It’s what happens when something is really cold and then meets heat rapidly. Sorta like what happens when Red right there sees me walking over.” 

 

Sure enough, the moment Anathema was in sight, Michael had started to sweat nervously. In a metaphorical sense as angels had no need to sweat.

 

“Just checking on you. We should be leaving soon.” Anathema said. “Don’t miss the bus, or we can leave you behind.”

 

“Oh, please.” Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Like you would.”

 

“Wanna test it, pretty boy?” Anathema said, placing her hands on her waist. Gabriel shook his head slowly because he didn’t know where this girl got her gumption and he truly didn’t trust that she _wouldn’t_ have the traitors leave him behind. “That’s what I thought.” 

 

Before she could turn away and walk away as fast as possible as to not interact with Michael, she heard his voice perk up over the new silence.

 

“Anathema, wait please.” Michael only partially-pleaded. “Could.. Could we talk, please?” Anathema faltered for only a second, part of her wanted to stay. Part of her wanted to run to him. But the sensible part of her told her to turn and go.

 

“..I have to go check on the others. Sorry.” Anathema said, walking away as though she was walking the streets late at night. Michael’s face fell, watching her go. Anathema could feel his frowning eyes burning their way into her soul, making her only walk faster.

 

‘Anathema Device, Heartbreak Victim and Begrudging Grudge Holder’ wasn’t really the title she wanted to carry around forever, but at the look of things before her it seemed like it would make itself at home. It hurt still, everything being so fresh. Heartbreak wasn’t something she was used to. _Love_ wasn’t something she was used to either. But all Anathema knew was one stung like Hell and the other burned like Heaven, and at that point she wasn’t sure which was which anymore. 

 

“Ana!”

 

Then, there was another problem. More so, another person.

 

“Bee, hi.” Anathema said walking over to Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, who Anathema had hazily remembered slamming faces with the night before. They were atop a tower of ruined tires which sat beside the gas station, resting cross legged on the highest wheel. “How’s the weather up there?”

 

“Juzzt fine. Come up here, the view is marvelouzz.” They waved before looking back out at the miles and miles of dry, faintly orange desert surrounding them. 

 

Anathema took a good hard look at the tires around before finding one that was decent height-wise and jumped onto it. Then onto the next one and the next one before finally finding her way beside Lord Beelzebub, looking out at the gorgeously empty scenery. It reminded her a lot of an oil painting she had seen once.

 

“You know, Earth izzn’t all terrible. I realize that now.” Beelzebub said. “Therezz zzzome enjoyable thingzzz about it.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” Anathema asked. “Big claim. Lightning round, what makes Earth great, go.”

 

“For zztarterzz, the food izz much better than in Hell. That muffin from breakfazzt was delizziouzz. I had no idea what a cranberry wazz until then.” Beelzebub pointed out each thing on their fingers. “The lightzz, nizze touch. Very bright and colorful. Don’t zzee that much downzztairs. The muzzic? I azzked Crowley if he knew the zzzong from lazzt night, but all he did wazz call me a ‘weeb’ which, I don’t know what that meanzz.”

 

“Oof. Yeah, it was kinda weeby. Reminds me of middle school..” Anathema said awkwardly. She tried to forget middle school ever happened. There was two years she went as Naruto for Halloween. There was only a small amount of reasons she was glad she was homeschooled. One of them was no one else knew her shame. “Anything else about Earth you like?” Her eyes wandered the beautiful landscape.

 

“You’re here. And I like you.” Beelzebub answered very bluntly. Anathema’s head snapped around so fast she could swear she heard studio laughter accompanying it. “That’zz about it. Zzo far.”

 

“Oh. Oh cool.” Anathema said. 

 

Now, considering all the factors before her it wasn’t totally unprecedented for Anathema to assume that _‘I like you’_ could mean a multitude of things. One explanation could be very simple, ‘I like you as a friend’. That’s fine, that’s good. Another idea? It only complicated things more. ‘I just confessed, I like you.’ 

 

If you were in Anathema’s shoes you’d have just been courted by a lovely woman in a whirlwind of feelings and passion, dumped due to their inability to make their own possibly rebellious choices, wallowed in an emotional breakdown, gotten piss drunk, partied, and made out with a Prince of Hell who you didn’t know _was_ a prince, then the original woman comes back in and claims to love you and that God said it’s ok. Now you’re sitting on a pile of tires barely outside of Las Vegas with the prince in question who may or may not have just confessed to you. All while you still, deep down, want to be with the original woman even though you are _very_ against being told what to do by higher powers right now. Also, the second Apocalypse _might_ be starting any minute, hour, or day now. Suffice to say, it was a lot to handle for poor Anathema. 

 

But, she did like Beelzebub. Not like _that_ , but as a good friend. A friend you could call on a bad night and get rowdy with. A friend who would help you beat up angels because of some bullshit. A friend from Hell is a good friend to have. Crowley would attest the opposite, but Anathema had a good feeling about it. But right now, she didn’t. Right now, she was panicking.

 

“Sorry, Bee I gotta go make sure some idiots don’t die while we’re stopped. I’ll talk to you in a bit.” Anathema said, running from her problems again as she hopped down the tires back to solid ground.

 

The ring of the gas station’s door alerted the attention of those around, where they saw Sandalphon and Uriel carrying out several portable dvd players and a stack of dvds.

 

“Look what they sell!” Sandalphon announced. “We can watch _‘The Sound of Music’!”_

 

“Oh, Satan help us all.” Dagon groaned. “Stupid bloody movie.”

 

“God, is this a punishment for talking shit?” Anathema muttered, putting her hands together like it was a real prayer. “If it is, this is too much.”

 

————

 

The Purgatory Diner was one of a kind, being the only diner in Long Beach to have a menu that consisted of entirely perfect dishes. Burgers that were seasoned just right. Lettuce that was always fresh and green. Vanilla milkshakes that tasted like the sweetest creams from the happiest cows. Even the fries, which Adam found out, were perfectly firm and crispy yet soft and pillowy in all the right ways. 

 

This was thanks to El. She knew her way around both halves of the house and her skill showed with every meal she made. And for right now, the skill was specifically for Adam and Lucifer. Mostly Adam, who kept shoveling down the meal placed before him.

 

“This is so good!” Adam said, munching on fry after fry after fry.

 

“Thank you, sugar pie. Lil’ talent of mine.” She said, smiling as the boy ate. “Reminds me of someone else I know.” She muttered. Her eyes turned to Lucifer who finally broke and ordered his usual. One plate of spicy boneless wings and tater tots. And, don’t forget, a cinnamon apple turnover. She hid a small smile from him as she turned on her heels to the kitchen. 

 

Adam peeked up at his father, who was watching him eat. His eyes were studying the kid entirely, like a geologist inspecting a rare mineral. 

 

“So,” Adam asked, wiping his mouth of ketchup and salt. “What questions do you have for me?”

 

“I need to know why you did it. What makes this world worth protecting?” He hadn’t expected such a question from someone who had tried to destroy the planet a little over half a year ago.

 

“There’s a lot of things. My parents, my friends, my godfathers-“ Adam started.

 

“Godfathers?” Lucifer questioned. “Wait a moment. Do you mean _those two_ who stood with you at Armageddon? That angel and the demon Crowley?”

 

“Yes. They’re really nice. They help me with my history projects even though they don’t really have great records for the specifics because they were always getting dinner together. Uncle Aziraphale, the angel, he takes me and my friends for sweets and reads us stories that are hundreds of years old. Uncle Crowley takes us on drives and we go see other snakes at the zoo and he talks to them.” 

 

“I never understood them.” Lucifer sighed, leaning into his hand. “What could possibly make you turn away from everything you knew, everything that was meant to be- for what? For love?”

 

“Bit of the pot calling the kettle black?” El said, walking over with a large plate of food in one hand and a smaller plate in the other. “Your wings and turnover, dear.” 

 

“Thank you, El.” He nodded, holding back a coy smile. Adam looked between his plate and his father’s. Boneless wings and strips, not very different if you think about it. Both were just fried chunks of chicken, maybe from the same original bird. The only big difference was Lucifer’s spicy hot sauce which probably burnt like Hell. 

 

“My uncles love the planet and each other and me. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt love, but it’s pretty powerful.” Adam said. “Makes people do crazy things.”

 

“..I know.” Lucifer said, looking down at his silver ring. The faintest genuine smile on his lips. “Your mother made me do a lot of crazy things.”

 

“What’s she like?” Adam asked. It never quite clicked before that to be Satan’s birth son, he needed to have a birth mother. A Mrs. Morningstar.

 

“Lilith’s a peach. Only person who could make me laugh after the Fall. You have her eyes, you know. Bright blue, like the sky.” Lucifer let out a nostalgic sigh. “Only human I ever met and I realized how.. brilliant she was from the very first moment I saw her.” 

 

“You and Heaven have that in common, then.” Adam said. “Archangel Michael is in love with my friend, Anathema. I don’t like him much.” 

 

“Michael?” Lucifer sounded surprised. “Little Mikey? In love?”

 

“You knew him?” Adam asked.

 

“Knew him? He’s my sister.” Lucifer said. “Least, he was. I doubt he’d call me ‘brother’ ever again. Not after what happened.”

 

“Was it the Fall? Did you fight him?” Adam asked, surprised to find out ‘Michael, the jerk’ was also ‘Michael, his aunt’. 

 

“You could say that.. I tried to drag him down with me.” Lucifer sighed with as much bitterness as his black coffee had. Adam watched a look of melancholy swirl in his eyes. “I was.. young and stupid and angry after everything that happened.. He tried to strike me down near the end. So, I tried to grab him. I ripped at his wings. I almost got him too.. Perhaps it’s for the best that I didn’t.”

 

Adam was a child, and children are known for being very attuned to the emotions of others. And here, seeing his father remember the last time he saw his sister, he could feel his regrets. Maybe he didn’t regret Falling, but Adam knew he regretted hurting his family.

 

“Maybe you can make it right. He’ll be here soon, I'm sure. Everyone’s looking for me.” Adam said.

 

“I know. But, I don’t think that’ll happen.” 

 

Outside, a storm started to rumble. Rain slowly pitter-pattered against the window beside the King and Antichrist. Both looked outside at the world before them. El stood behind the counter, watching both of them with a tender smile.

 

“The Earth is so full of strange.. ever-changing things. I only remember glimpses of Eden. I only remember what I saw when I met Lilith there. It was beautiful. Now? Now this is like a whole other planet. It’s not her world anymore.” Lucifer said.

 

“But it’s _my_ world.” Adam replied. “People aren’t like angels or demons. They _are_ strange and ever-changing. No one’s wholly bad or wholly good. We just.. exist. And live. And be ourselves.” Satan’s eyes turned to his son, and in a flash of a moment, it was like looking at the spitting image of his wife. Lilith Morningstar, the first woman and the Queen of Hell. The light of the depths below.

 

“Tell me, Adam. What makes you yourself? I hardly know you.” 

 

“I’m just like any kid. I play games and explore and eat sweets until I can’t feel my tongue. I like playing tricks on Old Man R. P. Tyler. I like dabbing. I like video games and dancing to escape my problems.” Adam chuckled. “I like _‘Mamma Mia!’_ but I think you could tell from my shirt.”

 

“I was meaning to ask about that.” Lucifer chuckled and ate a tater tot. “What _is_ ‘Mamma Mia!’? And dabbing?”

 

“Oh, this.” Adam did a sick dab and nearly knocked over his apple juice with his elbow. 

 

“That’s dabbing?” Lucifer asked. Adam nodded. “That’s fresh as Hell!” 

 

The two of them started to laugh together. El chuckled.

 

“Y’all need anymore drinks?” She asked.

 

“Yes, please, El.” Adam said, raising his cup.

 

“One for me too.” Lucifer nodded.

 

El nodded her head and walked off. Those two were cut from the same cloth after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter with a lil bit of sadness peppered in for Luci.


	16. Poets and Possible Contenders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two pairs of Angels and Demons have heart to hearts.

The day dragged on at an incredibly slow pace for everyone inside the Star Chaser. The whole bus was ringing out with Julie Andrews’ voice singing the chorus of  _ ‘The Hills are Alive’ _ and it was taking every single ounce of self control Crowley had in him to not drive the bus off a cliff.

 

Gabriel was doing what Anathema could only describe as the  _ whitest  _ ‘dance moves’ possible, as he poorly millie rocked along to the song. Whichever child taught him how to do that was going to get yeeted into the stratosphere and it was gonna be done by Anathema herself.

 

On top of that, the other archangels were playing their  _ own  _ copies of the movie, at the same time. Usually, it was Michael who held the heavenly family brain cell. Since he was busy moping at the time, they didn’t have the thought process available to realize they could just use headphones. Or share a screen.

 

“I wanna die. So much.” Anathema muttered into her hands as she sat down dramatically beside Newt who sat near the front of the bus, away from the nonsense going on in the middle of the bus. “All I wanted was a nice family vacation. Why’d I have to fuck it all up by being a gay disaster?”

 

“Anathema, you didn’t-“

 

“Newt that’s bullshit and we both know it.” Anathema sighed. “I should’ve listened to you and Crowley. I’m not upset about all my choices, clearly, but the big one?” Newt knew what she meant when he watched her eyes and thumb direct toward a certain red-haired archangel. “Yeah. Could’ve used some more thinking through.”

 

“Aziraphale told me you thought it was fate? You wanted to risk it all?” Newt asked. Anathema let out a half-laugh drenched sigh. It sounded like a broken squeak toy almost. 

 

“Yeah, yeah those sure are the words I used.” She said as she ran a hand through her hair. She didn’t deny that it’s what she felt, though. “Wow. Me from a week ago is such a dumbass.”

 

“You made your choice, though, Anathema.” Newt said. “And whatever it is, we stand by you.” He put a hand on her shoulder.

 

“Thanks, Pulsifer. At least you guys will still love me when I royally fuck up.” Anathema said.

 

“We will. But stop being so hard on yourself. Sometimes.. things happen.” He wasn’t sure exactly what to say other than ‘don’t be mean to yourself, it makes me sad. Because you’re sad. Then you’ll only be more sad. It’s a terrible spiral I know.’

 

“Apocalyptic gay drama sometimes  _ just happens _ ? I wish I got that from a Netflix show.” Anathema joked, but she did genuinely think that she fucked them all into this situation, just a hair short of literally.

 

“I mean it, Ana.” Newt said, smacking her arm gently. He was still getting used to Anathema’s more roughhouse friendship. “You felt things. We all act a little weird when that happens.”

 

“I know, I know, love makes you do crazy things but that doesn’t-“

 

“I never said you loved him.” Newt said. Anathema’s face turned a light pink. “Do you?”

 

“I.. I don’t know.” She admitted. “I don’t know and it’s killing me.”

 

“You just need some time. Things will work out. For now focus on kicking Satan’s ass.” Newt said. Anathema let out a sigh before giving him a smile.

 

“Thanks, Newt. I will.”

 

————

 

While the two of them sat chatting together, a hand tapped Michael’s shoulder. He took off his headphones, as he was the only one who thought to keep a pair on him at all times, and turned to see Ligur standing beside him. 

 

“Can I help you?” Michael asked strangely, eyeing the demon who he had a long-standing arrangement with but never really saw outside the cover of night.

 

“No need to be so tight-ended, wank-wings. Not like it matters much now.” He said, motioning toward the others. 

 

Hastur and Sandalphon were having a  _ conversation  _ about  _ things  _ that neither of them  _ really _ understood but thought were interesting nonetheless. Like cheese with rinds and puns. Oh, they could talk for days about puns. Uriel, Pepper, and Dagon all sat in two seats, Pepper and Uriel in one, Dagon in the one in front of them but turned backwards to look at them. Pepper was explaining some of the deeper aspects of an app game where you have to shoot birds at pigs in order to win. Perhaps it was a metaphor. Also, while all of this went on,  _ ‘The Sound Of Music’  _ still rang out as no one paused the dang things.

 

“..Maybe it doesn’t.” Michael agreed as he scooted over enough for Ligur to sit beside him. “I do wish you’d stop with the obscene nickname. I don’t go around calling you ‘fuck-head’.”

 

“No, you prefer ‘dipshit’, don’t you?” Ligur said as he sat. Michael only shrugged but in a way that, more or less, agreed. “So, you and this girl, ‘s it serious?” 

 

“We’re not- together, right now. You know that. Everyone knows that. She punched me in the face.” Michael said this as though Ligur had been blind the last 24 hours. “I don’t know why you-“ 

 

“No, idiot.” Ligur’s words didn’t drip with any malice. Michael wouldn’t dare call it affection or friendly jest either. “I mean your feelings, are they serious?”

 

Michael looked at Ligur and almost wanted to jump out of the moving bus. Had you told him one week ago that he’d be having a, God help him, heart to heart with his informant from Hell about the nature of his feelings toward a human witch who was aligned to the two infamous traitors, he’d call you deranged. But, this was where they were now.

 

“Yes. Very serious.” Michael closed the dvd player and set it on the ground beneath the seat. He took a deep breath before turning back to the demon. “Ligur, i’m in trouble. I’m so addicted to this girl. She’s got my heart tied in a knot and my stomach in a whirl.” His words came out like a choked whisper, clearly not wanting to draw attention to it. Afterall, Anathema wasn’t ever far.

 

“Never thought I’d see God’s General tongue tied and struck by a human of all things.” Ligur chuckled a bit, but again not in a way that had wretch on it.

 

“She’s not just any human. She’s  _ her _ .” Michael said. “She’s a fire that can’t be put out. A star that won’t stop burning. I love her for that and so many other things.”

 

“You sound like someone you used to know.” Ligur commented. Michael knew exactly  _ who _ he meant, but appreciated no name being mentioned. 

 

Samael, best known now by his demonic title ‘Satan’, had fallen for Lilith at noon on the 6th day of the world. They ran off back to Hell together before the moon could even fully speak as a witness to their love. Eve was then created in her place. 

 

Michael knew about this, all of Heaven did. News travels fast when there’s only one specific place for the Heavenly Host to watch over. At the time, he would’ve called his ex-brother foolish. He would’ve called him foolish for a number of reasons, but falling in love so quickly was one of them. He never understood the tales humans would spin of Lilith and Lucifer, lovers from the fire below. He did wonder if they actually danced atop magma together, or if that was just a demonic rumor that made its way through the cracks. They were a tornado of passion and love and were hopelessly romantic in a way that could only be seen when they were together. If you didn’t know any better, you’d never believe that Satan himself could be such a softy, if only for one woman. Everyone else? He’d burn them at the slightest glance with no regard.

 

It never mattered to Michael, though. Michael was divine, work-focused, and orderly. He followed the rules of Heaven and did all he could to make sure his job was done smoothly. He did what he thought was best for Heaven, even if that meant the occasional sneaky lurk into the darkness to exchange information with a demonic ally. That was who Michael was. But now?

 

Now it was like looking in a funhouse mirror, a twisted version of the Michael he once knew standing before him. No longer calm and collected, only in a whirlwind of emotions. No work to be done as he had been on vacation. The papers in his office were thrown about, so even order was out of the question. Until the night before he was near deathly terrified that his holy divinity was teetering also. 

 

He’d never be like Samael, no. Samael was always a flashy bastard with his head too high and his pride ready to bite him in the ass. He was Satan. He tortured souls and his own for fun, afterall. But.. 

 

Perhaps Samael was right about  _ one _ thing. Love made you crazy, but in the best possible ways.

 

“God told you to go after her?” Ligur asked. “You thought of anything, yet?”

 

“No..” Michael sighed. “What did you do, to win Hastur over, I mean?”

 

“I confessed in a big showcase of emotion. More than I'd care to let slip. Never let a soul hear about this.” Ligur tried to frighten the angel, but that could never happen.

 

“My lips are sealed, now tell me.” Michael watched as Ligur’s eyes and his chameleon turned from a dark orange to a light pink. Almost as dusty as the feathers on a baby flamingo once they ate their first shrimps.

 

“You see, he’s very blunt, doesn’t get jokes. He’s trying but it’s a lil’ hard for ‘im. And my stupid ass, I thought the best way was to- Lord Satan help me I was a fool.” He shook his head thinking about it. Michael waited for a moment before gesturing to continue. “Right. I.. commissioned a poet to write a sappy love sonnet.” 

 

“You  _ what _ ?” Michael’s voice almost broke from surprise and a little bit of laughter that worked its way in. Ligur. The Ligur he knew was a master lurker and rather serious. Now clearly he wouldn’t be uppity with his husband, but a  _ poet _ ?

 

“Yes, yes laugh it up.” Ligur grumbled. “It was the fourteenth century what else was I supposed to do? Have a sculptor make him a tasteful nude of me and leave it by his desk?” In honesty, it sounded like a better idea in regards to a  _ love sonnet _ .

 

“I won’t laugh but  _ wow.” _ Michael said. “Who was the poet?”

 

“Petrarch.” He said. “Cost me two gold pieces and a minor temptation in his favor, but aside from that, all was well. It was a good sonnet too, but.. Hastur didn’t quite get it right away.”

 

“Oh no. He didn’t.” Michael shook his head because he had a feeling he knew where this was going.

 

“He did. He thought I meant it as a friend. Well, as friends as you could  _ be  _ in Hell.” Ligur said. Michael tried really  _ really  _ hard not to laugh.

 

“So what did you do to, y’know, change his mind about it?” He asked.

 

“I slammed him against a wall and spilled out my heart and then we kissed.” Ligur said.

 

“Oh..” Michael said in a way that was tender and like ‘awe’.

 

“Then we fucked.” 

 

“ _ Oh _ .” Michael blinked in a realization. “Right there?“

 

“Right there.” Ligur nodded.

 

“Ok, so that parts out of the question.”

 

“But is it?”

 

“ _ Yes _ .” Michael said, brushing back his hair with his hands as he looked at Ligur. “But you did give me an idea.”

 

“Hiring a poet?” Ligur questioned.

 

“Not exactly.” Michael said. “But along the same lines.”

 

“Well, Michael. I’d wish you luck, but it’d be a funny ol’ world if demons and angels went around supporting each other.” Ligur said as he stood up. 

 

“Thank you, Ligur.” Michael chuckled. “Really. If this doesn’t work, I blame your faulty intel.”

 

“I’d expect no less, wank-wings.” Ligur smiled a genuine smile at the angel before heading back to his husband. 

 

———

 

Another stop, another long winded rant from Crowley over how bloody useless modern cars were. Luckily for them, they had bought a bunch of gas tankards to refill when they were in the middle of nowhere. Right now there was nothing but desert around, the bright sun shining down in a rage of heat and pain that even Dagon could compare to Hell. Perhaps it was because she was a fish, perhaps global warming was  _ just that bad _ , but Dagon couldn’t deal with it.

 

“If I die here, tell my tale.” Dagon grumbled, laying on the hot ground outside the bus, shriveling in a very similar way to Spongebob from the first movie. Least, that’s what Brian said it looked like.

 

“You won’t die, you miserable fish.” Uriel said, leaning over Dagon and casting a shadow with a single one of their wings. “You just need some water.”

 

“Oh great, and where would I get  _ that,  _ feather-brain? We’re in the desert.” Dagon huffed, pushing up to sit straight. The hot Earth burned her palms lightly.

 

“If I remember correctly, cacti contain water.” Uriel said, turning to look at a bushel of desert weeds which had a few cacti growing between them that wasn’t very far away.

 

“Could’ve said that earlier.” 

 

Dagon got up and attacked the spiny plant. She ripped and tore at the plant trying to get the water inside. It looked like she had destroyed a green bumpy alien after she got to the core of the cacti. Dagon was absolutely feral when in a bad mood, it was part of why Beelzebub loved her. Dagon didn’t know that, sadly.

 

“Not bad. Lil’ tangy.” Dagon said, sipping at a chunk of cacti that was in the vaguest bowl shape.

 

“You murdered that entire plant.” Uriel blinked in shock as they walked over.

 

“I’m on edge, ok?” Dagon said before taking another sip. “Besides, it’s only a plant.”

 

“Yeah, I can tell.” Uriel nodded slowly. “Is it because-“

 

“Say that name and i’ll rip your wings off.” Dagon growled. 

 

“You don’t even know who I was gonna say.” They crossed their arms and gave Dagon the eye, who only returned the look with a half-hearted glare.

 

“You were gonna say something about Beelzebub or that pretty Anathema girl or something about both of them.” She snapped. “So Beelz wants to lie to me then shag some human? Fine. Doesn’t bother me at all.”

 

“You know lying is a sin.” Uriel stated the obvious, retracting their wings and walking beside the scaley demon who only turned her head.

 

“Clearly.” Dagon muttered.

 

“I don’t think you should worry about Anathema taking Beelzebub from you. Michael’s going to win her back.” They said. “He’s in love.”

 

“Yeah and what’d love ever do for beings like us? We’re not humans.” Dagon started to walk away, trying to avoid the conversation. “We shouldn’t love them.”

 

“Maybe you don’t think so. Maybe I don’t either. But that’s not what matters, is it?” Uriel asked as they followed her. “What matters to you is how you feel.” 

 

“I'm a demon. It’s in our job description to be selfish like that.” Dagon grumbled.

 

“But Beelzebub is who makes you feel happy, aren’t they? And you want them to be happy too.”

 

Dagon stopped dead in her tracks, making Uriel bump into them.

 

“I don’t- I mean- I want them to be happy. But not with her. I want them to be happy with  _ me _ .” Dagon sighed bitterly. “And we were ok, for awhile. We promised our loyalty to one another. We managed Hell  _ together _ .” She let out a twisted, broken chuckle. “But now? Now this topsy-turvy stupid fucking trip has ruined my life. I’ve lost the only being who made me feel important! I know Heaven never saw me that way, and neither did you.” Dagon shoved Uriel back, half expecting them to attack her. That didn’t happen. Uriel only stared at her with pity in their eyes. “Now.. Now i’ve lost Beelzebub too. Just like how we lost Her, to a human.”

 

“Oh Dagiel..” They muttered, raising a hand to caress the demon’s face. Dagon violently swatted it away.

 

“That’s not my name anymore.” She said. Her hands fell at her side and tightened into fists, crushing the remaining piece of cacti and letting it’s bits of water soak her knuckles. “I am Dagon, Lord of the Files, Master of Madness, Under-Duke of the Seventh Torment, and a massive fucking idiot because I fell in love! Twice!”

 

Uriel watched as Dagon’s eyes flooded with tears. Her whole form was shaking with rage and sadness and pain. But, despite all of this, Uriel could sense a ball of pure love coming from her very core.

 

“I fell in love with someone who would never understand my view, then when I finally met someone who  _ did  _ they disregard my trust and chase some human girl instead! After all our years together!” The tear gates broke and flowed down her cheeks like a river rapid. “We may have never said it officially but.. Oh no.” Realization hit Dagon that if you don’t  _ tell  _ someone you love them, they’re technically still on the market, even if you fucked them once in an empty conference room because you couldn’t  _ stand  _ how cute and tempting they sounded when you said ‘I need you to help me with these files’ and their minx-y response was ‘ _ make me _ ’. Not only would they still be on the market, but more than available considering the only real possible contender for them threw them to the curb after being lied to. This realization didn’t help how Dagon felt in the slightest, in fact it made it worse. “This is all my own fault. I drove them away.” 

 

“You did not.” Uriel said, placing their hands on Dagon’s shoulders. “Beelzebub is still yours, even if you think Anathema’s won them over. They love  _ you. _ ”

 

“How do you know that? How could you  _ possibly _ be so sure?” She sniffled, Uriel’s hands tracing up to her face. Dagon’s cheeks fit so nicely in the palms of their hands.

 

“Because I've seen the way they look at you with raw, cardinal yearning. The way their eyes shine when your name is even mentioned. They look at you the same way I once looked at you, Dagiel.” Their voice is like a whisper, leaning both theirs and Dagon’s heads down to touch foreheads. “You made your choice. I had made mine. They will make theirs too.”

 

“You angels and your belief in fate..” Dagon let out a deep sigh from inside, her icy blue eyes met Uriel’s honey yellow ones. Those had been hers once. But it had been a lifetime since then.

 

“It’s part of our job description.” Uriel said, their lips tugging into a smile.

 

“I know. That’s why I quit.” She let a chuckle escape her chest and breath. Her hands met Uriel’s when they slid to her neck. Dagon gripped firmly but not tightly. They were right, she had made her choice long ago. But that didn’t mean she’d let go just yet. It had been thousands of years since they felt this specific touch, both of them. It was nostalgic. A memory of a different place, a different time. “Thank you, Angel.”

 

“You’re welcome. Now be patient. They’ll come around as soon as Michael gets his shit with Anathema together.” Uriel and Dagon pulled apart. They both had soft smiles imprinted on their lips.

 

They didn’t notice the children watching from the sidelines.

 

“This is really becoming such a soap opera of a vacation.” Brian said, sipping on the juice pouch he bought at the convenience store.

 

“You’re telling me.” Pepper nodded. “What’s next? Wholesome family bonding?”

 

That’s where Pepper was right.

 

————

 

Inside the Purgatory Diner, Adam and Lucifer had been playing a game of 20 questions. Adam has read online once that it was the best way to get to know another person, and what better way than to bond with your father and learn all about the things that your Godfathers didn’t know.

 

“So you  _ were  _ blond once?” Adam asked, leaning on the table. “Like dandelion yellow blond?”

 

“I was quite the looker back then.” Lucifer chuckled. “Not so much now.”

 

“It’s probably best you have dark hair now. I’dve looked like a cherub from all those religious candles otherwise.” Adam said. In actuality he knew cherubs looked nothing like that, Aziraphale had went on a long winded explanation of how cherubs were actually quite fearfully majestic in a way that humans would never really grasp.

 

“Me, allow my son to look like an angel in anyway? Never.” Lucifer said. “You’d be surprised how different certain demons looked before everything. God had a thing for giving us all long hair.”

 

“What’s wrong with long hair?” El asked jokingly, motioning her clearly long hair tied in a braid.

 

“Nothin’ El. Why don’t you join us? Afterall there’s no one else here.” Lucifer said, scooting in the booth.

 

“Not yet anyway.” El said. “Might as well take a seat. They won’t be here awhile, not with that storm outside. Business’ always slow during the rain.” She sat down at the end of the booth by Lucifer. 

 

Adam got a good look at her there. She sat taller than Lucifer by a good few inches. Her eyes were cool grey but warm all the same. There was also something about her face that Adam just couldn’t quite describe, but it made him feel safe in her presence, like she was a nice grandma who was watching him for the weekend.

 

“You amaze me sometimes.” Lucifer said as he took a bite of his pastry. “You work day and night and then keep this place stocked well with fantastic food.”

 

“It’s a passion, I love making things.” El chuckled. “Foods ‘specially.”

 

“How long have you worked here, El?” Adam asked.

 

“Oh, a long time, sugarpea.” She said. “Been workin’ here for as long as I can remember. I needed some me time away from my family. Love ‘em to bits but they drive me up the wall somedays.” She shook her head a little.

 

“I get that. When my mom and dad ask me to do chores and things that I really don’t want to, I go hide in the garden or down to Anathema’s cottage. She always keeps me hidden there and gives me sherbet lemons and some of her witch magazines.”

 

“Sounds like a good friend.” El said.

 

“She is. Anathema’s the best adult friend a kid could ask for. Newt’s cool too, in his own way.” Adam said “But he’s a bit jumpy and quick to flee

from adventure. Kinda like-“

 

“A squirrel?” El asked.

 

“Yes!” Adam just put the mental image together as she said that. “My friends and I found a small cavern once, in the woods, and Newt told us it wouldn’t be a good idea to look inside. Anathema helped us look through it, instead.”

 

“He might just be trying to protect y’all. Not let you jump headfirst into anything. What if there’d been a snake or a bear in that cave?” El asked. Adam sat there quietly thinking about it. All they found in that cave was a shrine of Danny Devito that apparently belonged to a couple teens in town who made it as some kind of inside joke. It never really dawned on him that they might’ve been walking into danger. That was mostly because Adam was a child and had no self preservation skills. “Best to listen to others ideas as well as your own. Keeps your head attached to your neck.”

 

“Oh, let the boy have his fun, El.” Lucifer said. “He can protect himself just fine.”

 

“Not the point, Luci.” She said.

 

“Then what  _ is  _ the point?” He asked, rolling his eyes ever so slightly.

 

“It’s a lil’ thing we call care and love, Luci. You know, the thing you shower your Lilith in constantly? You can show that to others.” El looked at him and noticed crumbs and bits of apple on his lip. She tutted, pulling out a napkin and wiping his face, to which he groaned like a child. “You’ll never change, will you?”

 

“Not really part of my path in life, to change.” Lucifer said. “Not completely, at least. One thing I came here for was to understand my child, and a turnover, not for you to baby me.”

 

“Act grown and i’ll treat you like it.” El chuckled. She turned to Adam who also had crumbs all over his face. “What in blazes am I going to do with you two?” She said before wiping his mouth too.

 

“Like father, like son.” Lucifer said.

 

Adam watched the two of them go back and forth and back and forth with one another. This wouldn’t be strange if his father hadn’t been Satan. But that was reality. It made him wonder where these two had even met. 

 

The rain outside slowly started to clear.

 

“You boys sit tight. I have a feeling we’re gonna have our hands full soon.” El said as she stood up again. “I’ll be in the back, holler at me with you need anything.”

 

Adam watched the older woman go, never missing a step. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gay drama is scalding. Also play a game with this story “How many shitty song/pop culture references can I spot?”


	17. Profess and Pull

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael only needs a moment to try and make things right.

It is pretty sad when a normally 4 hour car trip takes almost triple that time. It’s almost pathetic when it’s a nearly straight shot and the entire reason for the timing is how shitty the car is. By the fifteenth stop, it was already sunset. Lucky for everyone involved, they were on the outskirts of Long Beach so this was the  _ last  _ time they’d have to wait a whole ten minutes in or outside a non-air conditioned bus for the thing to start being barely functional.

 

Crowley, who was numb to the Star Chaser stopping and starting and stopping again by now, hurried to get the last spare tankard they’d need before heading off to  _ finally  _ get their baby boy back. Who the fuck knows what Adam’s been going through while they were all having their ears and eyes physically assulted by Gabriel’s awful karaoke and dance moves. A couple times Crowley could feel the bus starting to putter he had screeched to a stop just so he could watch Gabriel fall over in the middle of hitting the whip. It was never not funny and it would be the only pleasant memory he had of the entire day, aside from the dancing itself, as it would be burned into his subconscious forever.

 

As he unscrewed the tap off the tankard he heard a cough from behind him. Turning around revealed Michael standing there, much shorter than usual as he was all out of whack. He was almost staring through Crowley instead of at him.

 

“Can I.. help you with somethin?” Crowley asked, raising an eyebrow. “If so, you should ask someone else. I’m still not on good terms with you.”

 

“We haven’t been in a long time. But, I need your help. I beg of you.” Michael nearly pleaded. 

 

“ _ My  _ help?” Crowley said. Michael nodded.

 

“Please, stall the bus. Just a little while. I have something important I need to do.” He asked. Crowley looked at him like he was crazy.

 

“My godson might be having a stand-off against  _ Satan  _ right now and you ask me to stall even  _ longer  _ than we need to? You’re fuckin’ mental.” Crowley scoffed as he turned away, only to jump a bit when Michael grabbed his arm. He turned back to Michael who, surprisingly, didn’t look upset. In fact he looked.. Crowley couldn’t really find the right word for it, but the way his eyes looked like they were full of tears didn’t paint a good picture. Michael didn’t look like he was ready to cry, per say, but his eyes shone like a storm was brewing.

 

“Crowley, I need this. I need fifteen more minutes, that’s all. Please.” His grip on Crowley’s jacket got slightly tighter.

 

“..This has something to do with Ana, doesn’t it?” Crowley asked. Michael only nodded. Crowley let out a deep sigh. 

 

He was a sensible being. He and Aziraphale knew and seen how humans felt and bled and loved and hated and existed better than anyone else from Hell or Heaven. Crowley had thought, undoubtedly, to have seen quite literally everything that humanity was capable of.

 

That is, until he saw how Anathema Device had absolutely slain Archangel Michael with the most powerful weapon of all. Love. 

 

Crowley felt the world before him crumbling. There was the archangel who he had personally rallied against in a public space begging him for only a sliver of time to attempt to win Anathema, their Anathema, back after making a fatal flaw.

 

“Please. I know you hate me.” Michael said, his voice low. “But I love her, I really do. If I could take back that stupid mistake of running back to Heaven when I did, I would. I can’t give up on her, Crowley..”

 

“Tell me..” Crowley said. “What do you love about her?” 

 

“I love everything. Her smile, her personality, her pride, her anger.” Michael said, his other hand clutching at his chest. “The way she dances. I love her.”

 

“Swear to me you’ll protect her from anything. Satan, God, everything in between.” Crowley said, his eyes meeting Michael’s. 

 

“I’d do anything to keep her safe.” Michael’s lips parted and out came a statement that rocked Crowley to his core. “I’d Fall for her, if I had to.”

 

“..Then this must be real. Real real.” Crowley said, taking off his glasses. That was a bold statement to make. It was proof enough for Crowley. “She’s my girl. Mine and Aziraphale’s. Know that if you  _ ever  _ back out on her again, we  _ will _ find you. And we’ll do worse than sucker punch you like she did. Even though I know she could handle you herself.”

 

“Then you’re giving me your blessing?” Michael questioned, actually surprised. After everything he didn’t expect that to go the way it did.

 

“Don’t need to. It’s up to her. Not like she listens to me anyway.” He chuckled lightly. “She’s a fireball, that one. Don’t be scared of getting burned. I can stall twenty minutes. Be quick.”

 

Michael nodded quickly and ran off. Crowley put the gas tankard down and leaned against the bus. Aziraphale peaked around the bus and walked over to him.

 

“Are we all set, my dear?” Aziraphale asked. He then noticed Crowley’s lack of glasses and slumped appearance. “Is everything alright?”

 

“Angel, I think I just saw what I’ve looked like for the last 6,000 years of pining.” Crowley shook his head. “But with worse curls.”

 

“I don’t know what that means, Crowley.” Aziraphale said.

 

“Means we’re gonna have to get used to seeing Michael when we go to Ana’s for tea.” Aziraphale blinked.

 

“Did he try to win her over?”

 

“He’s going to, right now. Weirdly enough, I feel ok about it.” Aziraphale nodded and stood by his husband, who curled their fingers together. 

 

“Then if you’re ok with it, so am I.” Aziraphale said, laying his head gently on Crowley’s shoulder. 

 

For a moment, after the absolute disaster that had been the past 24 hours, they finally felt at peace again. They were together, and even though they were just outside the den of the beast, the world felt just right. 

 

“I gave ‘em twenty minutes. How’ll we keep the kids entertained?” Crowley asked, turning to Aziraphale who lifted his head with a wicked grin on his face.

 

“Should we encourage them to teach the other angels how to dance?” Aziraphale suggested. Crowley’s eyes lit up. 

 

“Angel, I adore you and your ideas.” He said, wrapping his arms around him in a hug, lifting him off the ground for a moment. Aziraphale giggled in return. At least they could still find fun in the situation at hand. 

 

———

 

“Anathema.”

 

Anathema, who sat atop the bus looking at her phone peered up, not expecting anyone to climb up there looking for her. In fact in all the four times she did climb onto the top of the bus, Crowley simply yelled to her that it was time to go, and so she jumped down. Twice she almost broke her ankle, but ended up just fine. 

 

But, this time was different, as the sunset was blocked out by a set of gigantic amber-gold wings which were attached to one Archangel Michael. His hair was not tied together in any sort of fashion, blowing freely in the wind for possibly the first time ever. It was like a wildfire dancing in the breeze. The last drops of sunlight kissed his outer-most feathers which glistened like polished gold. Had Anathema not known better she’d say she met God. But no, it wasn’t God. It was Michael. The Michael she was so desperate to despise. She only knew how to hold grudges, never let them go.

 

“What do you want, Michael?” She asked, trying to push forward her anger from the back of her throat. “I’m busy.”

 

“I need only a minute of your time.” Michael said, landing on the edge of the bus. “Please..”

 

Anathema gulped. She felt like she was going to regret this, but she put away her phone and stood up, trying to look ready to physically square up to the taller Archangel. 

 

“I’m waiting.” She said, her eyes trying to read Michael’s face. There was either nothing there or everything there, Anathema couldn’t even tell anymore. She then tried to read his aura. The softest pink she had ever seen.

 

“Anathema, dance with me.” Michael put out his hand. “Please. After this, if you’re still upset with me, I’ll never speak to you again if that’s what you want.” Anathema’s chest tightened. At this point, he was desperate. She could tell. But a part of her couldn’t help but want to indulge him. 

 

“...Fine, but i’m picking the music.” A short shuffle on Anathema’s phone landed on  _ ‘Sway’  _ by Michael Bublé. She set it down on the top of the bus on full speaker.

 

She felt her hand squeeze tight and retract a few times before taking Michael’s. The other one gently rested on his forearm while his free hand hooked around her waist. It still felt as nice as the first time. As the songs lyrics started, the two of them took their first step.

 

_ “When marimba rhythms start to play, dance with me, make me sway~” _

 

Michael took a step back, Anathema stepped forward. Hips would roll in sync. One, two, step. One, two step. One, two, twirl. Anathema was dropped into a dip, Michael held her tight. When she came back up her sight was assaulted by those  _ damn  _ blue eyes again. It was like he held the entire ocean in his head. The gold flecks in them bounced with each step he took.

 

_ “When we dance you have a way with me, stay with me, sway with me~” _

 

“Anathema, I’m truly sorry about everything.” Michael broke his silence as they twirled apart, only to twirl back together a second later. “I never wanted to hurt you. I was just afraid..”

 

“You could’ve told me what was going on.” Anathema said, her arm slowly trailing up to his neck. “Instead of just not responding for days. I was worried you didn’t like me.”

 

“I could never  _ not  _ like you.” He said as they inched closer to the end of the bus. “If I could take it back, running off to Heaven without another word, I would. I’d have called you first.”

 

“I’d have appreciated that.” Anathema sighed gently and tilted her head. “I’ve never had my heart broken before, Michael. It fucking sucked.”

 

“I can only imagine.. I’m so sorry..” Michael said, his head leaning down to meet Anathema’s. “I want to try again, if you’d want.”

 

“..You’re an angel, I’m a human. Would we even work in the long run?” Anathema asked. “Seriously.”

 

“I think we would. The Almighty- We could make it work, together.” Anathema’s fingers slowly tangled in Michael’s hair. 

 

“I want to make  _ my own  _ fate, not be told it.” She muttered. “But even so, being here with you.. it feels right.”

 

“It does..” Michael smiled. 

 

The two of them slowly stepped off the bus’ top, only to be suspended in the air thanks to Michael’s wings. He let them flutter and flap, slowly taking them higher into the sky. The moon was riding alongside them.

 

“I love everything about you, Anathema.” The red-headed angel said, leaning in to kiss her collarbone. “I love the way you smile,” He said in between peppered kisses. “the way you laugh, the way you just could  _ not  _ give a fuck about who it is you’re talking to, you’ll still walk with your head high.” Anathema laughed a bit, half from how he phrased it, half from how Michael’s lips tickled. “I adore you, Anathema Device. You are the brightest shooting star I have ever seen and I might as well be the bus trying to chase after you because you’ve knocked me clean into another galaxy.” His kisses went up to her jawline as his hand moved to submerge itself in the mess of lavender that was Anathema’s hair.

 

“You hardly know me.” Anathema said in a way that while true, she didn’t mind a sappy fairy-tale confession.

 

“I want to know everything about you and every part of you, if you’d let me.” 

 

“You fascinate me.” She laughed. “You’re an angel, a being of all purity and love and here you are, asking to bed me as we dance alongside the moon.” Anathema pulled Michael closer, loving the feeling of his lips on her neck. “Not that- ah~! that’s a no.” 

 

“You love me too, don’t you?” Michael asked playfully. Finally his nerves seemed to melt away when he had her again.

 

“You’re hot, you’re a fantastic dancer, plus the way you carry yourself is so sexy, you have no idea.” Anathema asked. “And, I’d like to get to know you better. Know the real Michael.”

 

“The real Michael is a lovestruck fool.” Michael chuckled, his eyes meeting those hazel ones he liked so much. “But he’s also willing to jump into this, with you, and make his own fate. No more running. You’re my destiny, Ana.”

 

Michael kissed further up, onto her cheek, then onto her lips. It was like fireworks colliding together and exploding at once in the sky. Warmth and sweetness and the vaguest taste of cherry from Anathema’s chapstick was hitting Michael’s senses like, well, a shooting star. They let their hands explore each other. Anathema was even able to get ahold of a fistful of feathers from Michael’s wings. The moon’s bright light shone on the two lovers as though they were under a spotlight. They twirled in their embrace before landing on the bus again.

 

“I love you too.” Anathema muttered into Michael’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a few moments, engulfed in one another.

 

What they didn’t know was there was a pair of blue eyes watching them from below.

 

———

 

When you’re inside a possibly two-decade old bus made of shitty metal, it wasn’t unprecedented to think it was going to be easy to hear two sets of feet dancing on top of it. It would be pretty clear that something was there. 

 

So, when Beelzebub woke up from a short nap, the first good sleep they’d had in a week, only to hear noise coming from the roof they decided to investigate. 

 

What they saw was Anathema and Michael spinning together in the sky, proclaiming their love for each other. 

 

Beelzebub had been a demon for over 6,000 years. In those many years, life was a very straightforward experience. They did their job in Hell, where they belonged. Earth wasn’t a place for a demon of such high standing. But, when they finally did come up, they saw things they never dreamt they’d witness. One of those things was the love story of an angel and a human, who they themselves had caught some feelings for. It was like watching two planets orbiting one another. Beelzebub was the moon, the observer.

 

Anathema looked so happy, dancing with Michael, being showered in adoration and love with each kiss that the archangel planted on her. She had the biggest smile on her face when Michael ran his fingers through her short hair. Her hands were toying with Michael’s loose curls and the base of his wings. 

 

Beelzebub’s insides swirled and their mind turned as they watched the display before them. They thought they’d be upset at this, the two of them back together. But, inside, there was a different feeling. One they couldn’t quite name. It felt like a light flickering on in their core. All they could do was smile softly at the display before them before they walked back into the bus and sat beside Dagon who looked at them with a hint of surprise.

 

“Dagzz, I’m sorry.” They said. “I zzhould’ve never lied to you. I didn’t want to ruin your vacation.”

 

“No you shouldn’t of. We made a promise.” Dagon said. “I see the situation’s gravity, but still. I only forgive once, Beelz. Don’t do it again.” All Dagon wanted to say was ‘and what of  _ Anathema?’ _ in a condescending tone, but she stopped herself.

 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Beelzebub said. “Which izz prezzizzely why i’m going to do thizz.” They cupped Dagon’s face between their hands and pulled them in for a kiss. A kiss between demons was hotter than hellfire and tasted like magma being poured down your throat. Beelzebub hadn’t felt this since the last time they kissed, which was about 257 years ago during that ‘filing’ event previously stated. 

 

When the two of them broke apart, Dagon felt Beelzebub’s hands crawl into her ginger hair. Dagon was speechless, one for that kiss being  _ so good _ , and two because of how abrupt it was.

 

“But- But you-“ Dagon was able to choke out. “And her- and- what?”

 

“I juzzt zzaw the two of them danzzing in the moonlight. They looked happy. Zzeeing that made me realize I want that too, Dagon. But with you.” Beelzebub pulled her over and she practically sat their lap at that point. “Can you give thizz foolizzh demon the chanzze to be happy with you?” The skies parted for Dagon, who grabbed Beelzebub by the collar.

 

“Shut up and kiss me again.” She said, pulling them into another kiss. They sat there making out while Dagon was doing somersaults in her mind. Pulling away felt like they were splitting two halves of one whole.

 

“I love you.” Beelzebub said in a way that  _ could  _ be described as dreamily, if you wanted your head bitten off. 

 

“I love you too.” Dagon smiled gently as she kissed and nipped Beelzebub on their ear, making them cover their mouth from letting out a yelp.

 

“Ok, it’s time to go everyone. Gas’ pumped, romances reconciled, and Gabriel just hit the woah. I need several naps but not until we save our godson. Now let’s  _ go _ !” Crowley yelled as everyone started to load up onto the bus. The surprise of which made Dagon and Beelzebub pull apart. When all this was over they were going to do such hellish things to each other. But not now. They were demons but they were decent people.

 

Anathema and Michael passed their seat on the way in and when they did, Anathema and Beelzebub nodded to each other, in a brilliant moment of silent understanding that there was no hard feelings. 

 

“You think you can handle Satan?” Michael asked as the two sat down.

 

“I know I can. I got you with me.” Anathema said, laying her head against Michael’s thick curls.

 

“I’ll be beside you the entire time, darling.” He said.

 

“Darling? Could get used to that.” Anathema chuckled.

 

The bus made its way into Long Beach. Newt’s phone read they were about five minutes away from where Adam was. This was it. Armageddon 2: Electric Boogaloo. Anathema was ready with chalk in pocket and hand in Michael’s. 

 

She could handle anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE GOT ONE MORE CHAPTER YALL. IM KINDA EXCITED FOR MY OWN STORY?? WHAT THE FUCK.


	18. Purgatory and Party Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything comes together at one little diner.

Lucifer Morningstar had seen angels fall, cities burn, entire heavenly hosts be destroyed all because of him. He chose the path he walked a long time ago. He never would regret it, that’s for certain, but to him the evils of the world didn’t faze him. He was the King of Hell. Evil was his one and only business. He had seen it all, and most of the time, created it all.

 

What he never expected was a small section of his demons running into his favorite diner, in shambles, angels and humans in tow, all wielding knick knacks like actual weaponry, looking ready to _start a fight._ Or rather, trying to look like they were ready to start a fight. Also, they were all toppled on top of one another.

 

Allow me to rewind a small bit.

 

The Star Chaser pulled up outside The Purgatory Diner and screeched to a stop at the door. This was for two reasons, one was because this is where the phone said Adam was, and the second was because Crowley spotted his Bentley parked by the sidewalk. 

 

He slammed the doors of the bus open and ran over to his car to inspect for any scratches, dents, or, God forbid, permanent damage. Thankfully, nothing was there. It was in the same perfect shape as it had been before.

 

“Oh thank fuck, it’s ok.” Crowley let out a relieved sigh. “I am never letting this car out of my sight again.” Everyone slowly dispersed from the bus and went over to Crowley.

 

“So this is the Bad Place.” Anathema muttered.

 

“No, actually. That’s located halfway between Hell and Earth.” Crowley said.

 

Popping open the trunk also revealed that everything that Aziraphale had purchased on the trip, books and pins and mugs and hats with funny sayings on them, were all in perfectly good condition. 

 

“Alright. So behind those doors is _Satan_. What’s the plan?” Gabriel asked looking over to Anathema, who was drawing a chalk sigil on the ground.

 

“I’m going to run in there, fireballs ready. You guys need to be ready to back me up incase I can’t land a hit.” Anathema said as her chalk turned to fire. 

 

“Back you up with _what_?” Gabriel asked.

 

“Uncle Aziraphale, didn’t you buy an umbrella that was supposedly signed by Rihanna while we were in Austin?” She turned to look at Aziraphale, who looked as though a lightbulb went off in his head. “Why don’t we use that and some of the other stuff as makeshift weapons?”

 

“Brilliant idea, my dear! Oh, I do wish there could’ve been another way..” He said as he pulled out exactly the right number of knick knacks for everyone who didn’t have magic at the moment. Save for the children who were going to be behind them at all costs. “But, if we must.”

 

“Trinkets. Against _Satan_.” Gabriel blinked. “I should just write a will now, shouldn’t I?”

 

“Maybe.” Anathema said, shoving a few state-themed snowglobes at him. “And one for you, Gorgeous.” She teased as she handed a Georgia-themed switchblade to Michael. “When we get this over with you are letting me braid that hair, right?”

 

“Only if we survive.” Michael chuckled. In reality he was a little terrified. Actually, more than a little. He was really terrified. He _just_ got his first girlfriend and his shitty brother was here to ruin it! They might even die in the process!

 

“Oh, we will. I got this.” Anathema said with the same kinda gusto she always had.

 

“You really know how to pick ‘em, Mike.” Uriel whispered to Michael. Michael let out a soft sigh as he watched his girlfriend, oh how nice that felt to say, pass around Aziraphale’s collection.

 

“Yeah, I do..” He smiled a bit. Uriel rolled their eyes and punched his arm lightly to which he didn’t even notice.

 

“So wait, who’s Rihanna?” Dagon asked as Anathema handed her the supposedly autographed umbrella. 

 

“Human singer, sang a song about an umbrella. I’ll also show you what Spotify is later.” Anathema said. Dagon nodded slowly. She was going to have to get used to Beelzebub’s new human friend now that she was sure they and her had nothing going on between them.

 

“Ok, so are you going to hit him with a fireball and then we start swinging?” Uriel asked.

 

“We gotta make sure Adam is safe first. So fireball’s on the stand by. Then you guys start.” Anathema said as she lit more pieces of chalk on fire. 

 

“I’ll stick to my spritz bottle.” Crowley said as he pulled a plastic water bottle shaped like a skull he bought at a novelty shop out of the trunk.

 

“But Dear, we don’t have any holy water on us.” Aziraphale said.

 

“Satan doesn’t need to know that.” Crowley said as he unscrewed the top and filled it with a regular bottle of water. “Remind me to recycle this. Not letting that Pollution bastard get any stronger just in case they’re in there.” 

 

“Fuck, I didn’t even account for them.” Anathema whispered to herself. She turned back to the others. “Ok, the Horsepeople don’t matter. Their bikes aren’t here, let’s assume the best that it’s _just_ Satan.”

 

“That’s not a great best case scenario but ok.” Crowley nodded slowly, the weight of the situation waiting for them on the other side of a diner entrance.

 

“Ok, listen up!” Anathema said and clapped her hands to get their attention like an elementary school teacher. “This may be a close fight. Not all of us may survive. Looking at you, Hastur.” A rather miffed ‘Hey!’ came from the small crowd before her. “But we can do this! This has literally never happened before and, hopefully, will never happen again! So let’s go in there and save the Earth! Again!”

 

At once, in a moment of rallying together, they all charged for the doors. This was it!

 

They realized too late that it was a single door that would not fit more than two people going through it at once and got stuck. The only ones not stuck were Pepper, Brian, and Wensleydale who had stayed the farthest to the back, locked and loaded with T-shirt cannons. 

 

“This may have been a really bad decision.” Crowley muttered as he was stuck between Aziraphale and Uriel, above Hastur and Sandalphon but below Ligur and Beelzebub. 

 

Everyone tried to shimmy their way free, only causing them to bump among everyone else more, getting more stuck.

 

“Pardon me, y’all.” El said as she walked out from the kitchen with a fresh pot of coffee and an apple juice, covering her mouth as to not laugh at the sight before her. “But you seem to be in a bit of a pickle.”

 

“Yeah, uh, sorry about your door, Ma’am.” Crowley said. “You seen a boy, curly brown hair, ‘bout 11, walk in?”

 

“Oh, you’re lookin’ for Adam!” She said. “He’s just the sweetest plum on the tree, that boy. Yes, he’s here.” She put down the pot and the glass and walked over to get a closer look at the situation. “Now let’s see here..” She took hold of Michael’s hands and pulled. 

 

With ease, Michael came free and like a jenga tower, everyone followed suit, toppling onto him. El stepped back with enough time to avoid getting caught.

 

“Thank you..” Michael groaned. 

 

Everyone scrambled to their feet. El shook her head lightly, letting a chuckle pass.

 

“I’ll take you over, he’s with Luci right now.” She picked back up the drinks and walked toward the booths like nothing. The others just gave each other a strange look before following. 

 

“Well, that was a show in it of itself.” Lucifer chuckled, watching the looks of surprise overtake the faces of the new patrons.

 

“L-Lord Satan.” Beelzebub gulped, not even daring to let their buzz affect their boss’ title. They, as well as the other demons minus Crowley, bowed their heads to their lord.

 

“Hi guys.” Adam said when he turned to face the others. The largest wave of relief hit his family as Crowley, Aziraphale, Newt, Anathema, and the last three members of the Them ran over to Adam. Crowley scooped the kid up in a hug.

 

“You little rat, don’t you _ever_ pull something like that again! Do you hear me?” Crowley kissed the kid’s cheek and hair.

 

“We were worried sick, Adam!” Aziraphale said, clinging to Adam’s arm in a grip similar to that of a new mother holding her baby.

 

“I’m fine, really!” Adam said. “I’ve just been here, eating lunch. And dinner. And dessert. El makes amazing lemon pies.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Anathema shook her head. Her  glasses slipped down her face a bit as she did. “You _haven’t_ been here, fighting Satan, in an ultimate battle of son versus father for the fate of the world?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“You’ve been eating?” Newt asked.

 

“Yep.”

 

“Adam Young, I don't know how you do it, but you somehow make everything turn on it’s head just be being you. And we love you for it, but _wow_.” Crowley said, letting the boy back down.

 

“Sorry about the ruckus in Vegas. I just needed my son’s attention. Frankly, I didn’t expect a whole army ready to fight against me with souvenirs to follow him.” He bobbed his head to the side to strike a little bit of fear into Beelzebub and crew’s souls. If they even had any. “Especially one consisting of my own court.”

 

“W-We can explain, Your Lordship!” Dagon spoke up. Lucifer’s stare bore right through her and sent a terrifying shiver down her spine. “W-We never meant to- Y-You see-“ 

 

“T-The gatezz of Hell! They c-clozzed on uzz! We had no choizze but to f-find you!” Beelzebub put a hand in front of Dagon.

 

“Ah, yes, the gates. I closed them on my way out.” Lucifer said. “Thought I could give a certain group of _vacationers_ a fright for not putting in the proper request form.” The way his words dripped from his mouth made all the demons still loyal to him wish for death, as they feared their punishments for going on an unreported vacation could be worse.

 

“We’re so sorry, Lord Satan! Please, be merciful!” The lot all pleaded, practically falling to their knees. 

 

Lucifer was about to speak when Adam snapped his fingers to get his attention. He looked over at his son who only shook his head. Lucifer let out a sigh.

 

“Alright. This time will be a warning.” He said as he turned back to his court. “Don’t let me see you vacationing without properly putting in a notice first. We’re from Hell, not a McDonald’s. Be organized.” He then looked to the beings who were surrounding his son and holding onto him as though Satan was going to take him away. “And you.” 

 

Aziraphale and Crowley tensed up. This was no joke. This was _Satan_ . Last time they saw him he was about to _destroy them._ And now here he was, a cup of coffee and a 2/3rd eaten apple turnover in front of him and Crowley was _pretty sure_ he had a gay ear piercing. He never could remember exactly which ear was the gay ear, though.

 

“You’ve been acting as a little family for my boy, and for that I should thank you. Should is the key word here.” Lucifer said. “Crowley, you were a fantastic agent on Earth. You were _so_ close to being promoted! But you gave it up to be with an angel and practically adopt my son, his friends, a squirrel-man, and a witch.” He had pointed out every one of them on his fingers. “Why?”

 

“They’re my world. My angel and I have been through _everything_ together.” Crowley said, clutching Aziraphale’s hand. “I wouldn’t hesitate to put my life on the line for them, against anyone.”

 

“Even me?” Lucifer asked. Crowley’s throat was burning as he nodded.

 

“Yes.” He choked out. “I would.”

 

“Ballsy. I appreciate that. Don’t see a lot of demons willing to die for anything but themselves.” Lucifer plopped his head into his hand. “You best keep your word, of course. I will know if you don’t. And you, witch.” He pointed directly at Anathema. “You were ready to run in and attack Satan, King of Hell, no questions asked?”

 

“Yep.” Anathema nodded. “I’d still do it now, if I needed to.” Lucifer laughed a deep, haunting laugh before slapping the table. Every supernatural being looked at her with a bit of terror on their faces, save for Michael.

 

“I like your gumption!” He said. “You’d make a fine demon. Lots of pride, lots of hubris.”

 

“I’m just fine being ‘Anathema Device, Shooting Star and Professional Badass’.” She said, tossing the fireball up and down in her hand. Michael’s cheeks flushed slightly because of how taken Anathema was to that nickname.

 

“So our world isn’t going to be destroyed? Right? Just- Just clarifying.” Newt spoke up. 

 

“Of course not. Not yet. My son still likes it. Which, by the way Adam, do you think you’ll ever want to start Armageddon again?” Adam looked at his father like he was crazy. Surely he was, he was Satan, but that’s different. Everyone else’s eyes turned to Adam.

 

“Why would I ever want to?” Adam asked, that must be a joke.

 

“Your world is special to you now. But what of it when you grow old? You won’t die, least not for a long time. What of your friends, your other parents, even possibly your godfathers? They all can die much easier than you. And it’s inevitable for some of them. You could still be the king of the new world, whenever you please.” Lucifer said. “Isn’t that what you’d want?”

 

Adam shook his head. The thought had passed his mind once or twice before. He didn’t know what the future held for him as the Antichrist. He didn’t know a lot of things. But what he did know was Earth was his home, even if he was no king.

 

“I want to be happy, that’s all. With my friends and family ‘till the end. Even if my end is much later.” Adam said as he turned to his little family who all gave him smiles full of care. “I love them, and I'll do whatever it takes to be with them. Even if it means never being a king.” Lucifer nodded slowly, a flash of understanding in his amber eyes. He popped the last bit of turnover into his mouth.

 

“If that’s your choice, as your father I'll stand by it. I may not ever understand this place, but you’re my boy.” Lucifer said as he pushed his now-empty turnover plate aside.

 

“You promise not to destroy it then? Never?” Adam asked.

 

“Never is a permanent. I’ll say for now. I am Satan after all. But, i’ll come around to it.” Adam smiled softly. 

 

“You’re a wise sprout, Adam Young.” El said. “Wiser than many kids your age. Must be all those conspiracy theory magazines.”

 

“Thanks, El. Means a lot coming from you.” He smiled at the older woman who smiled back. He then turned back to his godfathers. “How did you guys find me by the way? I blocked all your numbers.”

 

“It was all Newt.” Pepper spoke up. “He finished that makeshift phone puzzle of his. Tracked you down.”

 

“Newt got a piece of technology working?” Adam asked, genuinely surprised. “That’s incredible.”

 

“Well, a pigeon can’t survive off pebbles, Honeybee. Sometimes they need a lil’ bit a grain.” El said, ruffling his hair. “Same with people, they need a win here and there.”

 

“What she said.” Lucifer stood up. “I should be going. Evil never sleeps.”

 

“But Evil takes vacation days, don’t it?” El asked.

 

“Occasionally.” Lucifer said. “And Hell will be having a yearly limit of two weeks paid vacation for every demon from now on.” He turned to his son and winked. “Heard from a little birdie it _could_ raise morale. And we need all the morale we can get after Armageddon’t.”

 

“Izz that what we’re calling it now?” Beelzebub whispered to Gabriel who only shrugged.

 

“You be just enough of a handful for these two, Adam. Keep ‘em on their toes.” Lucifer chuckled as he pinched his son’s cheek. “Put both meals on my tab, El, if you’d be so kind.”

 

“Lucifer.” Michael’s words got the attention of the dark haired demon. His stare at his ex-brother was hot and burning, like the fires Lucifer lived in. One of his hands was resting on Anathema’s wrist, while the other held onto the swiss knife. Lucifer was sure he was about to pick a fight.

 

“Ah, Michael. Love the new look.” Lucifer said as he motioned toward Michael’s undone hair.

 

“You.. You..” He mustered only one word.

 

“Me.. me.. what?” Lucifer asked, crossing his arms.

 

“You.. were right.” A collective gasp came from his associates. “About one thing only.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“Love.. is crazy.” Michael said, turning to Anathema. “I can see now why you were so head over heels with Lilith.”

 

“Was?” Lucifer joked. “Lilith makes me _crazy_ to this very day, dear brother. But, I'm proud of you, if that means anything. You found your queen.”

 

“I did.” Michael nodded. “And I will cherish her ‘till the day the universe implodes.”

 

“Wait what-“ The kids, who didn’t know the sun would one day explode, all said at once.

 

“Good for you, Mikey.” Lucifer chuckled and turned to look at Anathema, who had a big dopey grin on her face. “Miss Device, keep my brother from being a total spoil sport. He needs to live a little.”

 

“I will personally see to it, Luci.” Anathema said. He let out another real laugh.

 

“Again, I like this one! No fear! Don’t see that often! Good choice, Mikey.” He fixed his sunglasses before flashing a peace sign to El. “Ciao, El. Until next time.”

 

“I’ll be open, Lucifer. You know where to find me.” El said as she went to cleaning up the plates. 

 

Lucifer walking out of the diner was the most stress releasing thing that anyone there had ever experienced.

 

“Well, that’s over.” Anathema said, dropping the fireball which extinguished when it hit the floor. “Now what do we do?”

 

“Well.. We are right by the beach.” Michael said. “And, I believe I owe my siblings a trip there. We ended up missing it in Florida because of my little fit.”

 

“Little? You made lightning strike!” Uriel exclaimed. “But, the beach sounds nice.”

 

“Oh, what the heaven, All in favor of extending our temporary truce, say I?” Crowley said as everyone responded with an ‘I’. “Alright, let’s go.”

 

“Bye El!” Adam said as he waved goodbye to the waitress while they walked out.

 

“Bye Adam, have fun! Oh, and Gabe.” El called out to the purple-eyed Archangel who turned to look at her. “Do try to be easy on the martinis next vacation, won’t you, honey?” 

 

“I will, Ma’am, no wor-“ Gabriel said as he turned away, only to snap back when he realized. “Wait.” 

 

When he looked back, El was gone. He blinked twice before running after the others who were leaving him behind.

 

———

 

The beach at night was cool yet warm in a comforting way. Everyone was having their own kind of fun while mid 2000s pop music played from Anathema’s phone. She took that time to explain to Dagon what Spotify was. 

 

Crowley was teaching the children how to paddle board. Michael was getting his hair braided by an ecstatic Anathema who was having a field day with it. Dagon was swimming underwater while Beelzebub floated on the top, only to get dragged down by their lover into a seaweed-flavored kiss. Hastur was enjoying being buried in the sand by Gabriel and Ligur. Aziraphale and Uriel were having a conversation about a starfish they found by the edge of the water. Newt was taking a well-deserved nap underneath an umbrella that was signed by Rihanna. Supposedly.

 

The night concluded with a bonfire. Not hellfire, Anathema made sure of that by starting the fire herself just to keep everything calm. They roasted marshmallows that they _finally_ were able to miracle into existence. The archangels and demons never realized how much they’d miss being able to will things into reality. 

 

“This has been one fuckin’ weird vacation.” Anathema said as she snuggled up to Michael, her mouth half-full of marshmallow. 

 

“Cheers to that.” Crowley said, popping a marshmallow into his mouth.

 

“We’re going to need a vacation _from_ the vacation.” Uriel said. “It was so stressful. Well, up ‘till now. This was nice.”

 

“Maybe we should do this again sometime?” Adam said. “A yearly beach day.”

 

“As long as we can all hate each other afterwards.” Gabriel said, lifting his marshmallow in toast. Everyone followed suit. Somehow, I think, it would be hard to say they hated each other. But don’t let them hear that.

 

The fire burned and the night went on, filled with laughter and fun. Anathema made sure to text Michael good night once she and the others made it to their final hotel on their trip. She smiled when she saw a response from him saying ‘Good night <3’.

 

What a vacation.

 

—————-

 

The door at The Purgatory Diner swung open, the bell ringing.

 

“Welcome, y’all.” El said. Her silver eyes blinked when she saw who walked in. “Haven’t seen y’all in a bit.”

 

“WE’VE BEEN ON A LITTLE.. VACATION.” A dark, husky voice spoke. “THOUGHT WE’D STOP BY FOR A DRINK.”

 

“Four cups of coffee?” She asked.

 

“AS ALWAYS, ELOHIM.”

 

“Comin right up, Take a seat, Grim. You, Carmine, Raven, and Chalky can tell me all about it in a minute. You’ll never guess who was here today.”

 

————-

 

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s a wrap, folks. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this clusterfuck of a story. If you’re a little unclear about El or anything else left on the table please feel free to ask any questions. I have another couple fic ideas in the works right now and i might take a short break I might not We’ll see. I start my second year of college in a few weeks so let’s see how much I can pump out by then. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful existence.


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